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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DH

45 replies

ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 07:56

We have 3 children and at the best of times he gets really annoyed with them easily. Especially regarding food and drink consumption, but this has escalated like crazy since they've been at home /he's been working less /food has been less reliable due to people panic buying.

They've put too much squash in their glass, they are using too much cereal. Cereal bar isn't a healthy breakfast (but he bought lucky charms and apparently that's acceptableas long as they don't have too much) too much sugar on their weerabix, don't eat this don't drink that. But it can't be that he's crazy worried as he eats and drinks as much as he fancies.

I've been up all night with our 3 year old daughter as she's got a sickness bug. He came into the room this morning, I said hi, god I'm knackered, I barely slept. Are you OK?

Before even saying good morning or anything its 'I've just had to stop DS 12 and DD 10 having 2 serial bars each, you need to back me up on this it's bloody ridiculous, there's no nutritional value.'

How can I back him up wheen I disagree with him? These are tiny cereal bars, taxis own for like 80p a pack or something. Yes weerabix or toast and egg would be better but I really don't see the problem in them having a couple of cereal bars sometimes.

It's not just that though, it's exerting they eat /drink.

If DS has a drink in DH cup, if one of them leaves something lying around he has a go at them, not just asking put really going on.

We do online food shop and anything I put in the basket is fair game, family food /drink /treats when it arrives I eat it, kids eat it, DH eats it.

However if he puts things in, if anyone eats or drinks any he's annoyed.

I'm sick of hearing all day, where is this, whose eaten the last X, it sounds so small but its making me miserable!!

He's not as bad with me it's just the kids really

Yabu = DH is right
Yanbu = I am right to be pissed off

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/03/2020 08:01

When the kids are in bed you need to have a talk.

Point out that if he wants to have a marriage and family at the end of this he better change his attitude

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:02

Please excuse all the typos I'm not awake 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:04

I try talking to him about it, but he either disagrees and that's that. Or he says he gets where I'm coming from, but nothing changes.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/03/2020 08:04

What Nanny said!

He needs to stop trying to control everything and everyone! He needs to lvie as part of a family unit, not the dictator overseeing his people!

Most of all he needs to realise the toll this is having on you, and probably the kids too!

Best of luck getting him to see it!

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:09

Thank you. I think that's the part I'm struggling with, he sees the kids as his kids who need to do as he says

Dd 10 is full of energy and enjoys school. Yesterday afternoon we were having a walk in the woods (not busy, maybe saw 3 other families but you can stay well over 2 meters away it's a big area) dd was running and making loud silly noises and dh told her to stop it as there will be other people trying to enjoy the woods and they don't want to hear that.

But then if they're noisy in the garden, other people are trying to enjoy their gardens so they can't be noisy there either, they can't win.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 23/03/2020 08:16

He sounds like a total control freak.

I wonder if some people get like that when they're in a situation where things are very uncertain? Like they're trying to control small things because having a big uncertain thing going on is making them feel vulnerable?

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:18

I'm not sure, maybe. Although he is like this generally anyway

OP posts:
startrek90 · 23/03/2020 08:19

He needs to get a grip. BTW constantly on your kids about food and how they eat it/what they eat may lead to food issues down the line. Especially as your daughter enters her teen years. Your husband needs to be fucking careful.

My sister ended up bingeing and purging because my step dad would not let up about food. She used to stuff her face when he was at work or sneak out at night and stash food in her room so she didn't eat when he was home. He was being a controlling fuckwit and it sounds like you dh is being the same.

Next time he gets something to eat give him the same treatment back. Same with shopping. Put his food in its own cupboard and that's all he can eat. If he complains tell him to get a fucking grip and pack it in.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 23/03/2020 08:19

It sounds like your husband doesn't want your children eating crap and that you don't mind. A couple of cereal bars is too much. Most cereals are too high in sugar and devoid of nutrition. Perhaps the problem is how he is going about it though?

If he has his own mug and doesn't want others to use it, I don't see a problem with that. Just explain to the DC that it's his special mug and no-one else is to use it. Better still, give everyone their own special mug.

You probably need to be on the same page about the children's nutrition. Discuss it calmly and listen to the other's point of view then come to an agreement that you stick to.

He came into the room this morning, I said hi, god I'm knackered, I barely slept. Are you OK?
Ha ha. If that is your idea of saying 'Good morning' then God help him.

Before even saying good morning or anything its 'I've just had to stop DS 12 and DD 10 having 2 serial bars each, you need to back me up on this it's bloody ridiculous, there's no nutritional value.'
It sounds like you both just started the day without the usual pleasantries and had a good whinge. Don't blame your husband for something you also do.

You are probably both over-tired and need to step back and look at how you interact with each other.

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:24

That's the thing, I let them have less crap! He buys the sugary cereals, I buy weetabix, he buys them sweets especially the little one, I don't like them having them all the time. He doesn't give them veg with their meals unless I remind him.

I said hi, I said wow I'm knackered poor dd3 was up all night, how are you?

I think that's significantly nicer than how he responded.

90% of the communication he has with the kids is to moan at them about something, and then he complains they don't listen to him.

OP posts:
startrek90 · 23/03/2020 08:28

Sounds like he is going to drive them away... Sad

You really need a come to jesus moment. If this keeps up as your kids get older they are just going to tune him out and eventually get as far away from him (and you) as possible. This has gone beyond food and he sounds like he will permanently damage his relationships with all of you if he keeps it up. Is his dad the same? If your dh is this bad now what do you think he would be like when he's older?

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 23/03/2020 08:31

dd was running and making loud silly noises and dh told her to stop it as there will be other people trying to enjoy the woods and they don't want to hear that.
I agree with your husband on this one as the woods are a natural area and others should be able to enjoy the quietness of nature.

But then if they're noisy in the garden, other people are trying to enjoy their gardens so they can't be noisy there either, they can't win.
The children should be allowed to play and let off steam in the garden though. Mmm, is it that your husband is bothered by excessive noise? Does he have sensory issues? Could it be that your children are pretty unruly and you are oblivious to it?

Do you know what his childhood was like - is he trying to emulate how he was brought up?

It does sound as if you are loggerheads a lot which needs to be resolved. Either that or you are totally incompatible.

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:35

They're not unruly but little one is a bit wild. They're good kids generally but can be hyper when cooped up.

When he plays with them is play fighting and they squeal and things and he's bloody loud just day to day talking so I don't think it's noise issues, I think it's just that they annoy him.

The woods we were at have streams, rope swings, stepping stones etc and are used often by young families so I would have thought it would be better to be being noisy there than the garden where people can't get away from it or are enjoying their garden, but I'm prepared to be wrong about it, just what I'd have thought.

OP posts:
SandyFire · 23/03/2020 08:36

Doesn’t sounds great. He’s just gonna push them away or give them food issues. If he doesn’t want them to eat cereal bars then stop buying them.

annamie · 23/03/2020 08:39

I said hi, I said wow I'm knackered poor dd3 was up all night, how are you?

You’re too nice, OP. I would have told he has no bloody right telling you he’s knackered when you were the one up with dd all night. He’s a twat.

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:40

@annamie no it was me that said I'm knackered.
First words out of his mouth were I've just had to stop bloody dd and ds having 2 cereal bars

OP posts:
Satsuma2 · 23/03/2020 08:43

No yanbu.

recycledbottle · 23/03/2020 08:44

There seems to be two problems here. Your DH seems controlling and likes to micro manage. 2 breakfast bars, sugar on weetabix, orange squash are not good foods and your DH may just have different attitudes to food than you. He is dealing with it wrong though. You seem v relaxed about food to me.

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 08:48

Honestly if he did that would be fine, but he doesn't.

He has always let them have more sweets than me, always bought more sugary cereals, doesn't give veg with meals, constantly giving 3yo little bits of his sweets and chocolate.

OP posts:
StrongMama1989 · 23/03/2020 09:00

Is he really tight with his money?? It sounds like it Hmm

Original poster
ChloeTousignant · 23/03/2020 09:02

No he's not at all! In fact he spends it as fast as her makes it (but that's not a criticism, I'm not great with money either!)

OP posts:
Badskinday · 23/03/2020 09:04

I Think having to actually be at home with their husbands has made a lot of women realise they’ve had children and married completely inappropriate men who are bad parents. This was masked by how they spent most of their week at work or out doing hobbies but now is coming to the fore. Your husband sounds horrible. YANBU

WombatStewForTea · 23/03/2020 09:12

I'd quietly make a list of everything you hear him say to the dc in a day and colour code them for positive and negative interactions. Might be a wake up call when he sees he's only said one nice thing and many negatives

BiblioX · 23/03/2020 09:50

I think Wombat has a good idea - May shock him into realising how negative he is. Nobody wants to live with someone who saps positivity from the household. Him buying lucky charms then also complaining about sugar on cereal like weetabix is so hypocritical. It sounds like the older children can’t do right for doing wrong and that’s sad and he will lose them as they get older.

OlaEliza · 23/03/2020 09:53

I'd tell him to wind his neck in or he can fuck off and live elsewhere. The nitpicking of what people eat is not acceptable and he sounds like a miserable joyless bastard to boot.