Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To expect MIL to ASK me before taking my new baby out for a walk?

65 replies

ChubbyScotsBurd · 10/09/2007 12:29

OK, maybe IABU because MIL (who bought us an all-singing-and-dancing pram despite being told my Mum was going to get us one) has been staying this week and has been helpful because LO has been really colicky and it would have been tough had I been on my own. BUT the other day she said 'right, I'm going to the shops' and put my 7 week old baby in what she evidently views as HER pram and then left! He's never been away from me before, except with his dad. And he was crying when she got back (an hour later, I was almost in tears too by this point) and apparently had cried most of the time she was out. I'm not into leaving newborn babies to cry for any length of time so this upset me a lot.

Today I'm waiting for a workman to arrive so as soon as LO had finished his feed she said she was off out again and took him with her, knowing I couldn't come. I don't want bad feeling and she's very sensible and she's been a real help and she's also going home tomorrow [yay] so I won't say anything but I just needed a rant because if she'd just asked I'd have felt so much better. Hate that someone's strutting round with my baby as if he belongs to her, and I feel all possessive and maternal and stuff. I guess I just needed an unreasonable rant. Grrr.

She's just called to say she's bringing lunch back, god I'm such a bitch.

OP posts:

kindersurprise · 10/09/2007 13:01

Yes, YABU, but I felt exactly the same when my parents took my PFB out for a walk for the first time. I cried too, poor DH didn't know what to do!

The way you feel about your baby - that is the way your MIL felt about her son, your DH all those years ago. And she has similar feelings towards her grandchild. She is not going to harm him.

If she is going to be around a lot, then you should talk to her and tell her that it upsets you when she takes DS out without consulting you. If she lives further away, then I would let it go. And just enjoy the fact that you get a break occasionally.

NoBiggy · 10/09/2007 13:01

If she's anything like my MIL, then YANBU. She always goes on about how much she does for people but she does it for herself, so she can tell people how helpful she is.

Is she like that?

Can't imagine how it would be helpful to steal my child and make me anxious. Get the shopping in and do the hoovering. That's help.

LilianGish · 10/09/2007 13:14

"Can I just add that my own Mum wouldn't do anything without asking me, and anything she did do would be done MY way." That is the root of the MIL problem imo - your mum does things your way (actually it's probably the other way round). MIL is doing things her way - and if she was your mum it wouldn't be such a problem because then it would be your way too iyswim. I really sympathise. YANBU. I often feel exactly the same frustration with my MIL and it was especially bad when the dcs were babies. I think the problem is compounded by the fact that we live abroad so she has to stay with us - I'm sure it would be much easier if I could just see her for a few hours at a time. I cope with it by telling myself she doesn't have a daughter of her own so has to put up with being number 2 granny for both son's children and try to imagine what I will be like if ds has children one day. Grit your teeth - and know that you are not alone.

LilianGish · 10/09/2007 13:17

Sorry, misplaced apostrophe - should be sons'. (Don't want to be hanged by the pedants!!)

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 10/09/2007 13:22

am i the only one who siashes someone would've taken their DC out for a one hour+ walk when they were tiny once i na while? just for a break and to drink a cup of tea in a moments peace?

persoanlly CSB i think you are having a case of 'the hormones' anmd you MIl sounds perfectly nice to me. I think its nice of her to want to spend some time alone with her grandchild, my own grandparents never took an interest in us at all.

cornsilk · 10/09/2007 13:26

She probably thinks she's being helpful by taking him out - giving you a break. But I remember the feeling of being parted from your new baby, it's not nice. Once at a christening, 2 old women who I didn't know, took ds2 to cuddle and wouldn't give him back till we went home! I think YANBU, but I don't think you should be too hard on MIL either!

MrsFogi · 10/09/2007 13:26

I'd have been very annoyed if MIL or anyone else took my baby out without asking and then to find out they had cried most of the time.

WaynettaVonSlob · 10/09/2007 13:27

I'm with your Misdee - DS2 had collic and I would have PAID someone to take him out for an hour.....and bring me back lunch!!!!

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 10/09/2007 13:28

i mean peoople did take them off me for a while, but usually its because i was busy doing something.

oh to poo in peace...

Beenleigh · 10/09/2007 13:31

Not a bitch, I was exactly the same, and although a little more relaxed with second baby, I still would not be happy with anyone taking my new born baby away from me for any reason, least of all without asking. You need to talk to her. Everyone's different, but I couldn;t do it, and didn;t see why I should just to make my old bag of a MIL happy!

MrsBadger · 10/09/2007 13:34

dd is 3wks, I am considering this carefully and am torn

part of me says, like LadyV, that dd would wail just as much even if she was at home with me and would be gibberingly grateful if anyone else took charge of the tiny raging bundle for an hour.

another part says 'if you want to help, let me take dd out while you do the hoovering, empty the dishwasher and get some laundry on.'

another, less rational part, says 'MY BABY. MINE. Get your hands off her you mad old bat.'

hmm. Not much help there, sorry.

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 10/09/2007 13:36

lol MrsB,. i think if i had #4 that would be how i would be as well.

but i think by child #4, everyone is a lot more relaxed.

Beenleigh · 10/09/2007 13:40

The only important thing is how it makes you feel, and if it makes you unhappy, then don;t let her. It's your call, and you need to follow your heart.

HonoriaGlossop · 10/09/2007 13:47

YABU. She thinks she is doing you a favour and being a fantastic MIL and granny. She can't know you don't want this unless you tell her! She is not a mind reader!

If you don't want her to take the baby you need to say "I don't want you to take the baby!"

Anna8888 · 10/09/2007 13:53

She ought to ask you

But she also sounds pretty helpful, so perhaps, after she has left, you could write her a letter which would be about 95% thanks for all her help and 5% a little tiny request worded as diplomatically as possible saying that you felt terribly emotional being separated from your baby and if she takes your baby out again could she please be contactable by mobile phone? Just to introduce the idea that she can't just take him out as and when she pleases. And then next time she comes, lay down the ground rules that she has to ask and be contactable - but you will have prepared some ground in advance for having the conversation face-to-face?

Beenleigh · 10/09/2007 13:59

DON'T WRITE ANYTHING DOWN, IT WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU!!!

HonoriaGlossop · 10/09/2007 14:01

I agree, I think a letter is too formal for this situation. Better dealt with at the time, as in "No, don't take the baby, I'd rather not this time".

Anna8888 · 10/09/2007 14:03

I'm assuming the OP would be writing a letter of thanks anyway...

quint · 10/09/2007 14:06

Difficult to comment on without knowing what she is like as a person (ie helpful or devious!)

I would probably say though that she thought she was being helpful, however whilst you need to let her know that you have really appreciated all her help and you couldn't have done it without her etc etc, you would like to spend time with your baby and you will take him out for some fresh air later.

Set some ground rules now so that you will continue to have a good relationship, otherwise whats eating you now will only get worse as time goes on until one of you says something they regret.

francagoestohollywood · 10/09/2007 14:12

I must have been the only mnetter who was keen to pass on her babies to whoever was keen to cuddle/walk/wind/burp them. Of course I got all apprehensive when my mum/mil/dh took them for a walk (in case an earthquake would swallow them, or anything similar) but I was quite grateful. I think your Mil should have asked. I think hormones play tricks, and I don't think there's nothing wrong about being clingy, but she was trying to help... agree on setting some ground rules.

HonoriaGlossop · 10/09/2007 14:14

Yes, Anna see what you mean, letter of thanks sounds in order but I think best not to mention anything further. Maybe I am just paranoid but I don't think it would go down well, no matter HOW diplomatically worded......

seanbon · 10/09/2007 14:17

i could have written this post about my SIL with my dd. she is nice person but always had to hold the baby whenever she was in the same room as them, telling me to relax. I know she meant well but if people really want to help they should make the tea or hang out the washing.i had lots of those moments when i was screaming SHES MY BABY GO GET YOUR OWN!!!!!!!!(in my head of course)

Anna8888 · 10/09/2007 14:18

I agree that there are risks in mentioning it.

But perhaps there is another way of dropping a tiny, inoffensively worded hint before "next time"? To prepare the ground? I'm a great one for planting seeds of ideas and then watering them like crazy... Because I think it's really difficult to say to a MIL "These are the ground rules".

krang · 10/09/2007 14:19

If I were you, I'd leave it. She's not harming your baby in any way.

A few weeks after having a baby you are still not really in your right mind. Honestly. You may well look back in a year's time and wonder what on earth you were thinking. I know how you feel but time to learn a very basic tenet of parenting...pick your battles!

WinkyWinkola · 10/09/2007 14:29

Totally reasonable. Everybody should defer to the parents and ask if it's ok to do whatever it is they want. Especially with a new baby.

Just say you'd rather she didn't or you'd prefer it if she'd ask you.

I don't think you're being possessive. It's normal to feel that way. Birth hormones or whatever. It's N.O.R.M.A.L.

Make sure you're happy. Make sure DH is happy. Make sure your baby is happy. That's all you can be dealing with right now.

Flip

1 2 3