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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to travel back to my uni house tomorrow morning?

33 replies

pumpkin33 · 23/03/2020 22:46

Please try and be kind as I'm really struggling to make the right decision whilst being kind to myself :(

I'm a mature uni student but currently I'm staying at my parents house. I'm thinking of travelling back to my uni house tomorrow morning after this lockdown announcement as I'm really struggling here at my parents'.

Bit of a backstory: parents were abusive growing up and remain extremely toxic and over the past few years I've gone low contact. The family dynamic is really toxic and I've struggled a lot over the years. I avoid visiting or talking to them and if I do I visit once every 3-4 months (to see my younger sibling) and am planning on going NC in the future. Last time I visited I promised myself I wouldn't set foot here again as my mental health regresses back to when I was a child living under their control.

However this pandemic has meant that uni is cancelled so everyone has retreated back to their parents house and I did too as I was worried about having no food or being on my own if I became seriously ill. I thought I'd just be staying for a few days and wanted to see my siblings.

However I have been at my parents house for a few days now and my mental health is becoming increasingly worse (as it always does every time I'm here). I feel more and more terrible everyday. My parents keep insisting that it's better for me to stay at their house in this lockdown and that I won't be able to cope if I'm on my own, and in the same breath they will make really horrible remarks.

Part of me wants to escape and wonders why I keep hurting myself by staying here despite the fact I might be very lonely if I go to my uni house as nobody will be there (I become anxious if I'm on my own for too long) and the other part of me is worried that I'll run out of food or become seriously ill and die before anyone can get to me if I'm on my own Sad. I keep getting phantom symptoms (like wanting to cough but not actually having a continuous cough) and wonder if it's only a matter of time before I become seriously ill. But the thought of being locked in with my parents for the next few weeks makes me want to just... :(

Just struggling to make sense of my thoughts but also really struggling with coping here in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkin33 · 23/03/2020 22:53

Have to add that they can be nice sometimes in terms of providing physical support but I do wonder if it's worth the toll on my mental health and the sheer distress I feel when things get bad

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 23/03/2020 22:53

Yes, I think you can go to your own house. You would need to work out support systems in case you need to self-isolate - friends nearby or local volunteer groups. It sounds as though you would cope much better on your own than with your parents.

Butchyrestingface · 23/03/2020 22:54

How far away is your uni house? Do you have a car? And why did you wait until after a lockdown predicted for days was announced to think of this?

Outtedagain · 23/03/2020 22:56

Just go. It’s essential for mental health.

Frozenfan2019 · 23/03/2020 22:59

This is tough. I don't think there's a moral reason why you can't go as you will be on your own. You need to weigh up where you will be safer for three weeks. Only you know the answer.

Original poster
pumpkin33 · 23/03/2020 23:05

@butchyrestingface

I was going to go a on Saturday but I thought fuck it I'll just buckle down and put up with it for a few weeks (enough time passes without seeing them and I forget how bad it gets) but it's been a few days and already I feel terrible as is always the case. I think I was wrestling with indecision regarding what to do hence the thread

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkin33 · 23/03/2020 23:06

and it's about 1-1.5 hours away and yes I have access to a car

OP posts:
Dieu · 23/03/2020 23:07

I would go. Look after yourself OP Thanks

Dylaninthemovies1 · 23/03/2020 23:09

If you’ve got a car then go. And get to a supermarket on your way home

cornflakecritter · 23/03/2020 23:10

Absolutely go. I was raised in a house like that and I think it's different to truly understand how awful this would be unless you've been there. Go now, before you have symptoms, for example, and have to self-isolate for 14 days.

All the best OP. I hope it works out.

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2020 23:12

It's a tough one but I think you should go, OP.

My 28yr old DS has just come to stay with me in the last hour, as he doesn't want to have to be in lockdown with his flatmate.

Original poster
pumpkin33 · 23/03/2020 23:12

@dylaninthemovies1

it's my brother's car and he's offered to drop me off (he's living with us too), I really hope I won't be stopped on the way if there are 2 of us :S

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/03/2020 23:21

You won't be stopped as gatherings of two are allowed.

Plus I'm pretty sure there'll be a little bit of leeway in the first day or so, given how late Boris made the announcement.

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2020 23:22

And the fact you live together also makes it ok.

Whole families will be allowed out to exercise together, as long as they live in the same household.

Original poster
pumpkin33 · 23/03/2020 23:35

Thank you everyone Flowers (especially your understanding @cornflakecritter) it's really helped me to make a choice

I was really struggling to decide and was feeling a weird mix of helplessness, fear and guilt for leaving but the alternative (staying at my parents for the next few weeks) feels pretty unbearable, realised I'd rather feel lonely than whatever id feel here 3 weeks from now Sad

OP posts:
Duck90 · 23/03/2020 23:39

Whole families will be allowed out to exercise together, as long as they live in the same household.

I think whole families of 5 mature adults (for example) wondering around the streets should be discouraged. Generally, but not always, such an outing is unnecessary. I understand that in reference to the OP, the 2 being in car should not be a problem. And, I agree OP should go to her flat and stay there.

QuietLife18 · 23/03/2020 23:50

Your Uni should have measures in place for students who cannot go home - contact the Student Support & Wellbeing office, and check the Uni's Covid-19 webpages - there'll be info there for you to access. & maybe set up virutal meetings with your house- / course-mates to try to stop you feeling too isolated?

cornflakecritter · 23/03/2020 23:52

Glad you have decided OP. I wonder in these situations whether the feelings of helplessness, fear and guilt are actually how we feel in the 'child' role of being in these places reminds us of. Glad you have been able to protect yourself, and that your return to your student house is a peaceful time. Take care.

StoneofDestiny · 24/03/2020 01:20

Heed QuietLife18 advice

You will get food - go to supermarket or buy online.
Get lots of books to read - on line
Exercise around campus

Being alone is better than being with damaging people.

AgentJohnson · 24/03/2020 06:16

On the face of it, leave but it does mean that you need to stay put if you do go. However, It sounds like you’ll struggle wherever you are and the only reason you’re at your parents is because you struggle making and sticking to decisions.

Go but only if you’re serious about staying gone.

Frenchfancy · 24/03/2020 06:21

You are going back to your normal place of residence so I think it is ok. But go now before they tighten the restrictions further.

Casino218 · 24/03/2020 06:23

@Agent well ain't you the expert on someone else's mental state!

Yes just head home. You are entitled to be at your own home, get food, get out once a day. Take care of yourself.

lanbro · 24/03/2020 06:25

Go. I'm going to leave my house to move in with xh but first I have to close my business and my house up. I couldn't do that last night so will do today and travel to his tonight, although its not far. Stay safe

AmelieTaylor · 24/03/2020 06:27

🌷I’m sorry you got such a rough deal parent wise.

Are you 100% sure you can go back to your Uni Acc? If you are I definitely think you should go.

Would one of your siblings want to go with you? I’m sure uni would relax the rules in these circumstances, even if it wouldn't normally be allowed.

If not then see who else is around at uni & set up support for each other.

It is scary thinking about being alone if you’re really unwell, but that’s a maybe. Your mental heath is being destroyed definitely.

Buy food on the way back and get cleaning when you get back. Wash stuff you’re taking back.

I’m sorry you have this extra stress - take care!

Barbies97 · 24/03/2020 07:16

I think you should go, please let us know you've arrived safely.

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