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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single parent and single person......there’s a difference!

44 replies

Uber1 · 22/03/2020 14:15

What with all of this coronavirus and some people I know trying to prove they’re a key worker, some are now saying they’re a single parent key worker when in truth they’re neither. AIBU to think that if your child’s father is still in their life, provides financially, takes care of them whilst you go to work or on a night out with friends, comes by your house regularly and does odd jobs for you, and in some cases still goes on holiday with and you carry on pretty much as couple except for the fact you happen to live in separate houses, then you are NOT a single parent, you’re a single person.

I have friends who raise their children completely alone and their children’s father aren’t in their lives and I have friends who’s father’s are in their children’s life’s but aren’t on tap to mind them so their mum can go to work or out a night out. To me this is a single parent.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 22/03/2020 14:23

YABU...They are still single parents

Vinylsamso · 22/03/2020 14:27

Single parents when people want to slag us off and stereotype us though arnt we!?

LittleLittleLittle · 22/03/2020 14:30

you carry on pretty much as couple

They aren't carrying on pretty much as a couple.

Couples care for each other rather than care just for the children.

Original poster
Uber1 · 22/03/2020 14:30

I’m not slagging single parents off. I Just can’t understand how people I know are trying to not only blag they’re a key worker so that their kids can go to school but then to add on the end of that they’re a single parent just to make out they’re more in need.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 22/03/2020 14:32

YABU. This kind of divisive stuff helps nobody.

Single parenting is tough; in your head it might be easier if you have a positive relationship with your Ex and they help out from time to time, but that doesn't undermine the single-parent-ness of the situation however you want to dress it up.

Original poster
Uber1 · 22/03/2020 14:33

Some single parents may still care for each other and that’s great if they can get on especially for their children. However if you’re partner is still doing for you for example pretty much what my long term partner and father of my kids does for me (intimacy aside of course) then you’re co-parenting your kids which surely means you’re a single person and not a single parent?

OP posts:
AnotherDingle · 22/03/2020 14:34

In my head I think of it like this:

Single parent - totally alone no other parent

Co- parent - single but the other parent had contact/pays money etc

Parent - in a relationship/living with the other parent

HOWEVER the way you have described ‘single people’ is, I think, very rare and a lot of co-parents (as I think of them) absolutely do not have that level of support from their co-parent and are almost single parents except for a few days ‘off’.

Also, some, as I described them, parents’ also feel like they are similar to single parents as despite living with their parents they do all of the parenting, some receive no financial support etc.

So basically I think anyone can put specific parents into ‘boxes’, it’s actually more of a sliding scale and each parent will feel they fit onto it at a certain point. So from ‘child never sees other parent, no money is given’ to others parent fully involved, parenting financially, physically and mentally is split 50/50’ and it doesn’t matter where that other parent lives. And then there’s a lot of variations in between.

x2boys · 22/03/2020 14:37

Frankly I don't know why people are trying to bend the rules ,why people want their kids to go to school.unless they absolutely have too, I saw a Facebook friend whose husband is a,GP and she is mainly a SAHM saying whilst she can keep her kids at home as she's at home she could push it so they could go to school Hmm

Original poster
Uber1 · 22/03/2020 14:39

That’s actually a good way of putting things @AnotherDingle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uber1 · 22/03/2020 14:40

I suppose some will always try and bend the rules to suit them. Most will be sensible though I think.

OP posts:
GenxfeellikeaBoomer · 22/03/2020 14:42

ofgs, they're not both there in the house at the same time.

It's like lord of the flies on here today.

AnotherDingle · 22/03/2020 14:43

I do 100% agree though, that no matter the rules and if you agree, in this situation no one should be trying to break them: it’s important we do everything we can to stop more people getting sick/dying.

ellendegeneres · 22/03/2020 15:18

I’m both a single parent and a coparent. Different kids. I definitely have it easier with the coparent side. But if someone asks I’m a single parent. I do it all myself. I don’t have someone to say hey take the kids so I can shower. I don’t have someone to leave the kids with so I can nip to Tesco.
But for dc2 we coparent well and I never underestimate how lucky I am for that because dc1 is such a different situation

raspberryk · 22/03/2020 15:49

Haha you can tell you haven't been a single parent.
My ex has the kids every other weekend these days, but when he arranges other stuff, work, stag do's, holidays, his car breaks down he just doesn't pick them up and leaves them with me by default. He has a job which means he can't pick them up on time on his weekends. I don't get those luxuries. When he doesn't pay CM because of whatever reason, i.e. left his job to work cash in hand, took unpaid paternity leave, had a gap between jobs. Do I get the choice to not provide for my kids?
I'm a single parent. You know what? Even though I have a new partner those kids are still 100% my responsibility, guess who's going to be home schooling my children this week? Me. Because there's no way on earth their dad would even consider working from home, and it's not my boyfriend's responsibility to have anything to do with raising children who aren't his.
Yabvvvu.

Vulpine · 22/03/2020 15:54

If you have to keep a roof over you and tour family's head, pay your own Bill's and mortgage without anyone elses help then you are a single parent regardless

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/03/2020 15:58

YABU. I'm a parent and I'm single. Lone parent is the term I use for a parent that has no input from the other parent whatsoever.

I'm not a key worker so makes no difference but even if I was, then my ex would not take over the entirety of the childcare so I could work, as he lives in a separate home and needs to work himself to pay his own household bills.

Northernwarrior · 22/03/2020 16:00

Unless it is absolutely essential why would you even consider sending to school. Even NHS staff should be considering other ways first. This is madness.

1Micem0use · 22/03/2020 16:20

Interesting. My babys father sees him over video call, and since hes been born has contributed 110 pounds towards his upkeep. He says he means to give me an amount that works for him each month. He lives and works in another continent.
I'd consider myself a single parent. I certainly am one by law. It's just me on the birth certificate.
You could stretch and say we are co parenting, but that's such a stretch you might as well call it yoga.

Theresnobslikeshowb · 22/03/2020 16:21

I have always co-parented with both my sons dads. Have a brilliant relationship with them and their families.

However I am a single parent, as there isn’t someone else there to manage the homework, ask to run to the shop, be there when they wake up with a nightmare, rub their back at 3am when they are being sick, help when you are trying to be a cleaner/cook/teacher/IT expert/taxi driver at the same time. There isn’t that person that you can cuddle in bed and say ‘I had a shit day and I’m worried because dc said this to me today’.

BilboBercow · 22/03/2020 16:31

My daughters dad sees her regularly and pays for her. He also does occasional favours for me when he's in the mood.
I can assure you he won't be stopping work so I can continue to do so. As far as he's concerned childcare during working hours is my issue. If you'd like to explain to me how I force him to do so I'd be delighted to hear it.

AgentJohnson · 22/03/2020 16:32

Dear God! My Ex is absent from DD’s lives but quibbling over semantics is pointless.

IndecentFeminist · 22/03/2020 16:47

They are a single parent if there isn't another parent in the house to step in if a key worker needs to work. Hardly rocket science.

March20 · 10/04/2020 23:08

@Northernwarrior a lot of NHS staff work 13hour shifts! Let’s be realistic if your friend asked you to baby sit you may say yes but let’s face it you aren’t going to do it day in day out... some people aren’t as lucky as others to have a big support network.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2020 23:16

Talk about goady 🙄

PumpkinP · 10/04/2020 23:22

I see what the op is saying to an extent. I’m a lone parent, my ex is fully absent and has been for years, no maintenance either. Whereas some single parents have 50/50 and get hundreds in maintenance. I always refer to myself as a lone parent though rather than a single parent as I think the two are very very different. Having an active ex who pays maintenance is very different to one that has disappeared and doesn’t pay a penny either.

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