To ask you to please help..bereavement nightmare..terrified,

[peterrabbitspossum]

I just had the most horrendous nightmare and I can't handle it,
In the dream (bolded to make sure people realise I haven't really done this!) we had travelled to my old childhood village and were in a restaurant about to have a celebration of my lovely dads life, he died six weeks ago. My old vicar was there and she gave me a hug, I'm an atheist so surprised she was in my dream, I wish I was still in touch with her but i have cut myself off from everybody since he died and unfriended everybody I had on social media including her so I have no support any more.

Back to the dream, All these lovely people from his life were there. The celebration ended and I was walking round the village when I saw my dad and he came to talk to me but all of a sudden he was a dead body walking and wouldn't leave me alone and was chasing me and I was trying to push him down into his grave and couldn't so I had to run away but the streets were deserted and nobody was there to help me and he just kept chasing me.
I ran to my old childhood home and managed to get in and he was gone then, he hadn't kept up with me. I'm terrified to go back to sleep now. I'm here alone with my DCs.

With everything that is going on I am not surprised people are having vivid and scary dreams

Why don’t you get up and make yourself a hot milk and have a biscuit. Put the TV on for a bit. Snuggle down in the sofa with a blanket. When I was little my mum used to say you never have the same dream twice. Actually I think that is mostly true. to you xx

My mother passed in August and initially I was okay, but after around 8-10 later, I begun having dreams about her that were so real. Some were nice and some were horrible. I saw her body in the chapel of rest and one of my dreams was so real, I was in there viewing her body and she grabbed me, sat up and was kind of growing at me looking demonic. I have, thankfully, had some nicer dreams since.

Huge hug to you and I hope you feel better about your dream soon. You've got a lot going on so it's no wonder you are having wild dreams to process it all. Just take good care of yourself.

Grief and loss don’t stop when we are sleeping so your dream is your mind working overtime trying to process the pain. I have been there.

Perhaps get up and make a cup of something warm and sit for a bit until you are relaxed enough to sleep again. I can chat with you as sitting up watching my drunk teenage sleeping....

Why have you cut yourself off from everyone?

Why did I cut myself off from everyone, good question, in a moment of intense grief when it was all very raw I wanted to shut myself away from the world and it's too late to undo it now. It's a big regret.

It probably isn’t too late, certainly not for the vicar. I am sure she will understand.

Have you been able to talk to anyone? When my mum died I did have some sessions with a Cruse counsellor. Would you find that useful? She also gave me tips on coping with the pain and explained the grief process.

No I haven't spoken to anybody. Normally I don't, I'm more of a keep myself to myself person and don't share feelings, it took a lot to just post on here but I was desperate.

What you're going through, how you're dealing with it is all perfectly normal and totally understandable, we all deal with death and loss in our own way.

Your dream however, is a guilt dream. Not that you honestly have anything to feel guilty about, but it's there in your subconscious.
I'm guessing that you've in some way pushed the feelings of grief aside for the moment. Because they're too raw, too intense to deal with right now. It's only been six weeks. It's too much.
Subconsciously, you see the other people in your dream as dealing 'better' with your fathers death. Celebrating his life, honouring him. You feel guilt because you feel you're not mourning him 'properly'
His corpse chasing you is your. own subconscious mind trying to force you to confront your grief.
You've done nothing wrong and everything will work its way out in its own time.
Be gentle on yourself. Your dad knows how much you love him.

It's not too late to make contact with everyone again, people will understand that it was the grief. Maybe this dream is showing you that you need the support and contact with these people especially if they knew your Dad. There is a great comfort to be had talking to people who were in your Dad's life, these are the people you can talk to about your Dad as they knew him. I would make some hot chocolate, perhaps listen to the radio for a bit until you feel calmer and then try to sleep.

I'm very sorry for your loss

I'm sorry - how frightening. I don't think you'll have that dream again if it's any consolation. Go back to bed and try to sleep. Tomorrow, reach out to everyone you've cut yourself off from. Tell them you are sorry, but you were beside yourself with grief. Two things - one is that people cut you quite a lot of slack when you've lost someone. Second - at the moment people seem to be realising petty disagreements are just that, and are building bridges again with estranged friends and family. What's the worse that can Happen? They ignore you. OK, you won't be any worse off, but I bet they won't ignore you. Good luck and be kind to yourself. X

I found that talking was the only way to deal with the pain and shock of losing my mum. I don’t think I would have coped otherwise.

I have now realised that DS would have benefited from some type of therapy instead of me assuming he was doing ok..q

Thank you. They don't know that he's died as I didn't put anything on social media and I don't think I could bear the sympathy messages or them thinking baldly of me. I don't know. Maybe it'll be clearer in the light of day but it feels like I'll be using them if I try to get back in touch.

At times like this OP there is so much frightening change and confusion, it is natural for the feeling of being overwhelmed to spill into your dreams (which I believe are simply a natural escape valve, and the actual dream itself is meaningless, it is just there as a vehicle to remove the unhelpful emotions that are swirling round unresolved).

Think of it like this, your dream isn't reality, no matter how disturbing, it didn't really happen (so, big sigh of relief).

As regards creating distance from those people, that was a valid decision to make, so congratulate yourself for doing what you needed at that time. It doesn't make you a bad person at all, you haven't deliberately gone out of your way to hurt anyone. So be kind and forgive yourself if you feel you must.

Can you have a nightly practice of reading something soothing and happy before sleep? That very often is all that's needed to reset the brain to a good positive place, during the current overwhelming circumstances.

I'm not mourning him properly no, I couldn't go to his funeral and we've had to cancel his memorial service and scattering his ashes. Now I have well and truly outed myself on here.

I think you would benefit from some grief counselling.

I am sorry for your loss, and also that you haven't been able to say goodbye properly.

Dear peterrabbit(virtual hug),

Dreams reflect what's going on in our minds and can be interpreted in so many ways; you've felt bad about this and your dream shows that turmoil but, think of it , your dad following you could equally mean wanting to give you a hug and say, "Don't worry girl, I love you and I'm fine".

He is at peace now, peter rabbit, not in your old home, he has gone. He's absolutely free of pain.

Please, please stop beating yourself up, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. When someone very close dies it's natural to think, 'Could I have done this or that, would it have made a difference?', it is part of the grieving process but will not last forever. Many of us have been there and can identify with what you are feeling.

Plant something in your garden in memory of him, involve your children in that. Love yourself and your children and make your lives the best they can be.

your dad following you could equally mean wanting to give you a hug and say, "Don't worry girl, I love you and I'm fine".

Well all I can say to that is "Dad, next time please don't be a zombie" I don't want to be told I love you by a fucking zombie - it's not a comforting feeling, in dreams or otherwise!! Thanks for making me smile.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Please reach out for support everyone will understand.
I know sometimes you build things up in your head worrying about other people too much and how they will react and I know how hard it is because I think the same way, but most of the time people just want to help.

I'm sorry for your loss. If you are a person who doesnt normally share feelings then talking about loss will be especially hard. But it's so important. Reflecting and talking about feelings is so important, if you pretend they are not there they aren't being processed and then eventually feelings can become suppressed without you even being aware of that, causing more problems in the long term.
You might think it's too late but it's never too late. You need to get over the "I'm fine on my own" and reach out to people. If they are true friends they will understand.

If I was your friend I would totally understand, please contact people if you're able and let them support you, I promise you won't be using them.

If someone you knew and cared about had gone through a bereavement and cut themselves off from everyone, including you, would you tell them to piss off if they reconnected? I doubt it.

Give your friends some credit.

You say you can't deal with the messages of condolence. But you simply have to deal with them. It's called grieving. Luckily for you you're on lockdown at the moment so you don't have to face people. Reading text is easier. You can do it in your own times, on your own terms. You can cry, snot and bawl in the privacy of your own room.

Please reach you to a friend or two. You would want your friend to reach out to you if they were struggling.

Oh gosh your post has brought a tear to my eye. I'm so sorry you're going through this alone.

Just get back in touch with your friends & vicar. They'll understand.

Sometimes we need to let people know.
It might be better to just let everyone know via media, that your sorry you have been absent but your dad died and you had to cut yourself off for a while.
Anyone who cares will contact you.

@peterrabbitspossumi totally understand, I often suffer with really surreal but realistic as in I honestly think they are real at the time nightmares and sleep paralysis as in I am half awake but can’t wake myself up so I literally feels like the dream is happening around me and it’s usually based around something happening to my kids in my own house and I am there but can’t do anything I always wake up the next day dripped in cold sweat and aching like it’s actually happened and absolutely knackered, so I know how real dreams can be! Try not to worry about going back to sleep have a hot drink and maybe try to switch off by reading a book or my personal fave - hot bath and a book! Sorry to hear you’ve been through a lot but if you did want to reconnect with some people I bet it’s not too late at all, most people would 100% forgive you , in fact if they didn’t thru wouldn’t be worth knowing anyway xx