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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop supporting a vulnerable person

35 replies

squarecloud · 28/03/2020 13:05

Hello, I’m a long time lurker but first time poster. I would appreciate your opinion so I can process my feelings.

My dad is being shielded, he received a text from NHS saying he is to isolate for 12 weeks. His work said he can WFH. He’s an office worker and can perform all his duties from home. He lives alone.

Yesterday evening I used my 1 exercise per day to walk to his house and drop a bag of bits he needed on his doorstep. We chatted through his window and he started complaining. His office has now closed and all staff are WFH, except the maintenance department who are doing a rota system and 1 person is going in each day, the rest of the maintenance department are at home on full pay until it’s their turn on the rota. My dad thinks this is unfair and thinks he should only be working 1 day a week if the maintenance people are only working 1 day a week.

This comment really annoyed me. My DH (his SIL!!) is a paramedic and is working on the frontline, why does dad think he deserves to be given time off to relax at home while DH goes on the frontline? I know 2 people who have been made redundant (dad knows about these as I told him earlier in the week), they would love to be able to WFH on full pay. I told him he needs to get some perceptive and that he's lucky to be shielded and have a job.

He started ranting at me about how he’s entitled to his opinion and he doesn't need to justify himself. He said I’m being disrespectful and that the younger generation like me are all as bad as each other. He then walked away from the window.

For context, my dad often has views on things that I disagree with, but I just bite my tongue. I couldn't bite my tongue this time though. The fact that he doubled down on his opinion when I called him out makes it worse for me.

I don’t want to support my dad while he’s shielded anymore. Next week I am due to pick up a prescription for him which will no doubt be a slow and horrid experience. I don’t want to use my only outing a day walking along streets to his house and back to give him 5 minutes of window company when I could go for a country walk in the fields where I live.

AIBU to limit the support I give him? ... or does this make me a bad person?

OP posts:
HappyHammy · 28/03/2020 13:14

The maintenance workers may well be essential to the business to keep it going but his job isn't. Surely he is benefitting more by being off every day on full pay? The maintenance staff are the ones at risk not him. It's difficult. Its tempting to tell him to bugger off and stop helping him but that puts extra pressure on volunteers to do it.

Alb1 · 28/03/2020 13:18

He may sound like an idiot but you would be just as bad by not supporting him, and very petty. This situation is bringing out the best and worst in a lot of people, it may be bringing out the worst in him but that doesn’t mean you have to let it do it to you too.

HeyDuggeewatchadoin · 28/03/2020 13:20

Just drop his stuff on the doorstep and go.
If you can drop his stuff directly from the supermarket/pharmacy then it's done and dusted.

FourTeaFallOut · 28/03/2020 13:24

He's your Dad. You'd stop bring him food because he was a bit of an arsehole?

NailsNeedDoing · 28/03/2020 13:25

Does he have other people that could support him?

I wouldn’t stop helping him out, times like this are tough on people and they may not be showing the best of themselves. He’s probably just frustrated and lost perspective being stuck inside having to rely on others for basics. While I agree with your opinion and not his, what he was saying is completely irrelevant to whether or not your DH has to work.

recededpronunciation · 28/03/2020 13:26

This is one of those occasions when you just have to be the bigger person. Also, you can make a trip to help a vulnerable person and still have your daily exercise as well.

fedup21 · 28/03/2020 13:27

I would have no contact for a few days and see if he got in contact with me. Maybe some time alone will make him appreciate you a bit.

LouisaJenny · 28/03/2020 13:28

I wouldnt stop helping. My parents have some bizarre opinions but I do everything I can to help them.

Also, you don’t HAVE to use your one exercise a day to do this ... you can be out and about if you are helping someone.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2020 13:29

Take him his stuff and just dump it without a word

If you can prevent him having to use services that are already overstretched that is great but you don't have to be nice to him

Does his pharmacy not do deliveries ?

Original poster
squarecloud · 28/03/2020 13:30

Thank you for replying. I think you're right.

@Alb1 thank you for putting it like that. That makes a lot of sense, I have let it get to me which is my problem, not his.

Just saying it out loud and getting it off my chest has helped.

OP posts:
stairway · 28/03/2020 13:30

He’s your dad get over it. Presumably he didn’t abandon you when you were a tantruming toddler.

BendyLikeBeckham · 28/03/2020 13:31

you helping him out is separate to your once a day exercise. You are allowed to collect food or medicine or care for a vulnerable person as a separate activity to exercise.

So do both. Help your dad, AND go for a separate walk to exercise. And don't chat to him if he wins you up

But yes YABU for abandoning him because he irks you.

BilboBercow · 28/03/2020 13:31

So you'd stop helping your vulnerable dad who could die if he goes out because of a petty moan over work?

BendyLikeBeckham · 28/03/2020 13:32

*winds you up

Original poster
squarecloud · 28/03/2020 13:33

Thank you everyone for your replies, it's really helped me put it in perspective.

OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 28/03/2020 13:33

Drop stuff and go as pp have said, don't talk to him if he's whinging.

As a shielded person can't his prescription be delivered? It would have to be if he had no one to collect it. What if you had to self isolate?

olivesnutsandcheese · 28/03/2020 13:36

You don't need to use your exercise to drop stuff off at your Dad's. You can also leave the house to support someone so please drop the drama of using your only reason to leave the house. It's simply not true

Eskarina1 · 28/03/2020 13:37

We're all grieving a lot of things at the moment. Generally when we're grieving we behave a bit irrationally and are grumpy about things we'd normally be ok with and people cut us slack because of what's happened. Now we're all in this boat, people are going to fall out over stupid things.

You're obviously worried about your DH and coping with a loss of freedom. Your dad has had the huge shock of becoming a vulnerable person and being dependant. He's behaving badly and you're less tolerant.

But refusing to support him now is a huge step which your relationship may never recover from. In his eyes, you'll have abandoned him at his most vulnerable because he had a rant. Do you really want to do that.

Also, I think supporting a vulnerable person is a reason to go out seperate from exercise so potentially you could do both?

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 28/03/2020 13:39

Just drop and go. Don't engage with him.

playthestation · 28/03/2020 13:41

He was comparing his job to the maintenance dept at his work though, not to your DH who is a paramedic. I don't think he did anything wrong. I think it was wrong of you to tell your dad, who is being shelved and you describe as vulnerable, to get some perspective. And add to that you are asking if you should stop supporting him!

playthestation · 28/03/2020 13:41

Shielded now shelved Blush

playthestation · 28/03/2020 13:42

*not

DamnYouAutoCarrot · 28/03/2020 13:42

Wow.. How could you even think of stopping the support to a vulnerable parent who is shielding?! I'd move heaven and earth to get anything to my mum who is shielding and believe me, she's incredibly difficult. I still wouldn't see her without meds or food though...ridiculous behaviour.

PepePig · 28/03/2020 13:43

Give him one last chance and if he continues being a self absorbed arse, then I'd leave him to it, tbh.

People need to learn that being rude doesn't equate to getting treated as normal and it going unchecked. You do not get to treat people poorly and still get them to wait on you.

Alternatively, you can still collect things for him but dump them on the doorstep and he can rant away without draining you with it.

MatildaTheCat · 28/03/2020 13:44

He should call the pharmacy and ask them to deliver his prescription there’s no need for you to do that.