Useless husband

[sadthewaylifeturnedout]

My husband is really good at some things- he seems to like his job, he is good at housework, DIY and he cooks & cleans.

He is bad at other things. He has no clue about our finances and he's generally bad at planning. If we have to have any work on the house done, I have to find and negotiate with the tradesmen etc. I also pay the bills, insurances etc. I am happy with this.

The issue happens when due to one reason or another I ask him to call a tradesman he will moan about it for 15 minutes and only do it if I snap at him. I asked him to go and speak to a neighbour about our garden fence and he made a million and ten excuses not to do it so I had to do it. Our broadband has stopped working (and we need it desperately as we're both working from home) and he refused to call them saying they would be closed (they weren't) so I had to call them and sit next to the router for 45 minutes. But he's happy to make me tea whilst I'm sat next to the router.

AIBU? I'm at the end of my tether.

Let him deal with the things he is comfortable with. You don't need to cook or clean, or do any DIY. It sounds like he's anxious to talk to people. You do that bit, seems 50/50 to me!

I'd be glad to have a DP who cooks, cleans and DIYs well . Just play to your respective strengths, it sounds as though the load is split fairly so why push him to do things he clearly dislikes and that you are capable of doing?

My husband is the same, he gets anxious doing that stuff so I take care of it and he does most of the housework, laundry etc.

I don’t deny it would be handy for him to do it sometimes, but it’s hard for him and not for me so I’m happy to let it all balance out.

I do most of the complicated finances. I am fine with that too.

But if my husband could not call tradesman or speak to a neighbour, I would lose respect for him.

What sort of job does your dh do that does not require him to have similar social exchange as part of his work?

@blueshoes that's precisely the issue. I'm really losing respect for him and I think I'm finding him less attractive because of it. He's quite intelligent (scientist) and also incredibly sociable. He's very much an extrovert which is why this is even more strange

Stop telling him to do things that you're capable of doing? If he's pulling his weight then what's the problem?

@CheddarGorgeous generally because sometimes I'm busy dealing with something else and it would help my workload.

Does he tell you to do stuff that you don't want to do and then get mad if you don't do it?

@CheddarGorgeous not sure he's ever told me to do a chore that I haven't done tbh!

The whole thing seems mad. He's not "useless", it sounds like he does plenty. He's not expecting you to wait on him. I would get fed up with someone who kept on asking me to do stuff they were perfectly capable of doing. What am I not getting?

What kind of chores does he give you?

I cook, clean, do DIY but I have anxiety when dealing with people, neighbours etc so I get my DH to do that bit. Someone came to pick up an item that we’d left outside earlier and I hid even though it was all arranged. He popped his head out to say hello. He understands, we are a team.

Why can’t you both play to your key strengths? My DH would never arrange anything social so it falls to me but he’s great at the financial stuff so he takes responsibility for that.

For instance- he does the cooking most days and I do the dishes. Cleaning is 50/50. I do the laundry. He does the majority of the DIY.

If he asked me to do the bulk of cleaning one weekend if he's busy, I do it.

I work significantly longer hours than him. I was in back to back meetings when I asked him to speak to the neighbour next door. He wouldn't do it so I had to run out in a 5 minute break I had to do this. All the while he was working but not on something that was time critical. He would rather delay something to the next day when I have some breathing space and I can deal with it then deal with it himself even if it's just a simple conversation. This is just one example but this happens all the time.

@Doggodogington I had never considered that it may be anxiety as he's so sociable with people he knows. I will speak to him about this and see if that is why. Thank you.

I'm really losing respect for him and I think I'm finding him less attractive because of it. He's quite intelligent (scientist) and also incredibly sociable. He's very much an extrovert which is why this is even more strange

OP, he is taking the piss. It is called Learned Helplessness. He can do it - he chooses not to. He disrespects you and your wishes.

What is he like in other ways? Do you have children?

@blueshoes he's very good at doing things he likes to do and considers 'his domain'. For instance, he's extremely possessive about the kitchen and he'll readily do all kitchen jobs. If he doesn't want to do something he'll either moan about it until I lose my temper and snap at him which will cause him to do it but with an attitude or he'll procrastinate and put it off until I do it. We don't have children.

Do you actually like each other? Do you consider yourselves well suited?

Is he a perfectionist. Does not want to do anything unless he is in control and gets a good result? Perhaps the tradesman/neighbour interaction is outside his comfort zone.

No excuse though. He is an adult and does not get to pick and choose.

Bad traits are magnified once you have children, if you are planning any. Both parents have to step up.

Maybe he has social anxiety as the things he’s not good at are all things were he needs to speak to people he doesn’t know that well

Usually I think we complement each other well. However, at times when I have a huge amount of work and a lot of 'outside work chores' I get frustrated when he won't help me out because he doesn't consider it to be his domain. I will speak to him about social anxiety as I hadn't considered that.

Social anxiety? This isn't making small talk at a dinner party. This is interaction with a specific purpose. A scientist, who presumably interacts with colleagues, should be able to handle this. Don't give him a cop out. There is nothing scary about a tradesman or neighbour.

PS one of the biggest things dh and I argue about as a couple post-kids is the division of labour and who seems to be lumped with the lion's share.

@sadthewaylifeturnedout it definitely sounds like anxiety. My dad gets it. He seems life and sole of the party but then if there a conversation that involves confrontation or even the mere possibility of challenge he’ll shy up and avoid. Cut the poor man some slack. It’s definitely anxiety.

And it’s not social anxiety it’s just anxiety generally

Wow! Some viciousness from the same people on here. Losing respect for someone over phone calls sounds pretty shitty tbh. It sounds like he does plenty and doesn’t shirk. My DH has issues phoning people and can have panic attacks doing so. He’s tried to overcome them and has phoned people when its really important, it hurt watching him go through that and he did that after I asked him. Not everyone does well with these situations. It sounds like you have jumped on the idea of losing respect, has he always done this? If you’re getting 50/50 with most jobs etc I don’t get the issue. Sounds like there’s a bigger issue at hand.