Or is DH

[ChloeTousignant]

We have 3 children and at the best of times he gets really annoyed with them easily. Especially regarding food and drink consumption, but this has escalated like crazy since they've been at home /he's been working less /food has been less reliable due to people panic buying.

They've put too much squash in their glass, they are using too much cereal. Cereal bar isn't a healthy breakfast (but he bought lucky charms and apparently that's acceptableas long as they don't have too much) too much sugar on their weerabix, don't eat this don't drink that. But it can't be that he's crazy worried as he eats and drinks as much as he fancies.

I've been up all night with our 3 year old daughter as she's got a sickness bug. He came into the room this morning, I said hi, god I'm knackered, I barely slept. Are you OK?

Before even saying good morning or anything its 'I've just had to stop DS 12 and DD 10 having 2 serial bars each, you need to back me up on this it's bloody ridiculous, there's no nutritional value.'

How can I back him up wheen I disagree with him? These are tiny cereal bars, taxis own for like 80p a pack or something. Yes weerabix or toast and egg would be better but I really don't see the problem in them having a couple of cereal bars sometimes.

It's not just that though, it's exerting they eat /drink.

If DS has a drink in DH cup, if one of them leaves something lying around he has a go at them, not just asking put really going on.

We do online food shop and anything I put in the basket is fair game, family food /drink /treats when it arrives I eat it, kids eat it, DH eats it.

However if he puts things in, if anyone eats or drinks any he's annoyed.

I'm sick of hearing all day, where is this, whose eaten the last X, it sounds so small but its making me miserable!!

He's not as bad with me it's just the kids really

Yabu = DH is right
Yanbu = I am right to be pissed off

Oh god, being told off for making a noise in the woods reminds me of my own childhood. I am very low contact with my father for his controlling behaviour. As a PP said, sounds like every interaction is negative, no positives. If he wants a relationship like I have with my parents then tell him to crack on. I’m 52 BTW and reading these posts still make me shudder

He's a twat and a shit dad

YANBU OP it’s a bit rich that he criticises for having cereal bars and harps on about nutrition when you’ve said he’s more likely to get them sugary cereals, sweets etc

If he’s concerned that they aren’t getting a good breakfast can’t he make them something? Wombat has a good idea in illustrating how many negative interactions he has with your DC in a day.

I see you’ve updated that you have discussed this before - has he ever tried to explore why this bothers him at all? I often have to challenge my DH to think about why he gets wound up about certain things. When he does that we then have a second discussion about his reasons and try to go from there and oftentimes it works better than just telling him.

He sounds controlling - you say he’s not so bad with you, but I challenge that as it’s you who has to listen to his constant griping as well and I imagine you’re often having to play peacekeeper? That’s not a good place to be in and he needs to understand sharpish that’s putting a huge strain on you as well as your DC.

Gosh that really resonates when you say about being peacekeeper. That's how I feel most of the time :(

He doesn’t sound very nice at all

Being in the woods is the perfect place to let off steam. Scream, jump, run about like a loon! It’s what it’s for

And the food? He needs to calm the fuck down. He is going to give to your dd an eating disorder

My father was like that when I was a child and I am totally non contact with him and have been for many years now.

Nothing my sister and I did was ever good enough. We were both well behaved kids (as were frightened of him) but he'd always find something to tell us off about.

I remember being on holiday once in a swimming pool and my dad suddenly hailing me out as I'd accidently knocked into someone whilst swimming. I'd get told off as we walked along for walking too slowly/fast, having a miserable look on my face, have a 'far too happy' look on my face, supposedly shuffling my feet. No matter what I did, it was wrong!

My father is a bully and it sounds to me as though your husband is too.

Its a horrible position to be in, you shouldn’t have to be appeasing his temper and keeping your DC happy at the same time, it puts all the burden on you emotionally to have to manage all sides.

If he’s usually a reasonable man about other aspects of your relationship I hope having a good and factual conversation about the issues will help.

When he says ‘you need to back me up’ - well that’s all fine but when does he back you up? Ideally parents should be a united front for their DC (but it’s easier said than done when ego gets in the way!) but how often does he amend his approach in order to back you up? Why should it fall to you? These are questions I have had to ask myself in the past with relationships and a couple of times with my DH.

When he says he understands where you’re coming from, does he say it rather quickly into the conversation? Do you actually feel like he has heard what you’ve had to say or is he using this phrase to appease you in the moment?

I had to adopt a phrase with my DH early days, something along the lines of ‘if you do understand then you need to show that you do. Saying it over and over again without attempts to actually improve makes it redundant - I need to SEE that you understand.’

Also there are some things that aren’t too unreasonable- wanting his own mug to be left alone - fine, wanting the DC to not get too rowdy when out and about, fair enough (but he needs to find a different approach to communicating this with your DC). The food issues however, not fine.

I tend to write out all my feelings of frustration in bulletpoints, then go through it and choose the most pressing issues to discuss and I do my absolute best to keep the conversations neutral because most people will shut down in defence if they sense they are being criticised (IYSWIM) and that doesn’t help to have a productive conversation.

It puts a lot on your shoulders though, I often feel annoyed that I’m the one who has to take this approach when my DH is having tantrums. But that being said he’s adopted this approach when he has to raise issues with me as I’m probably a lot more bull headed and defensive than he is!

He's not a shit dad, he's a big gamer and will play computer games with them and talk to them about it and teach them, and he's into manga so will talk to them about that as the older ones are interested.

But that's more or less where the positive communication ends. He's better with the little one, I think he struggles with the older ones becoming their own person and not just being supposed to do what he says like when they were small.

I think that's also right that it's not necessarily the point but how he raises it. So for eg dd knocked a couple of plastic bottles of the side that were to be taken out to recycling, and she didn't pick them up. Where I would have said can you pick those up please, if you make a mess make sure you tidy it up. He says, pick those bottles up!! For god sake you're so messy, every time you make a mess you leave it, why can't you just pick up after yourself. Seriously I don't want to have to tell you again... And so it goes on, not just that but every thing they do.

And i wouldn't mind but he's always leaving his clothes on the floor, packets lying about, cups not in the kitchen. It's do as I say not as I do.

... you need to back me up on this it's bloody ridiculous...

He seems annoyed that (1) the children don't automatically know what he wants and he has to tell or "stop" them and (2) you "let" the children do things he doesn't want them to. But as you said - YOU can't even follow his logic, so how could they? They may be confused that their dad is suddenly having a fit about all kinds of commonplace things they've done for years.

Household rules may need to change because of what's going on. Most children can understand that and adjust. But they need clear, reasonable rules that you and your H agree on and are consistent about and communicate clearly to them, in advance (not after they do something "wrong"). E.g., it's not reasonable to expect that there are NEVER any used glasses on the countertop or toys lying around - but it is reasonable to make a rule that everything gets cleaned up and put away by bedtime.

As for the portion control stuff - he has to tell you what the issue is (for example, is he concerned about running out of food? Or does he think the children are unhealthy/overweight - and if, so, are they? Are they taking too much and not finishing it, and he finds it wasteful? etc.) so you can decide together how to handle it. I don't fancy his chances of teaching a 12yo what's an appropriate amount of squash to put in a glass, especially if he's not willing to apply similar portion control to himself!

I have two DD aged 19 and 21. My husband is like this and always has been. Moans about noise, moans about tidiness. Always getting on their cases about something or other. Neither of them like him very much now due to how controlling he can be. The older one has said that once she can afford to leave home she won't ever come back to visit him, and I don't blame her. This will be your DCs in years to come if he doesn't learn to tolerate them and communicate more effectively with them.

The apologists are out in force, I see.

He can't be on their case about what they eat while stuffing whatever he likes down his neck. And constantly berating them is not on, despite what 'his issue' may be.

You don’t seem to understand what a good father is. Playing video games as he likes them and talking to his children about video games as he likes them does not a good father make!! In fact it seems like the absolute bare minimum of parenting and the rest of the time he’s awful.. your standards seem very low.

He's going to give them eating disorders... most likely binge eating and they'll become obese because they think they have to eat when they can and worry about the next meal.

He's an arsehole.

He did set them up doing work from school today as I had lots of things planned but I was looking after little one in bed poorly. Although I'm not sure if that was because he knew I was pissed off with him.

He also does make dinner often and wash up.

It's the communication side of things generally. I guess it's easier to ignore when he's out of the house for long days

Have a talk with him he hates them eating cereal bars that's fine we wont buy any more and the same goes for lucky charms weetabix and sugar is ok but not half the pack of sugar just a teaspoon will do if he wants the kids to eat eggs and toast he can cook measure the cereal before eating? That's fine he can do that too the phrase I will leave that to you to sort out then

He sounds like he has control issues. Obviously he is also a hypocrite regarding his food choices but he is right that two cereal bears each is ridiculous. They're practically just sugar and if you're eating TWO you're surely quite hungry and should have just made something to eat, it's just laziness really. If food is hard to get hold of you'd think it was prudent to ration it to an extent (not as far as he is taking it).

Doesn't alter the fact that he sounds awful to live with though.

Sounds like this is going to be a very long isolation period for you OP

Ok, he's not a shit day then look at the people on here explaining how they feel now having been brought up in similar homes.... Will be interesting to see what your children say in 15/20 years....

My dad was like this. It made me have the opposite affect and as soon as I earned my own money I went crazy with snacks, crisps chocolate etc and became addicted.

He needs to understand it has the opposite affect and it's very controlling and unhealthy.

I have such bad memories of my childhood and I hate it. My dad was a bit more extreme by the sound of it. Up until I moved out at 18 whenever I left the house I had to show him what was in my bag. Even when staying over at my boyfriends where my underwear and everything would be in the bag. Just to make sure I wasn't taking food I wasnt allowed.

My DH has described episodes similar to this with FIL as he grew up. He and his brother constantly told off and shouted at for normal childish behaviour, expected to 'sit quietly'. Food intake monitored and controlled. MIL tried to be peacekeeper but capitulated and I've witnessed her now (aged 72!!) being told off for being 'silly'.

As a result we are v low contact with them and DH admitted that lockdown is great as he doesn't need to see them

FIL also has good qualities but my DH has been left with many issues relating to this. I'm not saying this is the case with you but it sounds like you need a very direct conversation about this. Not just about an individual example but a clear pattern of potentially damaging behaviour.