...in thinking DH needs a few lessons in parenting?

[Squirdle]

To be brief..or as brief as I can be, DS2 (aged 4) was told this morning he had to go out with DH to get some oil for the car (I actually was under the impression it was to be both small boys going, but no!) DS didn't want to go, but DH insisted, DS gets upsets, starts wailing, DH threatens to put him on the stairs if he doesn't stop and put his shoes on, DS wails more. DH puts DS on stairs, DS wails more. DH starts to put said shoes on, DS loses it completely, DH shouts throws him into his bedroom (well, not exactly throws but you know what I mean) and comes into see me (I have kept out of it as DH would say I was undermining him had I become involved) I say, just leave him for a few minutes to calm down and then he will be fine. DH goes in after a minute, DS still losing it. DH shouts, says he will take beloved bear away (I don't agree with this at all) DS screams some more. DH threatens to put toys in the bin, DS screams some more. DH eventually gets shoes on DS, and they go out.

Now, my way of dealing with DS outbursts is to give him a warning, and then sit him on the stairs ALONE for 4 minutes, after which time he has calmed down, had a think and is ready to co-operate. DH knows this so WHY CAN'T HE DO IT MY WAY????? Because it's my way maybe??

DS is a wilful one, but not that much. I think DH compares him far too much with DS1 (13) who was really an angelic child....but DS2 is a different child!!!

Also DS2 has just started school, a week after recovering from severe tonsillitis so is absolutely shattered, hence the unreasonable behaviour. I have tried to explain theis to DH who seems to listen and take it in, but obviously he hasn't.

I know DH didn't want to give in to DS, but I just feel he could handle everything sooooo much better.

He is away Monday to Friday most weeks, so the parenting is up to me, so am I unreasonable in thinking that we should really do it mostly my way (seeing as it works and DS doesn't scream at me that much at all) I'm not a soft touch, but can also see why children behave in certain ways at certain times.

DS isn't a bad child, he is really lovely with a stubborn streak in him.

Dh isn't a bad dad, he is a very loving and fun one but he can't seem to get on their level and just understand.

Aaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh!

I just feel really horrible now

Rant over

Well, I have been more than understanding about DH's behaviour this morning, trying to understand where he is comimng from etc, but he has blown it again this evening!

Putting DS3 to bed (thankfully this is an area where DS2 is fab), DS3 does have a tendency to mess around for a bit and then settle to go to sleep. My way...put boys to bed, kiss and cuddle both, say to DS3 'now go to sleep like a big boy, like DS2' and leave the room. I do hang around upstairs for a bit to check DS3 is settling and do pop back to remind him to if needs be.

DH's way. Put boys to bed, kiss and cuddle. Sit next to bed, get cross with DS3 for messing around. Shout very loud and sound very angry. Threaten silly things like bear taken away etc. Shove DS3 back into bed, DS3 upset. I come up, say sweetly, shall I take over. I get a gruff NO! Ok, I go back downstairs finish making dinner, then go up again and say'go and have dinner with DS1, I think DS3 needs to be left to settle.

I then get accused of deliberately waking DS3 up (who clearly wasn't asleep) I told him that I spend enough of my life settling boys so did he really think I would deliberately wake them? But apparently I am happy he woke up

D'you know, I just really can't be bothered with it all. He is just soo right all of the time. He uses his business voice to talk to me (some of you will know what I mean) when he feels he is right (all of the time) and I am sick of it.

I'm typing this now and actually thinking there really isn't any point in typing it as he won't listen to what I need to say. Maybe I just need to accept that when he is home, what he says goes

My mother bullied us as children, far worse than this granted, but I can't bear to see my children being treated even slightly like this. It makes me angry and very sad. There is no need for it at all.

Tbh, I'm not saying he is a bully, he certainly would hate to think he was as he loves the boys. But i don't want my children growing up remembering any episodes like I remember about being a child. I want them to be able to express themselves, be children, carefree, happy.

Oh, this sounds familiar. My DH is always "laying down the law" to our DCs when he thinks they need more disipline.

DH had a very strict upbringing and he sometimes forgets that we decided not to bring up our DCs in the same manner. I think sometimes that it is so deep inside his subconcious that he reverts to his childhood pattern, iyswim.

Most of the time he is lovely and more patient with the DCs than I am but sometimes he just expects too much.

I do think that it must be difficult for your DH, he must feel a bit like an outsider. He is not involved in the day to day life if he is only home at the weekend, and this makes it difficult for him to find a happy medium.

Why don't you sit down with a glass of wine and try to chat to your DH. If you think it would help him, show him this thread so htat he understands how you feel.

It sounds like he just can't stop himself. He gets over-involved - like the oil incident (I assume there was no reason your DS actually HAD to go with him - why didn't he just leave it?!) and like this bedtime thing. It's about control I imagine; being this in their faces about stuff and trying to instantly control their behaviour...control and perhaps laziness. He's knackered from a week's working and it's less tiring and easier not to THINK, just to pull the loud dad act.

In the nicest possible way I do think he needs putting in his place a bit. If he is content to leave the vast majority of the parenting to you, which he is, then he MUST accept that you both need to parent in broadly the same way. And that's not a power issue between the two of you, that's for the healthy and happy development of the children you have. He needs to be made to see that the kids will very likely become anxious and confused with two very different approaches.

Stick to your guns, your approach sounds great and your DH's is clearly flawed. Be really strong about the issue, it's worth it because it's going to be good for your boys.

I wouldn't accept that what he says goes, because he's being a small minded bully with two fragile little minds. I personally would have torn a flaming strip off him for threatening to take a comfort object away - does he really want to be remembered as a spiteful, arrogant and controlling dad?

Squirdle - I'm sorry but I just had to laugh at "Shout very loud and sound very angry. Threaten silly things like bear taken away etc"

Parenting/counselling definitely needed

I really think you did need to say something along the lines of "he is 5 - you cock - perspective?"

Your dh sounds really stressed. When dh talks to me in his "business" or even worse "strict parent" voice I know that things are getting on top of him.

I could have written the OP (different details re oil etc obviously!) and had a rant at my DH over his heavy-handed attitude towards a tired and stroppy DS3 during an outing yesterday. My DH also works away during the week, and I cope pretty well - so when he's back and different rules seem to come into play it is really difficult. My rant last night did turn into a reasoned discussion and I think was useful - my DH resents the lack of involvement he has during the week and feels the need to make his mark, but then is over the top in the way he goes about it. Which is a long winded way of saying my advice is to talk to him - explain how you're feeling and the need for consistency etc.

I haven't read all the thread so sorry if I am repeating.

We had a little of this when ds was first born. Now when dh gets home (ds is already in bed by then ) we talk about the day especially if ds has done something that I need to discuss with him.

How I/we approach it is 'ds has done xxxx today, how are we going to approach it?' WE then chat about what we think, then come up with a solution. I impliment this first as I am with ds the most. Dh then knows exactly waht we are doing in a given situation.

This has made his feel that ds is as much his as mine even though I spend far more time with him. Dh feels valued as his opinion is asked for and he is part of the decision making. I feel I'm being supported as he listens and backs me up with whatever discipline we have decided.

We aren't hippies. this doesn't always work and we don't have each and every situation covered but it does makes us both feel we are at least trying to work together!

Something that just occured to me is how stressed your DH is, perhaps he needs an outlet. My DH has started jogging again recently and I have noticed he has a lot more patience with the DCs. It does him good as he has a very stessful job and he needs to work it out of his system.

Oh no, I have made him sound really awful and such a bully and he really isn't. He is very loving towards the children and will do anything for him. It is just this issue and to be honest I really think he can't get back on to thier level and try to remember/understand what it is like to be 13/4/2. I'm pretty good at it ie when our 13 yr old is inconsiderate, yes I address it, but I also say to DH, remember he is just doing what you and I and every other teenager in this land has done! Dh does nag him, but he really thinks it is for his own good, which sometimes it is, but not always. However they in particular have a very close relationship.

DH has been a lot more patient with the boys this morning and so I would hope he has taken something from his behaviour yesterday.

Gotta go, must pick up DS2 from school.

Hard to get the right balance. Although I said below it's a lot easier if you're a 100% single parent in practice it's better for children if they have different standards, different people looking after them because mothers are often wrong and fathers too so it's good to have the two views (unless one person is really so bad at parenting it's abusive).

Oh, I too have SO been there! I felt every moment of your pain and frustration! What has helped a bit for us was me, after losing my pip (only really once every 6 months!) was calming down, rereading 'Raising Boys' then firmly suggesting DH should do the same! DS1 is 8 and of teh age where I want to see his 'attachment bond' to me weaken a little but I WANT DS1 to WANT to go out with DH, not be forced. I was falling into the trap of, if the DSs weren't responding to my 'C'mon now. boys, to bed now, please, it's 'x' o'clock', I'd whisper 'Please or daddy will get all shouty and none of us wants that!'- which was when I decided to tackle DH not set up a conspiracy with the boys against nasty daddy.

DH is a good man- a man who wasn't well parented (Isn't THAT a theme?!) and I would love him to go to some parenting classes- we'd do it together but lord, it's SO frustrating when they're coming in, guns blazing and hoofing their size 9s all over your and your DCs day!

Kinder, he does have an outlet, plenty of them, far far more than me!

His problems are that he thinks his mother knows everything about bringing up children and likes to do what she does/would have done. Not that she does it with my children, I must give off that 'I will not tolerate it' vibe

Also, if he is at home, he stays up really late, thus he is a grumpy, tired daddy/and partner (something I pointed out this morning)

I probably need to accept that some of it just him and who he is, but tis hard to. He has just nagged DS1 to put his bike away, 20 minutes after arriving home and I got into trouble by saying 'he will do it, he always does' Maybe I should have just shut up, but sometimes I feel the need to stick up for our actually rather wonderful 13 yr old. He is getting to the age where he is rolling his eyes at some of Dh comments and I like someone else mentioned sometimes have to say 'just do it quickly to keep the peace'

Anyway, atm, all my boys are happy (well maybe DS1 less so with the mountain of homework he has arrived home with ) the 2 small boys enjoying each others company playing some imaginary game (don't you just love it when your little ones play together)

I won't stop sticking up for my boys, but maybe I will sit down with DH and speak to him about it. Wish me luck

Ooh Miljee, I have 'Raising Boys' I shall dig it out now and leave it lying around!

So...we have been getting on pretty well recently, DH has been tryingto be more reasonable with the boys and I have tried to be more reasonable with DH. But this morning (and a few other occasions in the past month) he has been Mr Oh So I'm The Boss again. DS had eaten his cereal this morning and requested yoghurt, which he was given, but DH refused to give him a clean spoon to eat his yoghurt, instead wanting him to use the spoon he had used for cereal. DS didn't want to use that spoon, DH insisted, DS upset, DH getting crosser!

I don't understand why he couldn't just get a fresh spoon! It was just an unnecessary battle. Anyway, I say this to DH, I am accused of pandering DS and DH has had enough of me! I just choose my battles with the children carefully. DH reckons if he gave into him, he would never do as he is told. But our children aren't horrors for goodness sake!

So DH has gone to work cross (no goodbye kiss for me ) and I have felt quite upset all day

I hate this. I don't want to argue over the children, I just want a nice happy family.

Anyway, rant/sob/etc over.

He was a little stressed about work this morning, but it's not our fault!!!!!