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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DC's 'father' is a selfish arse

38 replies

nicknackpaddy · 21/03/2020 15:09

He lives about 15 minutes away and is now WFH until further notice. I am a key worker to two teenagers, one of whom is vulnerable (SEN so can't be home alone).

Their 'father' has said he won't see them whilst all this is going on and will not provide me with "free child care". I have told him that if he's going to refuse to step up to the plate now of all times then why should I cooperate with his demands for contact when it's all over.

His view is that if he doesn't see them then he won't end up in a situation where he has to self isolate and so that's better for him. He is single with a on-off girlfriend (former OW) and no other children.

OP posts:
ninox3 · 21/03/2020 15:18

Well what a selfish pigheaded twat

Don't ask him for anything, try to struggle through an tell him we're to go when he tries to come back on the scene when this is all over. Utter dickhead. Unless he has other illnesses or he's vulnerable to this virus then he's no excuse. Your a parent your kids come first!
Hope your okay. Your clearly doing s brilliant job without that! Xxx

billy1966 · 21/03/2020 15:35

Keep all his texts OP.
Suit yourself completely from now on.

But i would tell all family and friends about his behaviour.

Utterly shame him.

Original poster
nicknackpaddy · 21/03/2020 15:38

No, he's not at all vulnerable to this illness. He's most at risk of a virtual slinging of a brick at his bollocks.

OP posts:
SybilWrites · 21/03/2020 15:45

my ex has also told me that i'm "on my own" - even if I get the virus. He won't have the children hi in the flat he shares with his partner. This isn't new because (apparently) she has refused to have them there for the last 5 years - our youngest dd was 2 at the time.

Even if none of us get it, I am struggling to wfh in a full time job while educating the 4 children. But no, he won't have them at all.

I hate him.

wobblywinelover · 21/03/2020 15:46

What a knobhead OP, sounds like my ex who is also hinting that he won't be seeing our son every other weekend despite the fact it's the only time I can work as a front line key worker. He is a useless piece of crap. The grandparents will end up taking up the slack because it's essential I go to work. Why do so many estranged fathers think they can get away with stuff like this. They don't even seem to care that their own children might end up resenting them for it! Utterly selfish

Whydoesit · 21/03/2020 15:48

"free child care" fucks sake

wobblywinelover · 21/03/2020 15:49

That's awful @SybilWrites what a nasty piece of work. Also why are women staying with fellas who won't see their children? It's not exactly a nice human quality to have in a partner is it! I despair

ninox3 · 21/03/2020 16:24

I feel for you all. Not having been in this situation personally but I am a step mum to 4 others. And tbh my DSD came to stay with me for a week a few weeks ago. Her little brother got a bad viral bug an ended in hospital an was really hit an miss so I said we would have her so her mum could focus on her brother. She was so greatful and we put ourselves at risk of catching it an I was heavily oregnant but you don't think that at the time do you! You just help each other out for the kids sake to see you getting along and helping each other out in a time of need

If only everyone could get along an not be so selfish!! Pisses me off

HugeAckmansWife · 21/03/2020 16:28

wobbly because they choose to elieve the bullshit about the 'mental ex wife' who robs them blind and keeps their kids away. Who is massively unreasonable because they expect him to have the kids when he might actually have been busy, or socialising. The kids are supposed to fit around their lives, not the other way round. OP, there is no option really. You can't force him but maybe ask some very blunt questions.. So, you won't be seeing them for 3-6 months then? Minimum? You won't parent your children if I fall ill and can't do it because I'm hospitalised? If he can straightfacededly answer no then I think he is an absolute cunt whose family, friends and eventually children should know of his attitude.

Original poster
nicknackpaddy · 21/03/2020 16:46

To the 4% - how am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Itwasntme1 · 21/03/2020 16:50

Must be an accident, no one could possibly side with your shit of an ex.

Unless it’s a comment on your taste in men😂. But I assume he seemed like a decent human being at some point.

ninox3 · 21/03/2020 16:53

@nicknackpaddy @Itwasntme1 we always have them rose tinted glasses on when we're in love. Your been to reasonable you need be a bitch an treat him like shit an he might actually help then!
I hope he catches it just so you can laugh at him for been a dick x

Blanca87 · 21/03/2020 16:54

You're not, they are projecting their own selfishness. Only a selfish cunt would agree with his postion.

Bringringbring12 · 21/03/2020 16:56

If you’re a key worker, the children are entitled to be at school, aren’t they?

fridgegrazer · 21/03/2020 16:57

Free child care?

Isn't that what you're providing for him 24/7 seven days a week - they're his children too FFS.

Original poster
nicknackpaddy · 21/03/2020 17:02

Yes, they are entitled to be at school but I would not send them in an ideal world because of wanting to keep them safe. My DC without SEN can stay at home and would prefer to but the one with SEN won't cope with the change in routine at school and would be better at home but that's not an option. Luckily my boss is fantastic and is going out of her way to make it as easy as possible for me to work, making provision for my teenager with SEN to have access to Netflix and so on at my work place so they can come in with me meaning that the other one can stay home and have access to the laptop/tv and so on to do their school work undisturbed.

I've probably outed myself now but never mind.

and yes, he did seem to be reasonable once upon a time.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 21/03/2020 17:03

@Bringringbring12
If you’re a key worker, the children are entitled to be at school, aren’t they?

The advice is to keep your children at home to keep them safe. OPs ex would rather have them exposed in school than step up to support his kids.

My DD ex rang to say he was self isolating as soon as he heard the schools were closing.

Bringringbring12 · 21/03/2020 17:07

Yes, they are entitled to be at school but I would not send them in an ideal world because of wanting to keep them safe. My DC without SEN can stay at home and would prefer to but the one with SEN won't cope with the change in routine at school and would be better at home but that's not an option. Luckily my boss is fantastic and is going out of her way to make it as easy as possible for me to work, making provision for my teenager with SEN to have access to Netflix and so on at my work place so they can come in with me meaning that the other one can stay home and have access to the laptop/tv and so on to do their school work undisturbed.

But if your son has SEN, presumably school aware of this? And will recognise that SEN kids don’t cope well with change and to work with that?
And if you are taking him in to your workplace, wouldn’t you be better off taking him to school where you can focus on work and probably finish up earlier and he gets into a routine in a familiar environment?

Bringringbring12 · 21/03/2020 17:09

Yes be he’s not self isolating
He is going in to work with his mother
Schools have been amazingly on top of hygiene (hence lack of children contracting in part perhaps) and will continue (and have even more opp to focus on this as a descriptor bc of the number of kids)

Bringringbring12 · 21/03/2020 17:10

No doubt the OP’s husband sounds like a selfish twit

Original poster
nicknackpaddy · 21/03/2020 17:17

And if you are taking him in to your workplace, wouldn’t you be better off taking him to school where you can focus on work and probably finish up earlier and he gets into a routine in a familiar environment?

No, he'd be better with me. I work in a small place and he's been there a lot whereas school would be awkward because of the complete lack of structure and routine that he is used to when he's there. He can cope with my work place because he's not expecting it to be like school but school is supposed to be like school and the lack of the usual routine, others not being in uniform and there being no school lunches will be too much.

OP posts:
Bringringbring12 · 21/03/2020 17:28

All schools here still in uniform
And absolutely still providing lunch.

Original poster
nicknackpaddy · 21/03/2020 17:31

Non-uniform and packed lunches here but it's a small school.

OP posts:
Bringringbring12 · 21/03/2020 17:32

My point is - yes he’s a selfish arse
Would you want your son with him anyway?!

The school presumably know your son and his needs very well? There will be a routine as such. And you should get so much more more and be able to leave earlier.

I reckon your boss would be happier and allow you to finish up earlier too

Bringringbring12 · 21/03/2020 17:32

Is it a specialist sen school?