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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Living with my husband who's cheated on me and refuses to leave

32 replies

Chaz2020 · 24/03/2020 18:06

I have known my husband for 10 years and we have a daughter. About 6 months ago we started having problems reasons being I found out he was cheating on me. He went away on holiday to Bali with the girl without my knowledge he lied to me and said he was going with his friends. When he came back I had changed the locks to the door to the flat that we share but up until now I have no idea how he gained entry. I confronted him about the holiday and he still lied. He kept on carrying on like things were normal but we kept arguing. Unfortunately our daughter fell sick and she was in ITU round about the time I had decided to leave. And he kept on disappearing to be with his girlfriend who by the way knows that he has a wife and kid. It was in January our daughter came back home and he said he was sorry and wanted to make things work but he didn't stop. Disappearing most weekends and we had a planned holiday asked him if we should cancel as we were not getting along he said to go could give us a chance to build our relationship again but through out the 2 week holiday he was communicating with the girl.
We came back but we had decided I should stay at home and look after our daughter as it was very terrifying what she had gone through while in hospital but things between us were only getting worse and I couldn't move as I had no money. I asked to move out and told him we should separate asked him to talk about what we do in terms of our child but he never responded all he kept saying that he was not going anywhere he was sorry and he didn't want to lose his family. Now I know we cannot be together but now because of coronavirus we are stuck together in a 1 bed flat am I being unreasonable when I get upset that he answers his girlfriends phone calls infront of me and can anyone advise how I live with this man who cant stand my sight he looks at me as if I'm the one that did wrong how do I live with him on this current situation.

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Shmithecat2 · 24/03/2020 18:10

Tell him to move in with his girlfriend. I'm so sorry you're stuck with this, at the worst possible time.

Shmithecat2 · 24/03/2020 18:11

In the meantime, get your shit together.

Assets, finances, bank statements, debts, list them all. What's the situation with your home, do you rent? Own? Do you work?

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 24/03/2020 18:11

Do you own or rent? In joint names?

Chaz2020 · 24/03/2020 18:25

He says the girlfriend does not have a place of her own. We are currently renting he says it's his flat as well and he is entitled to speak to whomever he wants when he feels like it. For months after an arguement he would say he will move out but he never did and now is using the Isolation as an excuse. I'm currently not working because we had decided that i stay at home and look after the child for a while since she had gone through a traumatic experience. I am an agency key worker and I did have a job lined up for me but because he has let me down in the past where I used to work when he was off or during the weekends he wouldn't show up after his weekend getaways or he would turn up late soni would relaiable solid child care if I'm to go back to work. But also my problem at the moment is that when my daughter fell sick she had contracted pneumonia and her lungs collapsed. So as I'm worker who works in the hospital I am very sceptical of going to work and possibly bring the virus to my daughter.

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LakieLady · 24/03/2020 18:30

If he doesn't want to move out, I'm afraid there is very little you can do unless he's abusive.

I really feel for you, I went through something similar with my ex (no OW, but he refused to move out and I couldn't afford to). If there's any way you can scrape together the money for rent in advance and deposit, I'd move, tbh. It's what I'd do if I was ever in that position again.

HotSauceCommittee · 24/03/2020 18:34

Lock the door on him when he goes out and don’t let him back in. Play dirty. He’s done it to you.

panicstationsready · 24/03/2020 18:50

I would accidentally drop something incredibly heavy on his phone (i.e wardrobe) then the moment he leaves for any reason lock him out. If he then becomes abusive you can call the police.

ViciousJackdaw · 24/03/2020 18:59

'Come on DD, let's do a science experiment. Shall we find out whether things around the house can float? Let's start with Daddy's phone...'

FizzyGreenWater · 24/03/2020 19:00

Yes, as he's now not going to be able to go out and get a new one, that phone would be in the nearest toilet for a start.

Basically, tune him out and KNOW that as soon as this is over, he is toast.

Use any means to get as much money in your accounts as possible and in your name only - refuse to pay ANYTHING towards costs. His flat too? He can pay for it then. Hoard your cash then as soon as this is over, move with your DD. Hopefully nearer to any support your have and far away from him.

cavabiensepasser · 24/03/2020 19:12

Actuallyyyy his behaviour does fall under the abuse umbrella. Emotional abuse is classed as abuse. Contact women's aid NOW.

cavabiensepasser · 24/03/2020 19:14

Definitely make him pay for EVERYTHING. Rent, bills... EVERYTHING. Do not pay a single penny towards anything that isn't in your name, or is joint responsibility.

Only buy food for yourself and the child. Make his life unbearable in any way you can. Petty revenge is best revenge.

cavabiensepasser · 24/03/2020 19:18

OOOOOH you're actually married! HA! I wonder if you could get him into an awful lot of debt... Grin

Catloveisreal · 24/03/2020 19:47

I am in a similar situation. I really feel for you. This current health crisis makes it a million times worse.

Whalette · 24/03/2020 19:48

Don't break/damage any of his possessions - that's criminal.

Do contact Women's Aid.

Devaki · 24/03/2020 19:54

I know it goes against guidelines but is there anyone you could move in with? Parents, siblings? If your daughter is seen as vulnerable then should you be working? Could you get leave?
Staying is not good for your mental health at all. Sorry you’re in this position 😢

StamfordHill · 24/03/2020 20:05

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Homemadearmy · 24/03/2020 20:14

If he won't leave you will have to. Which sucks. I'm been in a similar situation and it was awful. Contact woman's aid and get help.

Chaz2020 · 24/03/2020 20:19

I done that before changed and went to my sisters but I found him inside the flat. All windows were closed and till today I dont know how he got into the house.

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Chaz2020 · 24/03/2020 21:37

I was not violent to him the flat is in both our names I changed the locks because he went off on holiday with this chick to Bali and did not leave a penny for house rent or Bill's including childcare at the time. When he left I was under the impression he was going on a lads holiday to an unknown destination, I didn't even know which date he was going when he talked about it it seemed as if it was in the future not knowing it was immediate. The day he left he texted his mum to pick up our child from nursery and said he was being held up at work when I got home in found some of clothes missing when I tried to call phone was going to voicemail and i sent a text some hours later that's when he replied with his present location in Bali. How I got to find out that he was with the chick I saw her number in his car i added it to my WhatsApp only to find her uploading pictures of herself with him in Bali

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StamfordHill · 25/03/2020 04:37

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MoonBlood · 25/03/2020 07:14

Changing the locks on a flat that's shared ownership is abusive at the very least.

He lied to his family and fucked off to Bali with his side piece, left his wife and his daughter with no money and SHE was abusive because she changed the locks when she found out where he was? Jesus Christ.

MoonBlood · 25/03/2020 07:15

I agree with not breaking the phone though.

PicturesOfCats · 25/03/2020 07:19

Flipping hell, I don’t know why to suggest, but that’s horrendous for you

copycopypaste · 25/03/2020 07:24

Do you rent or is it mortgages?

If you rent, speak to your landlord and explain the situation, one of you needs to come off the lease, if it's you then you can look for alt housing, check what benefits you can get, and do it that way. If you've got no money tied up and you rent them you move out, then you can legally throw him out if he turns up.

Chaz2020 · 25/03/2020 08:43

Thank you all for your suggestions just talking about it made me feel a whole lot better. I'm just waiting for this covid 19 isolation to be over and I can leave this living nightmare I'm in
Appreciate you all Smile

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