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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish it was a definite NO to children going to see the non-resident parent?

69 replies

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 25/03/2020 09:35

DC other parent's partner still working. We are not seeing anyone. Yet the Gov think it is ok for children to go from one to the other. It is crazy - isnt it Hmm??

Non resident parent is a PITA, dcs are old enough for them to communicate without me fortunately. If I did explain how I feel, I would either be 'being difficult' or just get no reply.

So our self-isolating is put in jeopardy every 2 weeks because of this.

AIBU in saying to DC if you go, then you stay with other parent till this lockdown has ended? I seriously dont know what to do for the best

OP posts:
WarIsPeace · 25/03/2020 10:29

I can't understand why it's any different from couples meeting

It is different though. It's children, who need relationships with both parents and lots of parents need the time to work

I don't live with my boyfriend, he lives nearly an hour away. I hate that we won't see each other but we are both adults and we will deal with it.

However I cannot not see my own children for weeks /months. They need me.

Wannabangbang · 25/03/2020 10:29

Think it should depend on distance and how many other people they live with. I care about relationships with parents i really do but at the end of the day if mixing can be avoided it should be. Better to have alive kids and parents than dead ones

Ishihtzuknot · 25/03/2020 10:34

My children won’t be seeing their dad until this is over, their safety is more important imo and luckily their dad agrees. The more that people find ways to leave the house the longer we’ll be isolated.

aSofaNearYou · 25/03/2020 10:34

Imagine if you were the non resident parent and told you couldn't see your children for 3weeks if not more. How would you feel? I'd be devastated

Oh for Christ's sake. How would you feel if you were elderly and were aware that these lockdown measures mean you are never going to see anyone again and will die alone? We are all devastated. It is necessary for us all to make sacrifices regardless. Kids who only get to see one of their parents have it lightly compared to a majority of people.

And 3 weeks? That is a laughably small amount of time to be so upset about. ANY of us should be able to cope with three weeks given the severity of the circumstances.

I totally agree with you OP. Everything the gov has said on the subject sounds to me like they know it is not a good idea and would prefer people didn't do it, but feel like their hands are tied in terms of public opinion (similar to funerals). I can see why given how outraged and totally unwilling to make sacrifices the parents on here are.

BeetrootRocks · 25/03/2020 10:37

It's not going to be 3 weeks

Reports say up to 2 years before normality returns.

No one knows at the moment.

Whoareyoudududu · 25/03/2020 10:48

Imagine if you were the non resident parent and told you couldn't see your children for 3weeks if not more. How would you feel? I'd be devastated

Not all NRP’s care. My exH doesn’t seem overly bothered, he’s planning on FaceTiming them once a week and he’s fine with that. I’m also sure most NRP’s care about their child’s safety above all else so will just deal with it to keep everyone safe.

BeetrootRocks · 25/03/2020 10:55

One woman on another thread lockdown came and they were with their dad so he says they stay there.

I wonder how the op would feel in that boat. So keen to say for the safety of the nation that is right.

JustBecauseYouCanBarry · 25/03/2020 10:56

Not all NRP’s care

And not all of them don't care either. My husband would be devastated as would the kids.

I've seen threads on here from keyworker RPs argue that it's the only joy they get seeing their kids when it's been suggested that maybe they should stay with NRP instead. I know a lot of RP who would happily stop children seeing NRP 'just in case' but would raise hell before letting it happen the other way around, I imagine there's a few on here as well.

Not every ex is a shit, PITA, who doesn't care about seeing their kids anyway. Some really do, some are taking it seriously and doing what they can in order to minimise risk in order to keep contact with their kids.

It shouldn't be a blanket 'no' in my opinion. It should be decided within individual families dependant on their circumstances. If your ex is a shit and you're worried about your kids going then don't send them. In our case, RP is a keyworker and we at the NRP household, are both working from home. Kids aren't in school and stay with us practically 50/50 so their other parent can continue their essential job. More risk with them staying with the RP in that situation imo but I'd probably be skewered alive for suggesting they live with us instead for a while.

cookit · 25/03/2020 10:58

I’m not sure the government can really produce guidance for every specific case and there are so many different situations of blended families out there. People will have to use common sense and come up with an agreement that works. It’s not exactly for the government to make people behave like reasonable adults.

Onetonone · 25/03/2020 11:04

Completely agree. Teach them to wash their hands

Original poster
CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 25/03/2020 11:04

@BeetrootRocks - to answer you, I would feel fine compared to them getting it or passing it on. I would miss them of course! But for their safety and not spreading it I would be relieved someone else was taking responsibility too.

OP posts:
blubellsarebells · 25/03/2020 11:08

My son will be going to his dads as normal.
One child, both off work, only going out to shop once a week.
Both single so nobody else coming or going from either houselhold.
I cant see how its differnt to if we lived together.
It would be a differnt risk to manage if we both had partners and step kids coming in and out.

aSofaNearYou · 25/03/2020 11:08

I agree @cookit, it would be a minefield to organise which they probably don't have time for, but I think they could at least come out and say it should be avoided if possible, like all other kinds of contact have been. That way people might stop insisting they are doing absolutely no harm and adding no risk because the guidelines say it's fine.

The only people doing this should really be the people who have no other logistical choice, just like in every other scenario.

TheOrigBrave · 25/03/2020 11:10

I think the fact there is a CAO in place likely indicates that communication between parents is difficult. The Guidance states " the best way to deal with these difficult times will be for parents to communicate with one another about their worries, and what they think would be a good, practical solution."

My CAO was put in place because we couldn't communicate on any level and ex was very obstructive. He still is. I don't think situation is going to suddenly make him put his child's needs first.

Leostar · 25/03/2020 11:22

Please explain what happens when both separated parents are essential keyworkers i.e. specialist roles in a public service that you will absolutely need when the shit properly hits the fan?

If the kids are only going between the two households no one else will be affected.

A little common sense and compassion is lacking

JustBecauseYouCanBarry · 25/03/2020 11:23

TheOrigBrave, well in that case the advice is

Where parents do not agree to vary the arrangements set out in a CAO, but one parent is sufficiently concerned that complying with the CAO arrangements would be against current PHE/PHW advice, then that parent may exercise their parental responsibility and vary the arrangement to one that they consider to be safe.

We as parents need to be making the decisions based on our individual circumstances not issuing a blanket 'no' on child contact for everyone. Some children will be far more prone to issues by not seeing their other parent than catching the virus at their NRPs house, it depends on the circumstances at that household.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/03/2020 11:24

Completely agree, a million percent. And have had several heated discussions on here about it!

DiNATwist · 25/03/2020 11:25

The judicial guidance comes down to

  1. Don't be a dickhead
  2. Keep everyone as safe as you can
3 Don't be a dickhead
  1. Keep children at ONE home for the duration of the isolation.
  2. If you're a key worker and the other parent is a SAHP or working from home, the DC stay with the SAHP got the duration.
  3. Don't be a dickhead
  4. If, because you're not a dickhead, you decide to suspend physical contact for the time being, the courts WILl NOT throw a hissy fit / shout at you/ take your DC away or limit future contact . Instead the court WILl recognise that you are NOT a dickhead / that you are an awesome parent/ that you are an upstanding & responsible member of the wider community & NOT A DiCKHEAD
# stayhomestaysafe
blackswan88 · 25/03/2020 11:36

We allowed both my children and my step children to choose where they wanted to stay for the next 3 weeks then we will re-evaluate. So I have 2 of mine and one stepchild, one step child with his mother and 2 of mine with their Dad. That is 3 houses to worry about and I will just not take the risk.

blackswan88 · 25/03/2020 11:44

Incase that wasn't clear there are 6 children involved...I didn't mean I just have 2 of my own and 1 stepchild who are all staying elsewhere Smile

isitsummertimeyet · 25/03/2020 11:48

Would you feel the same if you were the parent that only had limited access and was told you cant see them now for maybe 3 months or more..

I highly doubt it, I find your attitude a bit selfish to expect the non resident parent to just suck up missing out on a quarter of the year of non contact. :/

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/03/2020 11:50

*Would you feel the same if you were the parent that only had limited access and was told you cant see them now for maybe 3 months or more..

I highly doubt it, I find your attitude a bit selfish to expect the non resident parent to just suck up missing out on a quarter of the year of non contact. :/*

I don't think some of you are seeing the bigger picture - this is not BAU. My husband probably won't see his kids for 12 weeks now. We all have to make sacrifices.

BeetrootRocks · 25/03/2020 11:55

Crazy you would be fine with not seeing your kids for up to 2 years (the timespan I mentioned in the post you are replying to)?

Bollocks.

BeetrootRocks · 25/03/2020 11:56

The impact on the children is not being mentioned here which is very very interesting.

aSofaNearYou · 25/03/2020 11:58

If the kids are only going between the two households no one else will be affected

This is categorically not true, especially in the scenario you described where both parents are still out working!

Parent A gets infected unknowingly and passes it on the the child, who then goes to their other house and infects Parent B, who spreads it around their work as well (and so on). That's everyone at Parent B's work exposed to the sickness of Parent A. People WILL be as affected by parents doing this as they would be by anyone else mixing, why can't people figure that out??

First things first, the government needs to put a stop to non essential work places being allowed to stay open at their discretion (which desperately needs doing anyway if you look at the London tubes), so that we don't have parents insisting they must go to work when their work is not important in the slightest at the moment. All of those people, now they are at home and able to look after the kids, should be strongly discouraged from breaking isolation to send the kids to the other parent. That should only leave the families with essential key workers in both houses. I thought that was why they kept schools open, tbh, but at least this way as few people as possible will still be doing this and spreading the virus further.

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