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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM again: kids off for 5 weeks

53 replies

NoKnit · 17/03/2020 20:00

So I expect to do the lions share always have done. However I am extremely narked at having to do all childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc at the moment and he doesn't offer to pick up a bit of slack at all. Husband is working from home so have to prepare lunches for him and kids as well.

On the weekend he was sick, full of a fever unable to do anything and had to stay in bed so I did everything then. No thanks for picking up the slack and Monday morning he has miraculously recovered to be well enough to work from home so unable to help with children. I was actually feeling quite unwell myself yesterday and at about 5pm could hardly stand and told him I needed a lie down and flopped on the bed only to hear him a few minutes later removing 3 year old from room to downstairs telling him he'd have to wait five minutes. 3 year old balling I had no choice but to go and see to him. In the end we(3 year old and I) distracted ourselves with a bit of fresh air in the garden which made me feel a bit better too.

Almost an hour later he comes down and in fairness he did offer to cook dinner (well it was defrosting and reheating something I'd previously cooked) but doesn't ask how I am and when I snap slightly and tell him dinner didn't really need cooking he just went and sat down on sofa with his phone.

You see the dinner thing - he'd class that as cooking and wouldn't do it for another couple of weeks because he works.

Today has not been much better.

Seriously having him home is worse than having the kids off until end of April. Absolutely ready to slap him with a wet fish.

It's not wrong of me to want a bit of appreciation is it? We have no real choice but for me not to work as no grandparents or family around to help with childcare, although at the moment I wish I was working.

OP posts:
JoshArcherStoleMyTractor · 17/03/2020 20:06

Is he actually working from home? I've been trying to today as has DH with a poorly toddler and it's really difficult. We've agreed that tomorrow other than keeping a check on phone/email I will work in the morning and he will watch DS and swap in the afternoon, we'll both catch up on the evening when DS is in bed. If over of us wasn't working we'd be doing the childcare so there other one could. Evenings and weekends though evenly split and of course you ask how your spouse is if they've been feeling unwell

Darbs76 · 17/03/2020 20:09

Why can’t be make the lunches etc? Assuming he has a lunch break. You need to tell him he needs to pull his weight

Betterversionofme · 17/03/2020 20:16

Yeah, I used to put up with same until I couldn't. The biggest regret of my life.

millymoo1202 · 17/03/2020 20:18

Why can’t he make his own lunch, no idea why you would make a grown mans lunch if I’m honest with you. What would he do if god forbid you were hospitalised!

Original poster
NoKnit · 17/03/2020 20:22

Sorry to clarify he's usually based in the office but they are all instructed to work from home. He is actually working or should be because I have been keeping the children away and he has been upstairs with door closed. So if he isn't working he's messing about on the Internet 🙄 But to be fair he is doing work. I even took the kids out for 3 hours to play in fields this afternoon so he had more peace. I realise with toddlers it isn't easy to work and look after them, but he isn't.

He's probably actually working more as not having to commute but doesn't come down for dinner until the time he'd normally get home anyway.

I see no reason why he can't make lunches either but I can't really ask him to make one for me if I'm not working and he is. I could ask him to do the kids but still have to do my own as well.

Of course added to this is that I have to do extra food shopping and can only really go on a Saturday when it's packed instead of midweek when I'm on my own. I don't take them to supermarket, can't here at the moment anyway. It's all quite stressful

OP posts:
Original poster
NoKnit · 17/03/2020 20:25

What would he do if god forbid you were hospitalised!

Absolutely no clue at the moment, he might take time off work but my life I'd come home to a tip of a house, no food in and a huge pile of laundry.

OP posts:
TwigTheWonderKid · 17/03/2020 20:50

Why not suggest you take it in turns to do lunches?

WaxOnFeckOff · 17/03/2020 20:53

I see no reason why he can't make lunches either but I can't really ask him to make one for me if I'm not working and he is

Of course you can bloody ask him to make everybodys lunch. I'm damned sure he has a lunch break at work.

Oh, and you are working, you are looking after the DC all day.

When I'm working at home I love a wee break to make myself a hot lunch (usually an omelette) and I ask if anyone else who is home wants anything. Yes, they could make their own as well but will make me lunch or at least offer if they are home.

Devlesko · 17/03/2020 20:54

Josh, I think the idea is for one of you to look after the children and the other work.
I presume somebody else usually cares for them.

Devlesko · 17/03/2020 20:55

He needs to make his own lunch, he's at work Grin
he can also do a bit during his lunch break and of course after work.
He should be doing more surely as has no commute to work.
Put your foot down now, do you always do everything?

NewPapaGuinea · 17/03/2020 20:58

“Husband is working from home so have to prepare lunches for him”

Cringe!

squeakydog · 17/03/2020 20:59

Surely he should be doing way more than he normally does.
My DH is also working from home, I'm not as on mat leave. He has basically swapped his commute for having the kids while I whiz around and do jobs, then at his normal time he logs on. Takes his standard lunch break and again has the kids while I do lunch (he'd happily make lunch for us all but I'm glad of any time by myself instead of 12 hours a day constantly surrounded by the little ones), then we eat together before he starts work again and then joins us for family time when he'd normally finish work. He also pops down several times throughout the day to see us for 5 minutes here and there- the home equivalent of his tea breaks in the office. Your husband needs to sort himself out and be less selfish.

Ruby8719 · 17/03/2020 20:59
  1. He needs to make his own lunch unless you offer to make it for him. You only have yourself to blame for making his lunch if you don’t actually want to do it.
  1. If you’re a SAHM and he’s working from home then you should be looking after the kids and he should be working just like you would if he was in the office.
  1. You say he seemed really ill but you sound suspicious that he was actually ill - YABU if he was ill. If he wasn’t ill he’s an arsehole and you have issues in your relationship.
Devlesko · 17/03/2020 21:05

Look, you aren't his maid.
Take care of the kids, they are your priority, the domestic chores you share 50/50.
teachers and childcare workers don't leave their charges to go wash up, or hoover, or make their dh lunch.

DingleberryRose · 17/03/2020 21:06

I’m always amazing when people seem surprised at how life with children turned out. I mean this politely but what we’re you expecting exactly?

FortunesFave · 17/03/2020 21:11

Re. lunches...I work from home and have done for 11 years. My DC are older now but I can tell you this...if my DH was home for any reason, I'd make him lunch.

I stop work at 12.30 every day and have a lunch break.

He should be doing the same.

It's hard for people who aren't used to working from home but you've got to be strict with yourself.

He could easily make the lunch daily.

Original poster
NoKnit · 17/03/2020 21:19

I mean this politely but what we’re you expecting exactly?

Sorry that doesn't make sense, if you write it again perhaps I'll understand what your question is.

I am under no surprise as to how life with children worked out I was well aware of the amount of work they would be. When I decided to be SAHM I knew I'd be doing the vast majority of the work and whilst children at school/kindergarten I can get all housework, cooking, shopping etc done so husband and I have a comfortable evening/weekend life. What I didn't bak on was not getting a stitch of input from father of children because he works and I don't.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 17/03/2020 21:20

I’m agreeing with some of what you say and disagreeing with some.
But being SAHM is your full time job. Do you thank him for picking up “the slack” every day at bringing in an income? Why would you expect him to thank you every day for doing your job? YABU there.

But that said, YANBU to ask him to take over when you are too sick to work. Yes the 3yr old yelling and him not going instantly was hard to hear, but I would personally have stayed in bed. If he’s taking over the childcare and house duties because you are sick, just leave him to deal with it. You don’t need to thank him either..,it becomes his job.

But try not to criticise what he decides to do in terms of making for dinner. What if he’d said you hadn’t really cooked dinner because you defrosted something premade? That’s petty. Food on the table = dinner made.

On lunches, why the hell cant you ask him to make your lunch? You are both home, so take turns making lunch for everyone. It’s ridiculous to have a fend for yourself and argue over who does the kids lunch set up. Just take turns or agree on a time and make lunch together.

Herpesfreesince03 · 17/03/2020 21:20

I actually feel a bit sorry for him. Do you actually do any paid work at all op? When I’ve supported the family my oh has done almost all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. And vice versa. You say you’re only having to do all the domestic chores ‘at the moment’, so he does actually help. And you’re complaining he was too sick to help at the weekend and didn’t thank you on the Monday for looking after your own children/house. He was sick, not out on the piss. I know we’ve all got our own ideas of what’s acceptable but he’s got it just as hard as you imo, if not harder. And I don’t even know what to say about the lunches or why people are making out it’s a big deal. He’s working at home all day to support his own family. Why can’t you just make an extra sandwich? Is he supposed to come downstairs from work, make you and the children lunch, then go back up to work again?

Devlesko · 17/03/2020 21:23

He doesn't sound like an adult, OP.
He couldn't manage to take care of his home and family if you weren't there. God, what a catch.
He sounds worse the more you post.
You are his maid, and childcare provider, poor kids. Do they not wonder why he isn't there for them?

stormyjupiter · 17/03/2020 21:27

You are SAHM and your DH is working Full time and not happy to pick up everything? You need to train him better. I have one child, I am a SAHM, and dh works full time, and he normally has left over from the night before for lunch if he is at home, otherwise he cooks his own lunch. I do laundry but I don't put them away. I do cooking, but I don't wash up. It's my dh's job, including making lunch for dc.

SebandAlice · 17/03/2020 21:30

I cannot believe some of these replies. Just because she is a SAHM does not mean the father is not required to do any child care or house work whatsoever.

RainbowsandSnowdrops · 17/03/2020 21:30

I think your relationship sounds way too unbalanced. If I was a SAHM I wouldn’t feel happy with this and would need to make some changes.

Lilymossflower · 17/03/2020 21:34

What I didn't bak on was not getting a stitch of input from father of children because he works and I don't.

You DO work !

By the sounds of it more hours then him too.

iMoan7 · 17/03/2020 21:36

Hang on.

He’s working. You’re a SAHM. How is this different from when he’s in the office? Just treat it the same way.

Granted he could help out when you’re ill (and like fuck would I be making his lunches although if I was making myself something I’d probably just make double the amount - id expect the same courtesy from him). But people are not sent to work from home with the idea that they’ll be giving the resident SAHM a break!