Or is my DH a cheeky fucker?

[Stuffandnonsense100]

Not sure if this is just me needing to take a deep breath and see it from his side/cut him some slack. NC so can’t be linked to other threads as extremely outing detail coming up.

He’s been working from home this week - high powered financial position. We are surrounded by chaos and boxes as due to move on Friday (that’s another story...) and we have a dog and a VERY bloody energetic toddler. It’s been extremely stressful for all of us - he’s been working loads and therefore obviously not helping out with DS. No problem there. But trying to wrangle a cooped, bored out of his mind 21 month old around the boxes and the video conferences has been very stressful for me. On top of Whcih I now having fucking mastitis. Did I mention I’m pregnant?!

TodayDH has disappeared for a while. I assumed to the loo or whatever. Nope - he was hiding out in our son’s room to “chill”.

AIBU to think we are supposed to be pulling together not fucking hiding out?! I tried to see the funny side but he genuinely came back to living room with some pitiful woe is me I’m so tired shit and I am so irritated.

I think you’re both tired and stressed and actually, it’s good for him to hide out for a while.

You should do it, too.

I think you should cut him a bit of slack. Work is probably very stressful for him and he just needs some time out. I'm sure you get plenty.

He's being a cheeky fucker if he's not going to enable you having an equal opportunity and time to 'chill'.

I'm sure you get plenty

Not sure where you are getting that from!

It's your turn for self care now

Do YOU also get time to hide out somewhere? If not, YANBU. If you do, YABU.

I don't think it's bad that he needs a bit if time to chill out - he's moving house while trying to work from home and be the sole earner (I assume? Sorry if incorrect) too. The thing is to make sure you get your time out too.

I suppose my issue is less that he wants down time - that’s not unreasonable - and more the way he just fucked off
To get it! Eg this morning he wanted a nap and I was like yes of course as he got up with DS so of course he should have a nap. No problem. Could he not have been like “I need some time to myself I’m going to have that now” rather than sneakily disappearing!

You're right OP - he should have been upfront about it. Maybe sit down together now and work out a plan so that you can each have some chill time today and tomorrow.

I also work in financial services (almost certainly not as high powered as your DH!) and it has honestly been the week from hell. We’ve been working unbelievable hours to try to keep things going for our customers and to get the right support for vulnerable individuals and businesses. It’s been crazy. So I believe that he is shattered!

On the other hand, pregnant, toddler wrangling, mastitis (shudders) and moving....OP, you deserve a medal!

I suspect you both deserve some formally agreed down time. Not “hiding in your sons room”....discuss it properly and work out a plan that gives each of you some proper time to yourselves each day. Good luck!

He should have spoken to you and agreed a plan for you both to get chill
Time, not sneaked off to hide.

Time to chill is fine, and you should take some too. The issue is that he just fucked off without a word!

You’re both having a difficult and stressful time. You both need time to chill on your own. But in order to support each other it needs to be discussed and agreed and balanced between you and what needs to be done at certain times.

Forbearance is my new word for this issue we're all going through

Pull together, chop up the home jobs, chop up some down time for you as individuals then perhaps when the children have gone to bed then it's time for you as a couple

Try to ensure work time is contained - albeit this may not be possible, when it is Male sure he's working say 8-6pm only ... or whatever then the rest of the time is split between you both with the above chores, family time, downtime and couple time

Agree with PPs - chill time is fine; fucking off without a word or without checking that it was a good time for you is NOT. Time for a sit down and a proper talk about how to both support each other while you're under this much stress.

I think you need to sit down together and map your day out into uninterrupted work time, childminding time, chores, downtime, cooking dinner, move prep, etc. Literally chop your days into half-hour segments and work out who does what and is responsible for what. If you are going to rely on just working it out as you go along you will drive each other crazy. It's going to be a rough few weeks/months so you need to attack it with proper communication and planning. Good luck OP.

I've had mastitis and genuinely could even lift my own head for a week I was so incredibly poorly so on that basis alone I would be fucking fuming!

Couldn't*

Sometimes I sneak off... I mostly get away with it, but I don’t announce it.
For example, if DH says he’ll read DS a bedtime story, instead of going downstairs and doing the dishes I’ll curl up in bed with eyes closed and then the minute he’s finished, I jump up and pretend to be doing something productive, like putting the washing away.
I guess I enjoy it more because it’s secret! I used to smoke and miss the alone time that brought.
It feels a bit controlling to me to be insisting he tells you what he’s doing all the time. In your shoes I’d let it go but make sure he’s pulling his weight at the weekends and when he’s not working, so you can sneak off with a book, coffee, bath, whatever works.

If you had posted that you had enough and just needed 10 mins on your own so you went to sit down everyone would be appluading so YABU. Don't understand why you don't use any spare time to sort through the boxes though.

You have to do what you have to do to preserve your mental health. Both of you. You ought to do he same if you need to when he is off his calls.

YANBU here. Downtime is one thing, but he needs to say he's doing it. That said, it sounds horribly stressful at yours at the moment. Perhaps have a chat, explain that he needs to let you know what he's up to and perhaps agree a downtime rota going forward?

Your pregnant and you have mastitis !!! How can people be saying he’s not being unreasonable ! What a twat mastitis is hideous let alone having it while pregnant AND having a toddler. My god I’d be FUMING!!!!

@SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace

same !! My baby was newborn and my partner didn’t believe me how ill I was and wouldn’t come from work the bellend. I was SO ill throwing up shivering/sweating it’s called the “boob flu” someone else had to come and care for me. These people saying he’s not being unreasonable clearly haven’t had mastitis

He was in the house so it wasn't like he fucked off out. Just make sure you get a break too. Competitive tiredness is never good.

I actually have had mastitis. But my DH didn’t suddenly become superhuman. He still had his limits!