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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH looks for excuses for fights

28 replies

excuseforfights · 28/03/2020 16:17

Hi, just trying to understand how bad this is. DH looks excuses for fights. For example, he cooked himself eggs yesterday and left dirty pan and dishes on kitchen counter.

I asked him to wash his dishes, because otherwise he leaves them to pile up and for me to wash. We don’t have a dishwasher.

He did wash the dishes last night (leaving puddles on counter and food in plug hole) but went to sleep in spare bedroom. I went to study with plate of food to do work (WFH during CV). He shouted to me that it’s unacceptable that I bring food upstairs and that I need to eat at kitchen dining table.

I asked why he was being a hypocrite given he had toast and biscuits in bed that very afternoon. He said that we both need to stop it, as he doesn’t want to live like a pig. This is whilst there’s Belvita biscuit wrappers strewn across spare room floor and his clothes in our bedroom spilling out of his side of wardrobe. I wash my dishes as soon as I’ve used them, unless I’m upstairs, in which case I’ll take them down the next morning to wash them. I wouldn’t mind if washed his dishes the next day but he doesn’t unless I remind him. I used to wash his and mine dishes in the sink, but he never reciprocated so I ask him to wash his own now.

Sorry to ramble, the point is, he does this a lot. When I ask him to do something, he does it but immediately looks for an excuse for a fight. Last week I asked to take rubbish downstairs and he did but came up and said I wasn’t allowed to pull the hallway blind down anymore at night.

Is this abusive or bickering?

OP posts:
letsjog · 28/03/2020 16:23

I think he's acting like a man child.

How dare you point out his mess / ask him to do something he doesn't want to?
He now must throw something back at you because he's having a tantrum because HOW DARE YOU.

Catloveisreal · 28/03/2020 16:25

I wasted my life on a man like this

Summerhillsquare · 28/03/2020 16:27

Of course he's unreasonable. The passive agressiveness of it would finish me.

Elieza · 28/03/2020 16:37

Is he sixteen? Sounds like he is. He needs to man up.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/03/2020 16:44

He sounds insane.

Original poster
excuseforfights · 28/03/2020 16:47

Thanks everyone. I haven’t even mentioned the worst stuff (silent treatment between 2 days-6 weeks) because I just wanted to know whether looking for excuses to fight was bad in and of itself Sad

He is definitely a man child. Just trying to see if he is abusive.

He also is obsessive with timings. For example if we are going out, to the high street for example, he sets a departure time and if we don’t leave on the dot on the time (even if I’m 1 min late) he just abandons plans and sulks. However, if he’s late, that’s fine (only because I’m not bothered about leaving a few minutes later for the high street). We went to Relate and the counsellor said that I should just try and be not even 1 minute late. I tried this but he still insists I’m late. We have never missed a flight or been late to a show or anything so I think this stems from a need to control me.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 28/03/2020 16:53

Whoah, I would ditch the Relate counsellor right now. Couples counselling is absolutely not recommended in abusive relationships. You were being told to give in and simply obey and humour your abuser. But as you already know, that doesn’t work - he just finds other things to control or fight over. I would see a counsellor by yourself, to discuss all this and plan an exit strategy.

IVflytrap · 28/03/2020 17:03

We went to Relate and the counsellor said that I should just try and be not even 1 minute late.

What the actual fuck.

Yes, OP, sadly his behaviour constitutes emotional abuse.

DrManhattan · 28/03/2020 17:05

That's not right or normal. He needs to sort his own issues out and stop picking arguments with you. I would think about leaving him.

SandyY2K · 28/03/2020 17:10

Does he have any good qualities? It sounds like a stressful relationship to be in.

Cherrysoup · 28/03/2020 17:14

6 weeks of silence? Not allowed to pull down the hallway blind? Why? Who put him in charge? So he can tell you to do stuff but you can’t tell him? Wtf? Why are you with this arsehole?

Soubriquet · 28/03/2020 17:17

This is an actual DO AS I SAY!!! But not as I do.

I wouldn’t want to waste my life on a man like this

Ponoka7 · 28/03/2020 17:22

Everything he is doing is emotional abuse. The silent treatment will wear down your self worth. You'll eventually stop trying to tell him what to do and will be chief cook and bottle washer.

Start thinking about leaving.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/03/2020 17:22

My x husband used to be like that. Actually he still is like that, just not to me. He's training you up to get used to becoming accustomed to obeying him. And you'll never be successfully obedient because he will keep changing the rules.
Omg I am so, so happy that those days for me are done. It took me ages to see it. The hardest part was, perhaps even still is, to realise that he was doing it on purpose and that he got a total rise out of it. Read 'living with the dominator by Pat, I think Craven. And work out how you are going to escape.

Original poster
excuseforfights · 28/03/2020 18:10

Thanks again. Yes, we stopped going to Relate. I think the counsellor began to see through his reasonable facade after a couple of months and he then said that he didn’t want to go back because she was only focusing on him.

His good points. I’m struggling to think of much. We do get on time from time to time. He will go out and get us food and drink if I ask. He would take my elderly mum out every other weekend with me. He gets defensive of me if he perceives his mum or siblings to be rude to me (again, he takes offence to things that I don’t think are offensive). He gives me a lot of affection, but again on his own terms. If I try and hug him in bed, he will push me away and tell me to go away. If I ever push him away, he will sulk.

On one level I know I need to leave him. On another level, I am so scared to live alone. I sleep with the light on when he’s away and fall asleep around 2am. I’m not close to my family (just my mum). I have some good friends but I’m still scared of living alone.

I can’t imagine finding men attractive or wanting to be in another relationship (or someone finding me attractive). I think I’ve unconsciously decided that all men have the capacity to become like him.

With the silent treatment, he agreed in the Relate counselling that he would stop, but he started again a couple of months later. He insists that it’s not abusive because he just doesn’t want to talk. When he gives me silent treatment, I don’t engage with him at all. I don’t try and jolly him out of it so we can go weeks without a word said.

Thanks, will read Living the Dominator.

Not allowed to pull down the hallway blind? Why? Who put him in charge? So he can tell you to do stuff but you can’t tell him? Wtf? Why are you with this arsehole?

If I tell him that we’re going to clean the house together, he will get up and clean with him. But everything has to be driven by me. He would never start cleaning of his own accord.

OP posts:
1FootInTheRave · 28/03/2020 18:28

Get rid.

IdblowJonSnow · 28/03/2020 18:43

Out of interest op, why are you scared of living on your own? Genuinely interested.
He sounds awful, you would be well rid.

SmallChickBilly · 28/03/2020 21:55

If you lived on your own, you could do whatever the fuck you wanted with the blinds, live in a pleasant environment where you clear up after yourself and it stays like that because you wouldn't have someone leaving their crap for you to deal with, you would be able to go into town whenever you were ready!

Honestly, it sounds so stressful and miserable and lonely living with your husband, I literally cannot imagine how living without him could be worse.

MonkeyDishwasher · 29/03/2020 03:05

@excuseforfights I definitely don't think it constitutes abuse, certainly not from what you described. I'm actually not sure why everything is abuse all of a sudden?! Anyway, off track, he's being an asshole, plain and simple. I'd have a word with him if I were you, tell him that you're annoyed with the way he treats you and that he needs to make more effort.

MonkeyDishwasher · 29/03/2020 03:08

Scratch that, I totally missed your further posts @excuseforfights. Sorry for that, I must be tired!

It might be abuse? If you feel that it is, and aren't just wondering generally, then you might be right. He certainly sounds unpleasant, so you might want to consider your options. Good luck.

LorenzoStDubois · 29/03/2020 03:12

Divorce.
The only solution.

What a colossal prick he is.

MashedSpud · 29/03/2020 03:34

When you feel your life would be so much easier/less stressy/more peaceful without the person in question, it’s time to get rid.

footprintsintheslow · 29/03/2020 04:27

I used to be scared living on my own so I understand but it gets easier.

Also have a google of men giving women the silent treatment. It's an eye opener and more common than you think.

REignbow · 29/03/2020 04:55

He is abusive.

Call WA, rights of women.

Get your ducks in a row and leave.

Being alone and not walking on eggshells is better than living with him.

Get this thread moved to relationships, as I’m sure there is a hell of lot more he does that you haven’t posted about.

Wincarnis · 29/03/2020 05:34

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Really?

it’s not going to get better!
Don’t be scared of living alone, it’s great!