To just leave my Nan to it?

[Toddlertown]

Truth is, I don’t like my Nan as a person much. She only lives along the road but I see her maybe once a month at best, because I find her difficult. She’s one of those people who says she just ‘tells it how it is.’ Which basically means, she’s rude.

With the self isolation going on I have grabbed her some bits whilst shopping & tonight I FaceTimed her with the kids to see how she was getting on because she’s alone.

She told my lovely DH he was ‘fatter than the last time she saw him.’ She will always disguise it as caring or concern, but actually I am getting sick of excusing this behaviour just because she’s my Nan.

She frequently makes me feel bad, whether it be about my parenting, my own appearance, our house etc. She always has a little tip on how to improve ourselves/our circumstances/family.

I’m perfectly happy with my life & do not ask for her input!

So WIBU to just leave her to get on with it now, even under these circumstances? I feel really guilty & I know I’ll be the bad one when all is said & done, but I’m not sure I can take much more.

No, now isn’t the time to cut contact. Just ask her to message you if she needs help and phone her every week.

How old is she?

YABU because if she's over 70 she's at high risk and if she becomes ill will be a strain on the NHS.

Here's my rule of thumb. If the worst happened, and she died, would you be entirely comfortable with yourself and your actions?

She is over 70, just. She won’t leave the house, she has had heart surgery previously so is high risk. A neighbour is helping her out, as well as me.

I know IABU tbh, I’m just angry at her.

Just end the facetime if she's a cow, but keep getting her shopping. She deserves help but that doesn't mean she has carte blanche to be awful.

Help her with her shopping, don't leave her to fend for herself but perhaps cut down on the facetiming.

@Darbs76 good plan. WIBU to ignore her calls, & text is everything ok half hour later? 😬 Once I answer I can’t get her off the phone for ages.

Terrible time to even be considering this. Keep helping her so no extra pressure is put onto the already stretched nhs to do it instead.

Is your mum/dad around to help her?

If not a weekly phone call to check in and dropping food at the doorstep is all you need to do. If she is rude, don't rise to it, ignore. You can disown her once this is over.

Call and don't FaceTime and tell her why!

She’s rude, yes. Is now the time to address this and cut her off? No

Yes, you’re all right. I’ll continue checking what she needs & dropping things around. Will text to check she’s ok, but other than that I’m stepping back. If she asks why, I’ll tell her. Although I have already had that conversation with her in the past, she doesn’t seem to think she ever does anything wrong.

Check up on her by phone and pick up any bits for her but don’t FaceTime her again and if she starts being rude on the phone hang up and pretend your signal went. Or tell her she’s being a rude twat and then hang up.

The above is how I deal with my mother by the way. I live far away from her thank god but while I usually avoid her like the plague (ironically) I am now checking up on her a couple of times a week on the phone. But if she’s being a rude fanny I tell her so just I did before all this.

When she says that sort of thing say, “that’s really rude Nan. I have to go now, I’ll talk to you tomorrow”. She’ll get the message.

I did tell her that was rude tonight, she said ‘it’s not rude!’ DH said... ‘it is a bit rude!’ She said well I would want people to tell me if I was getting fat. For the record... she is fat. But we wouldn’t say that because we are not... rude!

But yes, next time nan that’s really rude I’m going now. Hopefully she’ll get the hint because 71 years isn’t enough time to learn social skills apparently.

I really hope I don't offend anyone with what may be perceived of a gross generalisation, but when my mother was in her 70's, it was a very 'challenging' time for us, in terms of what she thought she had the right to say, and would say.

I'm enjoying the 80's a lot more. . .

She sounds horrific. Do the bare minimum to keep her alive and no more. Nasty piece of work.

Ah yes, the “just telling it like it is” waiver.My Mum uses it, or “I’m very direct” . Just code for rude. I tell Mum that she doesn’t have to voice every nasty thought that she has, and what makes her think her opinions are wanted all the time?

Isn’t it so annoying? ‘I just say it how it is’

Oh you’re so brave & out spoken, nothing but honest.

Shut the f up & have some manners!!! Be nice!?

😂😂 thank you @pembsgirl

What Pembsgirl said! Word for word.

I don't know what it is with people when they get older and start saying things like this

If the elderly person has always been like this then it is just their nasty personality and Tbh I would have gone lc years ago.

personality changes can be brought on by Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia. If a previously kind elderly person becomes rude and critical I personally would assume it was dementia related and not take it to heart, be unkind or stop visiting.

Oh look, yet another ageist thread.

Ok course, no one under 70 is every rude or makes hurtful remarks.

If your older relation is a knob, chances are they were a knob when they were young.