DH Helping / Not Helping...

[BeanT]

Sorry for lengthy post - my first time so bear with me!

Like lots of others, I’m currently combining working from home with home-schooling my two DCs. I do a high-pressure job but luckily part time; I am the primary earner. DH currently working full time from home.

Over the last week I’ve been juggling a busy work load (several colleagues are off so I’m super busy) and home-schooling. I had a dreadful day yesterday. Work was really busy and pressured, both DCs played up.

DH, who was under less work pressure, said he would help out. That help amounted to undermining the home-schooling (saying they didn't have to finish it etc when DS had an assignment which had to be completed and handed in - when I had to intervene and point out it wasn’t optional and was time-critical, DH got the hump).

DH put an item in the washing machine and clearly expected a medal; but he left it festering there instead of drying it, and managed somehow to ignore everything else in the laundry basket.

This morning, I had to get up 2 hours before everyone else in order to finish all my outstanding work - I don’t usually work Fridays.

When DH got up, I was a bit tearful and said I could do with him helping a bit more, but he needed to do helpful things i.e. support me when it’s a day we’re both working. I also said I felt like I was the only person who was trying to plan ahead and make sure everything ran smoothly.

What has now happened is this: DH sort of accused me of being a control freak. Then he asked his boss for today day off, strongly implying that I have had some sort of mental health crisis and he needs to look after everyone at home.

I’m not working today so I don’t actually need any help at home right now, and I remain fully in command of my faculties.

He’s now storming around the house doing lots of completely unnecessary things like vacuuming the spare room, dusting pot plants. He’s making a big show of what a massive imposition this is on his workload. And I just know that, come Monday, he’ll claim he’s completely overloaded and slink back off to his office, leaving me juggling work, the kids, and the laundry pile just like always.

AIBU to be rather cross? Or should I just suck it up and at least appreciate that I won’t have to vacuum the spare room for a bit?

Do you have a patio?

Your only mistake was to be “a bit tearful”. That was imposing on him and he doesn’t like it.

Next time, if you ever speak to him again, is to give him direct instructions as to what you’d like him to do, asking him to help and/or support you a bit more is far too vague for an arse who doesn’t want to but won’t admit it to your face

My take on this would be. Home schooling has to be flexible and will have to fit in with your working hours. Time sensitive work can be submitted late as long as it's done, but n fact I wouldn't have the children attempting work if it's upsetting yours. Get them doing school work in the eve or in your off days. This has to be a sustainable arrangement and piling pressure on everyone isn't going to be helpful long term. Leave the laundry on Monday if needs be it will get done Tuesday etc. We did no school work yesterday but did some planting in the garden we all cleaned etc but today we have managed a fair bit. Be kind to yourself and relax. Ps yes your husband needs to do more around the house start a daily list you can both work from. :)

YANBU. He is being a prick.

And God forbid you should impose on him with your tears as well 🙄

It is not his job to ‘help out’. It is his job to be a fucking full time grown up and take equal responsibility for caring for his children and household. Sit down and divide things up properly. He is not your assistant. He is an equal partner.

Rephrase this from 'helping a bit more' to doing his fucking share. He's not doing you a favour, but asking him to 'help' a bit more allows his to have that impression in his narrative. He'll never realise it's part of his JOB as parent and partner to do his fair share if he can slot it into his pea-brain as doing you a favour now and again. Be very clear on what your expectations are as an equal partner. I'll cook, you wash up and clean up afterwards. I'll put the laundry away after you have washed and dried it.

He's deliberately doing unnecessary and bad jobs because he knows it won't lighten your load so eventually you'll just think why bother fighting this and give up.

If he doesn't contribute to the household he is a member of, then stop treating him like a member. Leave his clothes in the laundry basket. Leave his dinner uncooked and his shopping unbought.

And send the dc into him to home school. Stay away from it. Go have a bath and ignore him and his deliberate incompetence. Let them miss the odd deadline etc. It won't mess up their education long term. But he won't take responsibility if you keep covering up his deliberate incompetence by taking the jobs back from him. Bet you rewashed and hung out that one item in the machine, didn't you?

I'm afraid I did rewash the abandoned laundry...

He was in a massive mood all day yesterday and this morning.

This morning it's been more about how I should talk about my worries more often, so that it doesn't end up "as a row". I made the point that every time I want support from him it ends up as a row, because he takes the hump!

He's always been hard work (he's very moody). I really hope this lockdown doesn't finish us off!

What a dick. Taking a day off on your day off when you’re struggling on the days you’re due to work. Seriously? How old are the kids? You don’t have to do school hours, spread it out over evenings and weekends so you can concentrate on work during the day, or spread your work out over more days. I’ve gone from 4 to 5, makes it easier

Deep breath and tell him that in this situation you fully expect him to act like an adult and to think for himself AND the rest of his family.

He can choose to be part of a solution or to increase the problems, his choice! But you won't be paddling round after him, trying to make his life easier at your own expense.

Let him stomp about.

But he’s not meant to be helping. He’s meant to doing his share, properly and without bull shit.

How old are your children?

Sorry the Let him stomp about - was meant to be about letting him stomp about cleaning.

Kids are both primary age with a big age gap. They both need structure or they play up! I'll try and spread what they're doing out a bit more through the week, school have already said they think they overestimated how much daily work to allocate and they're sending lighter stuff next week.

I probably am a control freak, btw.
But it keeps our household running smoothly!

Under normal circumstances does he do his fair share of domestic work and parenting?

Why are you leading the distance learning on your working days, especially when you’re the higher earner?

I think you need to spell it out what you need. Him occupying the children for at least a couple if hours on a school day. Doing a whole load of laundry when needed. You also need to make info available about their school work if you want him to help. Having said that deadlines for kids work at the moment is ridiculous.

Dont stress about home schooling if we all get through this in one piece it's a success.

Sorry should be your work day not school day.

Lots of men who don’t want to pull their weight do stuff badly/with bad grace then accuse their partners of being a “control freak” if she complains.

Taking wet washing out of the machine reasonably promptly is basic, for example.

Ok - so the older one must be 8/9?

They can do their share of tidying up which might help. So can the younger one. If they are at school they can tidy.

Primary home learning can wait a bit. The teachers will understand.

But your H does need to step up and be a grownup. If he does then he gets to decide the order of some stuff. He may not do it as you would but if it’s done (and finished) - that’s ok.

They're primary children, there just aren't time critical assignments that must be submitted. You're going to have to relax a bit regarding the pressure you are putting yourselves under in regards to home schooling. You are NOT home schooling - that is a planned choice parents make for the best interests of their child. This is an emergency situation and entirely different. Don't even try to 'home school'. Especially whilst WFH, you'll break yourselves. Learning takes many forms, let them play and explore.
Saying that, DH does need to be doing his share, but you maybe need to be a bit less controlling.

Does he have any redeemable qualities?

When I used to ask DH if he would do the cooking (as an example) he’d respond with “What shall I cook?”.

It took a while for me to think things through as to why that one question would have me throwing my hands up in despair. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do the actual cooking it was that I didn’t want to have to think about it. So we discussed it and worked actually what I was asking for. Eventually, that evolved into menu planning.
We wrote a cleaning schedule and what each room needed.

Do you think turning into a constructive plan rather than just feelings might produce a different result?

Actually one small thing we did that made a massive difference this week was to write what each evenings meal was on the calendar. By the end of the day it was great not to have to think about what to cook ( for either of us)

He does usually do his fair share of the domestic work but anything to do with homework ends up in my remit.

Last term we went away for the weekend and he expressed surprise that I was packing what he called a "ridiculously ill-timed weekend project". He suggested we ignore it as it was a "one off project".

It wasn't a project. It was a reading comprehension. Apparently over the last however many years he had not noticed that the children receive and compete homework every weekend.

@BeanT

I probably am a control freak, btw.
But it keeps our household running smoothly!

Because if your weren't a 'control freak' nothing would get done, would it?

Stop putting yourself down and realise it's him not stepping up.

Properly dividing and conquering might help. Figure out what each of you are responsible for.