Friend is so patronising

[Sapphiresunrise]

She's in my main set of friends so it's difficult to just cut her out.
I don't know how to best explain it but every time I talk to her I always feel low on confidence and that she's the one who's 'advising' and is in the right.

I have some friends who appear to have low self-esteem and are perhaps vulnerable in some ways, but our conversations always feel very balanced and I just do not feel the same way I do as when I speak to this friend.

She seems to think that the ladies in our friendship group who are single must all be desperate for a man and unhappy (she's married) but it's not the case at all.
I told her that I wasn't looking to date and was fine as I was, she looked at me as if I were an alien and was just speechless.

I don't have a car, don't own a house, don't have a lot of money etc. But i'm happy with my life and what I do. However because she has all these things, she seems to think she's at a different stage of life to me, and that i'm sort kind of vulnerable and fragile flower who is lost in life.

Even with the Covid-19 issue, she is not a trained medical expert yet seems to be the official doctor of the group, I told her that I felt unwell and she told me, "If you don't have this, this or this you don't have CV, I've got this and this but I know I don't have CV."

I told her I was wearing plastic gloves to do my food shopping as of now. She asked me about how I was taking the gloves off, and then told me "You do realise that when you wash your hands, you will be spreading even more germs."
Which of course is going to make me worry, then immediately after saying that she says, "I just don't want you to live in fear." 🙄
I appreciate that she means well but I just never feel good when I talk to her. I feel like I have to prove i'm not what she thinks I am.
She just constantly gives advice that is not asked for.. Her husband has an opinion on everything, he can be quite scathing and I know she tells him everything. I just don't want to create any drama, especially at a time like this.
Just not sure how to deal with it.

Maybe just create a bit of natural distance so you're not on the receiving end of it, not hard to do at the moment! It sounds like she's just playing out her own insecurities on other people. It doesn't mean she's not a friend, like you said she means well. Also if her husband is very opinionated she's probably projecting some of what she's on the receiving end of too. It's a tricky time, people are stressed, step back and see how you feel when everyone's on the other side of this.

Thanks, yeah you are right, i'm trying to create distance..
Another thing she will do is 'choose' which messages she replies to. Yesterday I messaged her about my ex (I hadn't mentioned it in 4 months to her) to tell her that he had broken up with his girlfriend.
She ignored the message (she's posting etc online since), probably because she thinks I' should have moved on ".
I would understand if I was talking about him daily but it's been months.
It's just annoying, stuff like that.
You are right, I think it's gotten worse since she got with her husband, I really do.
It is a very stressful time indeed and hate how it's bringing out the worst of a lot of people.

Her husband is that sort of person where if you say black, he will say white, and I do think that's had an impact on her.
If I tell her about a guy I thought there was a red flag with or something she will ALWAYS have to find the opposite argument, she can't just agree or take in what i'm saying, she always has to say something contradictory and it just makes me feel like i'm overly harsh or something.

She doesn’t sound much of a friend OP - I’d naturally let it fade - you don’t have to ghost but you don’t have to share everything either - she’s clearly not bringing joy to your life!

Yeah.. I just can't shake this feeling that she gives me, I come away feeling rubbish and I hate how she thinks i'm 'lost' or something just because i'm not married or driving ffs lol.
I think this has made me realise life is short and precious, we shouldn't waste any of it on people who make us unhappy.

Stop communicating with her and she will fade from your head space.

I know exactly the type of person you mean. It’s the type of person I avoid like the plague (easier now in this current status).

Are your friends with low self esteem part of this same friendship group? Do you think she might enjoy being “the leader” of you all?

You can try anything from a breezy “well isn’t it nice that we all have different opinions, eh”? to “oh god, give it a rest and let someone else speak won’t you? It seems like hours since you’ve stopped to take a breath”.

Before I say anything else get some help to get some confidence and self worth no human is more important than any other and these are not feelings you should just have to live with!

You just don't tell her anything of importance.

You're not allowed to meet up just now so carry on your friendships (separately on the phone) as normal but edit the one with her so she had nothing "to use" that will have an effect on you.

Start to regularly pull her up in a nice way.

When she gives you the pitying looks just say look you obviously don't understand that that someone could be happy or fulfilled if they made different choices to you so I'm not going to argue but don't insult me that not what a good friend does.
Or I am following the official guidelines, your interpretation is just that an interpretation so stop passing it along like it's fact you don't have any more information than me on this situation so you don't know any better than me.

P.s standing up for yourself even when you don't believe in yourself enough to deserve it will be tiny steps to building up your worth. You have to give yourself care because all humans deserve that but it has to start with you.

Stop volunteering information.
If she asks you stuff, be vague, turn the conversation back to her (people normally love to talk about themselves)
And most importantly - don't attempt to justify your views or actions to her. You owe her no explanations. A non committal mhmm, or ok is fine.

Why are you messaging her telling her stuff? Just stop and concentrate on the pals who dont make you feel like crap.

Block and run

If you block her number, will it block her showing up in your WhatsApp group chat? I'd just do that. Life is too short.

That's not the subtle nice examples Iv used but they are direct and not rude about her.

It's more about tone in delivery because that is what she will react to.

The good thing is she blows up you can cut her out entirely. Hopefully your friends are real friends which means you won't havide side taking but if you do they weren't your real friends.

Bloody autocorrect correct!

I have a close relative who does this to me (and others). It has taken the greater part of my life to realise it is her who is lacking in confidence and full of insecurities and this is why she tries to instruct and direct those around her. I can be more patient with her now I have worked it out, which is good because she us a really nice person apart from that most annoying bossiness.

Be aware (if you do actually like her) that these very insecure people take a direct criticism/rebuke very hard as their "shell" is not a thick one.

Thank you for the replies, they are very helpful ! That's the thing, I know she is very sensitive, she goes crying to her husband (she has said this).
I will just fade out, I have tried this before but she messaged again. I don't know how to approach her without coming across too harshly.

Why the fuck would anybody want to know that you're still bothered about your ex and his relationship issues? It's been FOUR MONTHS.

(sorry, Caps Lock fuck up)

Lack of confidence can also manifest in trying to appear authoritative all the time.

It's still not healthy to be following the sex life of your ex long after you've split up. Nobody is particularly interested in that.

Mitzik you beat me to that

OP sometimes low self esteem can make you misinterpret everything people do and say.

Focus on yourself.

Hey OP
I know the type of person you mean with this. One thing that works for me, is remembering that her opinion doesn't matter. If she isn't someone with your best interests at heart, she doesn't matter. She doesn't know your entire life, therefore is unable to comment on it. Her opinion DOESN'T MATTER. Once you register this, you will free yourself, and anything that she says will wash over you, like it was a child saying it to you. Because what do they know.

In terms of being in a friendship group, remain polite to her, but you don't need to tell her specifically anything. You don't need to tell her about your ex, or ask her for support, you have other people in your group you can do that with.

If she messages you specifically and you have difficulty saying much or zoning her out - just reply back to her in the group chat "hey x, I thought I'd reply here since it's easier than sending a separate message to everyone". Things like this will show her that she isn't such a special friend that you're only speaking to her. And take your time replying because "sorry I was busy".

But feel free to make her feel like she has two heads! But in a polite funny way "giggle giggle, I enjoy having the bed to myself thanks very much! OMG can you imagine not having a lie in every saturday just because of the kids pheeww! Don't worry about having a mortgage, it means I can move whenever wherever I wan't and I don't have huge debt in my name, honestly don't know how you can do it!" Think about all the positives of your life, and show her that you're secure with it. (That's if you care about what she thinks.) It might get her off your back.

End of the day, people patronise others because it makes them feel superior. So don't make her feel superior. Don't elevate her opinions. Don't ask for opinions. Tell her how fantastic your life is.

Hope this helps!

I know exactly the type of person you mean, and I agree that a good approach is not to request their opinion and not to engage too much when they offer it.

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind" and change the subject. And then don't keep it in mind, and never mention it again.

She's just some woman. What she says means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Clearly she likes the sound of her own voice, she's probably quite anxious and her way of dealing with it is by being controlling and overbearing... so leave her to it, let it be water off a duck's back.

It's got nothing to do with you, it's a problem she has, it's her own blind spot.

And agree with pp, stop offering her so much ammunition! Just ask her questions about herself. Constantly turn the conversation back to her. I can guarantee you that she has issues of her own, that she could focus on instead.

I don't know how to approach her without coming across too harshly.

DON'T approach her, just don't bother.
She feels free to ignore your messages - do the same if she messages you, and don't initiate contact.