DH Helping / Not Helping...

[BeanT]

Sorry for lengthy post - my first time so bear with me!

Like lots of others, I’m currently combining working from home with home-schooling my two DCs. I do a high-pressure job but luckily part time; I am the primary earner. DH currently working full time from home.

Over the last week I’ve been juggling a busy work load (several colleagues are off so I’m super busy) and home-schooling. I had a dreadful day yesterday. Work was really busy and pressured, both DCs played up.

DH, who was under less work pressure, said he would help out. That help amounted to undermining the home-schooling (saying they didn't have to finish it etc when DS had an assignment which had to be completed and handed in - when I had to intervene and point out it wasn’t optional and was time-critical, DH got the hump).

DH put an item in the washing machine and clearly expected a medal; but he left it festering there instead of drying it, and managed somehow to ignore everything else in the laundry basket.

This morning, I had to get up 2 hours before everyone else in order to finish all my outstanding work - I don’t usually work Fridays.

When DH got up, I was a bit tearful and said I could do with him helping a bit more, but he needed to do helpful things i.e. support me when it’s a day we’re both working. I also said I felt like I was the only person who was trying to plan ahead and make sure everything ran smoothly.

What has now happened is this: DH sort of accused me of being a control freak. Then he asked his boss for today day off, strongly implying that I have had some sort of mental health crisis and he needs to look after everyone at home.

I’m not working today so I don’t actually need any help at home right now, and I remain fully in command of my faculties.

He’s now storming around the house doing lots of completely unnecessary things like vacuuming the spare room, dusting pot plants. He’s making a big show of what a massive imposition this is on his workload. And I just know that, come Monday, he’ll claim he’s completely overloaded and slink back off to his office, leaving me juggling work, the kids, and the laundry pile just like always.

AIBU to be rather cross? Or should I just suck it up and at least appreciate that I won’t have to vacuum the spare room for a bit?

He sounds super irritating OP. But if you admit to being a bit of if a control freak then I think you need to try and let go a bit. When he does step up you should try and leave him to it and let him sort out the mess if it goes wrong, rather than stepping in and telling him how to do it.

DH, who was under less work pressure, said he would help out.

This is your problem right here.

You have to get out of the mindset that he is doing you a favour by pitching in. He lives in the house, eats the food, wears the clothes and fathered the children.

Imagine for a second that you are behaving like him and he is behaving like you. Would that seem acceptable?

Of course not.

There's some really excellent advice here! Thank you all!

I think you've hit the nail on the head... is not that I don't want to DO all the stuff as much as that I don't want to be THINKING about all the stuff.

I'll ask DH to be in charge of meals as he likes to do that, and it's something he can own end-to-end.

I'll ask him to engage with me on understanding what work the kids have to do so that he can help properly. For instance, actually take time to understand how the maths is done rather than help the eldest to get half the questions wrong.

And I'll try and relax a bit too!

Could I just ask OP, the one item that he put in the laundry, did it happen to belong to him?

My husband has form for very infrequently doing a load, and it’s always always his cycling kit.

Fuck, that's spooky. Have you been watching my house, Shagmeriggins?
Yes. Cycling gear. The kind that looks like an inside out baboon arse.

it’s a widespread phenomenon.