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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn you if you are in DV relationship

34 replies

itDestroyedMe · 18/03/2020 12:54

That it will slowly and irretrievably destroy your soul?

I will never be loved again. No one will want to when they find out who I am. I'm starting to believe all the things he said I am.

It's destroyed my relationships with people - friends, family, colleagues. I'm just a horrible, nasty, dull piece of shit.

OP posts:
ChinookPilotsGoVertical · 18/03/2020 12:57

You are none of those things, those are just things thrown at you to keep you down.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2020 12:59

What have you done that you consider "horrible and nasty?"

DartmoorChef · 18/03/2020 13:00

I have voted yabu. Why? Because I was once in that relationship. I stuck it out for 12 years for various reasons, which looking back to it were so daft.

Six years down the road and im in a fantastic loving relationship. I have my own business (ex wouldn't let me work), live in a lovely little house, and life is great.

You are not what he says, nobody else thinks that either. He has just taken your self confidence but you can build it up again. ❤️

Barton10 · 18/03/2020 13:15

Please do the freedom programme, I felt like this after an emotionally abuse relationship and it really helped. Ten years old I am happily married to a lovely man and have a job I really enjoy. You can do this and you are so much better than feeling low like that. Big hugs xx

heartsonacake · 18/03/2020 13:26

This reply has been deleted

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WhenISnappedAndFarted · 18/03/2020 13:31

I voted YABU as well because you are wrong. You will find someone who loves and cherishes you. You aren't what he said you are.

PurpleDaisies · 18/03/2020 13:34

Are you still with this person?

You’re none of those things. Flowers

SonjaMorgan · 18/03/2020 13:35

I got out after 10 years. Spent over 2 by myself doing the things I wanted. Being able to spend my money on anything I wanted, watch what I wanted on TV and eat meals that I liked. Being alone is so much better than being an abuser. I then met someone and I am now married.

It doesn't matter what you have done no one deserves to feel unsafe or abused.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 18/03/2020 13:39

You will be loved again. People will find out who you are and be even more keen on being part of your life, because you are NOT that horrible list of things.

Mrspoopoohead · 18/03/2020 13:56

You are none of these things. I was told that I was lucky to have him as no one else will have me. Nearly 14 years later I’ve been happily married to my DH for nearly 10 years and had 3 more DC. I was also isolated from everyone although managed to stay in some form of contact with my parents who were very supportive. However lost all my friends and even now friendship circle is limited.

You can be happy again and you deserve it. Look to get some counselling and speak to your GP to help with your self esteem sending lots of hugs Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/03/2020 14:02

Your soul is the essence of you. That perfect little girl, who grew up to be an abused woman. Find her. Love her. Cherish her. You are beautiful inside.

I have voted yabu. Flowers

Beau20 · 18/03/2020 14:06

I'm with @DartmoorChef

YABU and I tell you why - YABU to think this man is your only option and to think that anyone will think you are any of those things.

I've been there, am I am out the other side. It took a 6 month suspended sentence for assault and a restraining order for me to be away from him but now I don't look back and I am the happiest I've ever been. The only person who looks bad is him.

Take all the advice on here. LTB and take back control of your life.

MuseumDad · 18/03/2020 14:07

My DP was in this relationship for a decade before we got together.
I knew her before she started the relationship, tried to help her and ended up minimising contacting because I couldn't bear to watch what was happening.

She will tell you that you are wrong, she felt exactly the same way after she finally broke free from him. But then we reconnected last year, and she is well along the path to recovery. I won't lie, she is still working through problems, still expects the worst, but we are getting there slowly.

Please, please, don't hesitate to reach out if you need a friendly ear. She has used the experience to help other who are going/have gone through the same.

Perfectstorm12 · 18/03/2020 14:08

Or...that your soul is slowly and irretrievably showing you the pain that you have been through and guiding you through how to heal yourself back to who you really are. Everything else you wrote is hideously untrue. That isn't who you are.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/03/2020 14:08

Please, please seek counseling. You have no idea how it can turn things around. I was in counseling for 18 months after ending an abusive relationship and it saved me. It really did.

You are worthwhile. You may be down but you are not beaten. You can change that internal dialogue with help.

Bacardi101 · 18/03/2020 14:10

I promise you you are none of these things and there will be a rainbow after the storm has passed

emmylousings · 18/03/2020 14:18

Actually, going through and then coming out of that sort of experience can make you a 'better' person in the end - it can make you more empathetic, less judgemental, more sensitive to your own instincts. You will learn from it once you are in a position to start recovering. Sounds like you are in the early stages - life can be amazing later on.

Gilead · 18/03/2020 14:21

I did 20 years of this. I managed to break free a couple of years ago. I have so many things I didn’t have, friends, outings, places to go. It’s fabulous.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/03/2020 14:29

No, it doesn't destroy your soul - it causes it to shrink and hide away, in a tiny little place deep inside.

Once you escape the shackles of DV, your soul will come out of its hiding place and blossom forth again. You need to allow it to do so - you're still holding onto the shackles of the DV you suffered, even if you've left the perpetrator - let go of those things that were said to you, they don't belong to you, they never did. The belong to the abuser.

You can do this.

MayFayner · 18/03/2020 14:37

I will never be loved again

Having been through this with my first H, I just want to say one thing to you, in addition to what pps have said.

“Being loved” is not as important as loving. What or who YOU love. Do you love the way this relationship makes you feel? Do you love your life? Do you love him ...?

Worry about what YOU want and what YOU love and “being loved” will follow at some point.

Piecrust32 · 18/03/2020 14:40

Your none of those things Flowers

I was in a Dv relationship for 10 years, finally found myself and packed his stuff ,left it outside and changed the locks
Its taken over a year but I'm loving life again, people think I'm a little nuts as little things like having money, eating what I wanted not what I was told too, I found it exciting 🙈 I still do now, i finally learned to drive that is my proudest achievement so far.

You've got this OP, things will improve xx

SunshineCake · 18/03/2020 14:47

YABU as it doesn't have to be that way and I think it is actually unkind and cruel to say those things in your OP.

liberoncolours · 18/03/2020 14:59

You are a lovely normal person. Every time he says something awful, read nice things about yourself and believe those. Try to get away before lockdown if you can.

Original poster
itDestroyedMe · 18/03/2020 15:03

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Just to clarify, I left him a couple years back. I guess this whole Covid-19 malarkey is stressing me out. Sad

OP posts:
liberoncolours · 18/03/2020 15:06

Ah - well in that case be thankful as not all women will have! It will get better, really, it can.

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