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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single parent and single person......there’s a difference!

44 replies

Uber1 · 22/03/2020 14:15

What with all of this coronavirus and some people I know trying to prove they’re a key worker, some are now saying they’re a single parent key worker when in truth they’re neither. AIBU to think that if your child’s father is still in their life, provides financially, takes care of them whilst you go to work or on a night out with friends, comes by your house regularly and does odd jobs for you, and in some cases still goes on holiday with and you carry on pretty much as couple except for the fact you happen to live in separate houses, then you are NOT a single parent, you’re a single person.

I have friends who raise their children completely alone and their children’s father aren’t in their lives and I have friends who’s father’s are in their children’s life’s but aren’t on tap to mind them so their mum can go to work or out a night out. To me this is a single parent.

OP posts:

flumposie · 10/04/2020 23:26

Yabu.

caradelvigna · 10/04/2020 23:27

YABU. It annoys me when people claim to be lone parents when they aren't though.

March20 · 10/04/2020 23:36

I have never actually thought of lone & single parent. In my mind though they are the same definition it just all circumstances are different. I’m a single parent and my ex looks after our child x2 a week so I can work 2 nights and 1 full weekend a month. Sounds lovely but you never know what goes on behind closed doors I’ve had to go on sick as when ever he feels like it he can cancel at any time. I get regular payments which of course helps. But if I’m poorly I’m the sole carer or if my child is ever in hospital it has only been me at the bedside! Extra activities are my responsibility to organise birthday parties ECT. You just cannot assume.

OhioOhioOhio · 10/04/2020 23:38

What category an I then?

I have an abusive xh.
He never saw the kids until I threw him out.
He gives me money but not as much as he should.
He regularly changes the amount he gives me without warning.
The kids need bribed to go.
They're a mess when they come back.
There's is police involvement.
He doesn't reply to my texts.
I know nothing of what my kids do when they are with him.

Yet. I coparent with him?
Ffs.

LunchBoxPolice · 10/04/2020 23:40

They are single. They are a parent.
They are a single parent.

vodkaredbullgirl · 10/04/2020 23:41

Im a single parent to adult children and have been for over 10 yrs. Ex hasnt seen them for 6 yrs.

Scarlettpixie · 11/04/2020 08:16

Its just semantics. Everyones circumstances are different.

It is not a competition about who struggles the most. Some people who co-parent might have it much harder than someone who has no contact with the other parent. Some people have a big network of support from extended family. Some have none,

I am separated (so not even ‘single’ yet). My son sees his dad (who now lives with OW) at my house. He doesn’t go to his dads or stay over. DS lives with me full time. His dad pays no maintenance. All responsibility falls to me although his dad spends time with him here after school or in the holidays while I work. If I am off he sees much less of him. He occasionally comes over so I can have a night out. We get on reasonably in the circumstances although I am less anxious now he is staying away due to lock down. I have no other support btw, no siblings or grandparents.

Do I qualify as a single parent OP? Oh wait, I don’t actually care what you think. I feel like a single parent so that is what I will call myself if it crops up.

SuperMumTum · 11/04/2020 08:32

Goady AF.

BanginChoons · 11/04/2020 09:06

My children's Dad normally sees them one day a fortnight. He doesn't pay maintenance and hasn't seen them since the CV19 pandemic began as he has a health condition which puts him at increased risk (he continues to see his girlfriend who is a health care assistant.. go figure).

I am a health care professional, live at home with my children, and am continuing to work. The rules around mixing of households means I cannot ask friends to help.
Do I have permission from people on this thread to send them to school please?

Sotiredofthislife · 11/04/2020 09:14

Seriously, OP? The world’s gone to fuck and you still find time to have a pop at single parents not being quite single enough for you? Have a fucking word with yourself.

Schmoana · 11/04/2020 09:20

I would also describe myself as a single parent.

I have a boyfriend but we live apart and he has no responsibility for my kids. So I am not single but still think I’m a single parent.

My ex pays well and regularly. But the share of time is 90/10 and when he feels like it - rarely at weekends - very little notice. I always have to assume I have/do everything for the kids, then when he asks to have them, I change plans.

He is an interested dad, when he sees them he does well with them, but I do not believe “co-parent” is an accurate reflection, as I am 100% the default parent.

(I realise I’m very lucky compared to many).

Poppi89 · 11/04/2020 09:41

I know what you mean. I am a single parent as in the other parent has no involvement at all. I know lots of women who have the majority of responsibility and say they're single parents, which is fine.

What I do get annoyed/jealous about is when mums who have 50/50 responsibility or dads who only see their kids on weekends call themselves single parents - yes in theory they are but can be frustrating eg. a guy I was dating had previously dated a 'single mother' who could spend a week away with him because the child would be at the dads so why I can't I do that.

emilybrontescorsett · 11/04/2020 09:52

You could apply this to all scenarios though.
Some people do not know the meaning of hard work.
They have parents and in laws who do all their child care for free whilst they go out to work.
They are given money, given cars , given free holidays etc etc.
Others don't have this. They have to work hard and pay for everything.
If someone wants to screw the system and send their kids to school whilst the kids have 2 parents who aren't both key workers what can you do?
It's because of people not sticking to the rules why we will all suffer longer.
More places will close. It sucks but I can't get worked up about someone's relationship with their ex.

mumsie2020 · 11/04/2020 12:48

Co parenting, bi parental care.
Maybe a it beyond your small mind

funinthesun19 · 11/04/2020 12:53

I always though single parent/single person could fall in to the same category really.

I’m both- I’m a parent who is single.

I think lone parent has different connotations though. Like you’re on your own with no contact from the other parent.

That’s just my take on it anyway. I’m sure someone will be offended by it soon.

DivGirl · 11/04/2020 12:55

Am I allowed to call myself a single parent? I have a great relationship with my ex, we phone him most days, send him regular cards and letters. He pays the legal minimum which is split in half between me and his other ex, but he never misses a payment. I make all decisions, but can use him as a sounding board (his response is always "do what you think is best"). He has never had our son overnight or during the day for more than an hour, and lives 300 miles away.

Do I meet your criteria? Am I single enough for you?

flirtygirl · 11/04/2020 12:59

No you are wrong I think you are looking for the distinction between
a) single parent, ie may have help and ex may pay and may be a co parent but they are still a single parent.

b) lone parent, no other parent to co parent or help out or help financially and these are lone parents.

flirtygirl · 11/04/2020 13:02

funinthesun19

I always though single parent/single person could fall in to the same category really.

I’m both- I’m a parent who is single.

I think lone parent has different connotations though. Like you’re on your own with no contact from the other parent.

That’s just my take on it anyway. I’m sure someone will be offended by it soon

Funinthesun has it. 100% agreed.

CollaborativeBee · 11/04/2020 13:54

Yes I agree. Im both.

For no logical reason, i feel that the stigma lessens as your children get older.

I read a post on fb a while ago and it was a shout out to single parents especially widows.

There is still that attitude that widows are worthy of support andcadmiration for doing it alone. Single mothers, less so. Divorcéés, less so.

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