...in thinking DH needs a few lessons in parenting?

Nice if you can get him to go to parenting classes.

I have just started going to relate with my DH to discuss lots of things including parenting problems.

I have found that the more he works and is away from the children the less patience and tolerance he has with them.

You could be describing my house - DP does exactly this with our sons. That is, when he's not over-indulging them in ways I would never contemplate. I think it's hard for the partner who spends less time with the children - it's as though they come home from work and have to fit in to someone else's rules and timetable. My DP also has an occcasional fit in which he decides that he ought to behave like the head of the household , which always results in him yelling at the kids, or having unrealistic expectations of their behaviour. Don't know what to suggest really - except that he obviously loves his boys, and it will probably all come out in the wash! Well, that's what I tell myself. (If he really did confiscate a beloved toy, though, I might leave it for half an hour and then step in when things have calmed down a bit.)

I think we all have times when we don't deal with our children in a text-book manner.

If this is a one-off, then let it go.

If he is forever shouting at your son, and physically moving him about, then you need to sit down and discuss parenting strategies.

Discuss it in terms of needing to be consistent with how you both deal with your children, and less in terms of telling your DH what to do.

And perhaps encourage your DH and DS to spend lots of fun time together, so they each understand where the other one is coming from a bit better.

Yes, get him to some parenting/counselling sessions. He's probably very tired after working away all week and doesn't think about his actions at all - you need to take some time together to discuss how he might approach the children more calmly.

I have simular parenting issues with DP. He says things like he'll take his comforter toy away which i completely disagree with and doesn't give warnings, often just goes to extreme punishment or makes stupid threats. I really have to fight to not lose it and rather than intervene and confuse DS even more i tend to let DP deal with it then i go and speak to DS about what he did wrong and why daddy got angry. Which DP often neglects to explain. I don't know if there is a way to broach this without a row? If someone knows then please tell me. I'm thankful that i'm the main disciplinarian and can do it my way most of the time!

When we do discuss parenting styles DP tells me i'm being OTT and that i'm free to do it my way but he'll do it his way i often feel bad for DS (2.9) when he gets an unfair punishment or just doesn't understand what he did wrong and daddy starts yelling!

You're not alone

I think that the "head of household" authority thing arises when men feel that they have lost all control of their family lives.... which of course is their own fault if they over-indulge, then try to get the children to obey orders and fail.

So basically they need to stop the over-indulging in the first place.

my dp also works extremely long hours or away so parenting is down to me he also feels he has no role in the house and tries to deal with things in his own way and if i try to tell him how we do it he also says that i'm underminin g him whats the point in being here

but i dont like to see my ds destressed when i know he doesn't have to be just so my dp can get his macho ego in the house after alot of long discussions and tears we have now cleared up the fact its not me undermining him but as i'm left doing the parenting and a routine has been set he should respect that and follow it through he has now witnessed it does work but i make sure i say he handled it well to boost his ego so he feels he plays a part in the family and thank him for helping as i do understand he must feel he is on the outside but alos he has to respect my hard work

Oh, I agree with that Anna8888. It's getting DP to see it (or even getting him to recognise that he indulges them in the first place) that's difficult.

I do look on parenting as being like any other skill - the more you do it, the better you get. I do it all day every day, and so am consequently no longer entirely incompetent at it (on a good day). Comparatively, by DP is still a rookie, and still makes rookie mistakes. So long as he's not doing anything that I think it really outrageous, I tend to leave him to get on with it - that's the best way to learn, after all. I wouldn't let him do anything that I thought would cause real harm, but God knows I've made plenty of parenting mistakes over the years, and it would have wound me up something rotten if DP had been constantly standing over me telling me that I was doing it wrong, or suggesting parenting classes - I'd have been in tears.

If he ever does anything right, Squirdle, could you make a big deal out of acknowledging it (without seeming to take the piss)? 'Oh, you dealt with that really well, don't know whether I would have been able to handle it so calmly' (of course you would, but he doesn't need to know this!). This approach works well with my DP sometimes, and makes him feel a bit less of a prat on the home front.

the other way i got around it was by pretending hv had told me how to deal with certain situations with our ds and we both had to stick to it and she was going to check on progress in few weeks

he listened and agreed probably because he thought it was someone elses good plan not mine but still lol it worked

Yes, I agree that they have a hard time not over-indulging .

My partner does this really annoying thing of taking the boys (my stepsons) to restaurants at lunchtime and then thinking that I should only make really healthy (diet) meals at home. I have tried explaining that if I don't cook proper food, my daughter and I will go hungry... it's beginning to sink in...

I think this is a common problem and I think the posters who have suggested lack of time with the children/male ego as reasons are right.

Have had this with dh occasionally. But I try to remember that I am not perfect either. And keep out of the way unless it is really unfair and distressing. If it is, I intervene but try to make it a helpful 'you look really stressed, why don't you have a breather and I'll take over for a few minutes'. And then have a gentle conversation about it later, suggesting how it could have been done differently in a gentle, not-blaming way, if that makes sense.

Could you talk to dh about any incidents later when he's calm in a non-accusatory way? 'Gosh, that was a really tough moment, are you feeling OK?' And then subtly suggest how things could have gone differently while agreeing noone is perfect and you've f*cked up too on occasions?

yes i've done that with my dp you handled that so well but just a little tip if you do such and such next time might not be so stressful it took me along time to work that out so just thought id help you as you done so well and dont want you getting to stressed then change of subject

they still have the sense of i did good i'll say i'm proud of you and i've noticed he does the same back with me now so it does work you have to catch them at right time though

many many rows were had before i managed to perfect my approach with him but it worked thank goodness although do still have to on the odd accasion remind him to pick his fights or he could spend all day stressing about everything

If I need to tell my partner that he has handled something badly, I always make sure I do it well after the event when everyone has calmed down, the children are out of the way and I have had time to analyse it and can explain exactly what he could have done better. I don't think telling anyone they have done something badly is justifiable if you cannot explain how they could do it better next time.

Squirdle - yes, I have that one too . He started paying attention when my clothes started falling off because I'd got so thin.

Cuddle DS on the sofa while he watches a favourite DVD?

Makes you see the advantages of being a single parent sometimes. Perhaps it's better for children.

I think it's better for children if parents learn to work out their differences

i could keel over with exasperation re DPs parenting skills, or lack of them. Well actually, only in my opinion. He is a FANTASTIC father, wonderful, loving, caring, ADORES his dd. The trouble is, he is too bloody soft with her, and dither? oh my can that man dither, so if he gets her ready to go out, there she will be, all ready, then he dithers, so shes bored and climbing on this that and the other, i mean, it took him over an hour to get himself sorted this morning, ten minutes of that DD was sat in push chair waiting patiently for him. BUT i am not complaining, he was taking DD out because i have a tummy bug and feel like shit, he has washed up this morning, taken dd out, changed her bum n amount of times as she has remnants of bug too, he has occupied her all morning, so he does things differently to me, so what?

How the hell would i be better off as single parent??

Did DS really need to go with DH to get oil for the car? Sounds like it could have been avoided. If DS does not want to go somewhere then DH and I stand around talking about what fun it will be and what we are looking forward to when we get there and what a shame that DS will miss it. Works a treat every time.

Don t think you are wrong in thinking that your ways should stand if DH is not there as much as you are and they are effective. DH and I are pretty together on parenting and he does tend to do things my way EXCEPT when we go to his parents house and for some reason he feels the need to come down on DS like a ton of bricks in front of them. Almost like he's showing off that he is the man of the house etc. Things that would be laughed at or paid no attention to at home are met with a really stern face and voice, which is NOT the way we have ever done things at home and as a result DS is a lovely kid. DH parents were super strict when he was a kid and he hated it. Really really irritates me. Have tackled him over it and he flared up but only because he felt silly I think and he has been more himself the last couple of times we have been there. This is not to say I am perfect of course. It is always easy to see what other people are doing wrong. Because I am full time carer and DH works long hours I don t generally get pulled up for my mistakes except by myself.

Try making a recording of him dealing with your ds, and playing it back to him. I'm sure he doesn't mean to be a bully, and is just scared of having no author4ity, but if you play back to him how bullying he is being with such a small child, he should hopefully feel ashamed enough to stop.