To not be surprised that some men are still dodging looking after their own children?

[Amazemae]

So often you read about some men who stay busy with hobbies or come home late from work on purpose to avoid looking after their own children. Now with lockdown I keep reading about some men who just choose to lock themselves away in the study because they are working from home and can’t possibly be disturbed for even 5 minutes. Yes I accept some are genuinely busy and can’t but its a good excuse for some to hide behind a screen.

Obviously not all men.

I feel like the lockdown will exacerbate existing situations where some men don’t pull their weight in terms of looking after children.

My ex, the dcs dad said he wasn't having the dc's last Friday (as is the usual routine). Not because he had symptoms of Coronavirus, but because 2 of his work colleagues were off self isolating with symptoms. Just to be 'on the safe side'. Now, this is someone, who, the previous wk was saying 'you don't believe that bs, do you?' About covid-19. I had a cough and a cold (don't know if CV) for previous 2 wks so dcs we're off school before it was closed, so I had been looking after them constantly whilst not feeling brilliant myself. I wouldn't have minded if he had actually been ill (even if it wasn't CV in the current climate) but he felt absolutely fine, but couldn't see the dc.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly you really don't need to 'not all men' on here, the men can do it perfectly well themselves

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/coronavirus/3856783-how-to-deal-with-friends-claiming-to-be-key-workers

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/coronavirus/3859525-to-think-if-we-can-t-trust-nhs-staff-to-follow-the-rules

YANBU and nor am I surprised to see all the posters on here making excuses and denying this stuff ever happens. Men get away with not because their wives “put up with it” but because society actively encourages it

@HeIenaDove thank you!

I think some men mentally check out of family life and disguise it with the appearance of being busy and out and about. When stuck in the home its more obvious that they are just crap fathers and partners.

It's so normalised that the man's job is more important. I had this discussion with my friends on houseparty last night. I've got several friends with both couples WFH and the woman is doing most of the childcare as their DPs can't be disturbed. One of them DHs said yesterday that they "were embarrassed to ask for time to look after their children"

My wanker ex seems to be using this as a great excuse not to see the kids. I think he’s seen them for a grand total of 10 hours in the whole of March which is impressive since I’ve been ill enough that I was admitted to hospital for 2 days! He just left the oldest (over 18) to deal with the others. I didn’t have corona so not sure what he’s so scared off - oh yeah a bit of hard work!

I don’t know why OP is getting such a hard time. This place is regularly full of thread upon thread complaining that men don’t pull their weight when it comes to looking after their own children.

@Amazemae A lot of employers still have really poor leave packages for Dads. If I was a Mum I would have received 90% of my salary for six months, then 70% for four months and 50% for two months. As I’m a dad I received 90% for two weeks then the statutory amount of £140ish a week. Despite several challenges it’s something my employer at the time was unwilling to change despite it being discriminatory.

I’m WFH, my boyfriend has just moved in so he’s doing a bit of childcare in the day (poor sod), I work in finance so everything is more uncertain than usual and I’m working more than my usual 9-4:15 four times a week. But unless I’m video conferencing (about an hour per day so far), I can generally supervise my son okay as long as I lower my standards on his behaviour etc.

A male friend of mine who separated from his wife (at his instigation) in early Feb, and has his own house In the next street on the understanding they would share residency of the kids 50/50, has not yet looked after his own children. He is working from home in a half-assed way, but his wife works for the NHS and needs to go in daily, but he just ‘drops in’ to see the children at his former family home.

Before he ended his marriage, he was always the type who was locked into his study all weekend because of work, when in fact (we used to work together) he’s just notoriously disorganised. Curiously, now that he appears to think that 50/50 applies only when it suits him, he’s to be found gaming, rather than hunched over his PC.

Ahh this is one of them situations where I sit back and smile. I am so very grateful I'm not still stuck with a arsehole manchild to deal with any more. The thought of lockdown when I lived with him would have had me in a right state. He made everything 100 times harder than it needed to be. Of course so everything fir perfectly in with him and his wants. Bugger the other 3 people in the house as long as he is happy. Otherwise he would behave like a brat unroll he got his own way. The other option was a massive row such would then end up with me apologising.... WTFFF

YANBU.

I left my childcare dodging arsehole H in Feb, just before the virus hit the UK. THANK FUCK because being locked up with him gaming working in the study and me being on my own when I struggle with MH and my youngest has SN would have driven me to murder.

It definitely happens a lot. I know irl I'm not alone in this and have read plenty online where it's the case. Being in lockdown is going to make relationship dynamics that were previously murky clear as crystal!

Yes I sympathise. I'm off work because we have a baby so obviously I can do 100% of the childcare but I don't see how I am meant to be home educating the school aged one when I also have a baby and toddler.

My dh is working from home and I was hoping that he'd help a bit more than he is, he is genuinely very busy but I have said a couple of times that if I was working as well his employer would not be able to demand of him what he's been doing as he'd have to do some childcare as well.

I am getting anxiety from people posting their time tables for he schooling their kids which two wfh parents are obviously juggling between their work meetings. All I can do is a bit of reading and maths during the younger ones nap time. I am worried the eldest is going to get behind because of this.

YANBU. My ex, and several others I know have refused to have the kids in a fair split to allow us both time to wfh freely. We do the same job but his need to do it uninterrupted is much more important than mine. I shouldnt be surprised, when he left he moved away with OW and chose eow only so he hasn't done a single school run, sick day etc in years. Loads of men are doing this and have been for years. It is not misandrist to state this. Yes there are some women of course, but the vast bulk of single parents are women, the vast majority of maintenance owed is by men and the hundreds of posts on here from women who's male partners don't pull their weight at home all attest to the OPs general point. The fact that its not ALL doesnt mean its not many.

I work in a school kitchen and we are on a rota to go in and feed the kids who we have in (max has been 5 this week) for those kids on site there is one member of SLT, 2 teachers, 1 site team member and 1 catering staff- deemed as essential to run the school. Every day this week the same teacher has been on site working and coming in for lunch when they could be working at home as they have not reached their day on the rota yet. The teacher in question is Female and when I commented yesterday that I had seen her name on the lunch sheet for the whole of the week she gladly admitted to me that she was in as she couldn’t stand to be trapped at home with her 2.5 year old.
I agree that the majority of 2.5 year olds are hard work but if you feel like that bring in your own lunch and stay in your class room don’t come over and cause unnecessary risk to me, the rest of the catering staff and others on site because you don’t want to be at home with your child. The catering manager has sent an email over to the leadership team to say that we will only be catering for ESSENTIAL staff and anyone else needs to bring lunch and not come to the canteen. There are only a limited number of us and if we loose to many we won’t be able to operate meaning that the free school meal kids who we have been catering for won’t get a hot meal as pre packed sandwiches will need to be bought in if we are absent

My DH cant wfh (I can do a small amount ). Our DC are tween so dont need looking after as such but do need prompting and guidance with the school work that was set. DH was amazed when i suggested one day he could instigate homeschool (instead of doing the garden!)

Anecdotally, the children I know who are eligible for a school/childcare place due to key worker parent, EHCP etc are more likely to be going in if the parent otherwise caring for them at home would be dad.

I feel like the lockdown will exacerbate existing situations where some men don’t pull their weight in terms of looking after children.

How do you know how much weight they should be pulling? It seems many people here just assume it should be half. For all you know, there is an explicit agreement saying otherwise. Even where there isn't, if a proper discussion had been held before having children, and it was possible for an enforceable contract to be agreed, would those men have signed up for 50:50? And if not, would the women have caved and agreed to do more than half? (Even if there was no discussion, what the parties would have agreed to is a reasonable guide to what should happen. In some cases there wouldn't have been an agreement, one or both parties in those relationships will then unavoidably be getting a worse deal than they signed up for. )

My work have sent my desktop home so I am wfh so my DH is on childcare duties during my hours of work.

He is home and getting paid but doesn't have to go to work - not jealous at all 😂

YANBU OP. My husband is still working but that is likely to change from Monday onwards... I'll be very surprised if our marriage survives the next couple of months. He may surprise me and pull his weight but past experience makes me feel otherwise. This will definitely be the test.

Some of the stuff on here applies to me & DH.... sort of. Like I can't trust him to do the shopping or buy the children's clothes.

But I've realised over the years that an element of it is he simply cares less than me. E.g. he will just eat a limited diet/dress the kids in anything warm enough etc without it bothering him and his supermarket choices reflect this.

I cant make him care if the kids clothes match and to be fair, why should I?

Oh and forget men hiding in the study to get out of childcare. I've locked DH away in there to ensure he doesn't annoy me

Anecdotally, the children I know who are eligible for a school/childcare place due to key worker parent, EHCP etc are more likely to be going in if the parent otherwise caring for them at home would be dad.

Anecodtally, that's my experience too.