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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SAHM again: kids off for 5 weeks

53 replies

NoKnit · 17/03/2020 20:00

So I expect to do the lions share always have done. However I am extremely narked at having to do all childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc at the moment and he doesn't offer to pick up a bit of slack at all. Husband is working from home so have to prepare lunches for him and kids as well.

On the weekend he was sick, full of a fever unable to do anything and had to stay in bed so I did everything then. No thanks for picking up the slack and Monday morning he has miraculously recovered to be well enough to work from home so unable to help with children. I was actually feeling quite unwell myself yesterday and at about 5pm could hardly stand and told him I needed a lie down and flopped on the bed only to hear him a few minutes later removing 3 year old from room to downstairs telling him he'd have to wait five minutes. 3 year old balling I had no choice but to go and see to him. In the end we(3 year old and I) distracted ourselves with a bit of fresh air in the garden which made me feel a bit better too.

Almost an hour later he comes down and in fairness he did offer to cook dinner (well it was defrosting and reheating something I'd previously cooked) but doesn't ask how I am and when I snap slightly and tell him dinner didn't really need cooking he just went and sat down on sofa with his phone.

You see the dinner thing - he'd class that as cooking and wouldn't do it for another couple of weeks because he works.

Today has not been much better.

Seriously having him home is worse than having the kids off until end of April. Absolutely ready to slap him with a wet fish.

It's not wrong of me to want a bit of appreciation is it? We have no real choice but for me not to work as no grandparents or family around to help with childcare, although at the moment I wish I was working.

OP posts:

Mistystar99 · 17/03/2020 21:40

He is a lazy bastard!

Ninkanink · 17/03/2020 21:50

That’s just utterly ridiculous.

I’d be so cross with him.

He can make his own lunch (yours and the children’s too!) and there’s no reason he can’t do his share in cleaning and tidying at the end of the working day.

He absolutely ought to be appreciative of your workload too, and the sizeable contribution you make in ensuring the smooth running of the household.

Ninkanink · 17/03/2020 21:51

Oh and his share in all aspects of parenting, including the not so nice bits.

pallisers · 17/03/2020 22:14

Is he supposed to come downstairs from work, make you and the children lunch, then go back up to work again?

Christ who would expect this of anyone? Outrageous. Actually come downstairs and ... make lunch! I'm shocked anyone would even suggest it.

the low standards for men on this site are depressing.

Ellisandra · 17/03/2020 22:30

Why would you just make his lunch?
Stop enabling this shite.
It is fair that you do more domestic work as you’re a SAHM. But that doesn’t mean all of it.
He’s being a shit, but you’re just letting him.

Fifthtimelucky · 17/03/2020 22:36

I do think both are being a bit feeble to be honest. Hard to tell how much their various illnesses have affected things obviously.

I agree with @iMoan7. The husband is at home to work. Not to help with the childcare.

He ought to be able to make his own lunch, of course, but the OP seems to be a bit fed up having to make the children's lunch too, presumably because she normally doesn't have to as they are at school/nursery. If she is making lunch for herself and the children surely it's not much extra effort to make it for her husband. I'd think it very petty to make it for everyone else but not him (unless of course he won't eat the same as everyone else). And does the fact that he is having lunch at home really mean that much extra shopping? Surely not.

It sounds to me like the OP normally has a pretty easy life as a SAHM whose children are out during the day, which means that she can get on with shopping and doing other tasks without them. Now they are at home she is having to look after children at the same time as doing other stuff and she's finding it hard as she's not used to it. I know it can be hard, but I can't help feel that that is pretty normal for many women.

Similarly, many women have no choice but to work even though, like the OP, they have no family locally to provide free childcare.

GreyishDays · 17/03/2020 22:37

Obviously he helps you throw some sandwiches together.

Burgerandchipvan · 17/03/2020 22:49

If he had a fever at the weekend, why did he go to work yesterday?

As for the rest of it, I guess it depends on what your normal day is like and how much he usually does round the house. I'm a SAHP, my day will continue as usual. If OH wants to eat lunch with us, I'll make something but if he wants to eat at a different time, he can sort himself out, like he would on a normal work day. I don't expect any extra help during the day, he's at work (even if his new place of work is the spare room).

Knoxinbox · 17/03/2020 23:00

even took the kids out for 3 hours to play in fields this afternoon so he had more peace.

All of you in the house should be staying AT HOME for 14 days

But your DH sounds like a lazy manchild

My DH works long hours and I’m a sahm but he pulls his weight when he’s home

pallisers · 17/03/2020 23:06

And yet again I think the British education system needs to sort out Comprehension with some urgency.

biwinoone · 17/03/2020 23:06

I don't know how much you DH generally helps around the house as that might be the actual issue for you. When my DH works from home he is still working and I do not disturb him or let my child disturb him. He is not home to look after the kid, he is working. I have to make lunches anyway so that's not an issue.

As for when he told the 3 yo to wait, why did you go down? He is right, he needs to learn to wait unless it something important. You shouldn't interfere when they are looking after their own children. This just gives them the signal that whatever they do is not good enough anyway so why bother. Let them be and figure out themselves. They are not going to starve their children or hurt them on purpose unless they are monsters.

Ekefox · 18/03/2020 05:44

Knox what would be the issue with taking the kids out to play in a field?? Obviously you avoid softplay and populated places but I've been home with a child with underling health issues for a while and the dog still needs walking and DC still needs to burn energy off. An empty field with no one around isn't going to spread a virus!

ChillinInMyBacta · 18/03/2020 05:53

A lot of relationships in the coming months will be evaluated and be found wanting. It will all come down to what you are prepared to accept, and how much you both will compromise and pull together. I would take a proactive approach and tackle it now before it festers.

probablysue · 18/03/2020 06:06

He makes his own lunch. You’re not his catering service. If he was in the office he’d have to do his own lunch so you carry on as if he was in the office. 9-5 you have no contact with him. From 5 onwards he does what he would normally do, come downstairs (home) and take over childcare. You shouldn’t have to be looking after the kids 24/7. He’s a parent too.

dontdisturbmenow · 18/03/2020 07:05

You undermine him being poorly, when he actually had a fever yet you are cross with him for not giving you attention when all you needed was to go out for fresh air to feel better?

Sounds like the problem is you can't cope with 5 kids and you are taking out on him. So what if him cooking was a simple task? Surely the whole point is him doing something to feed the family that evening?

You have 5 children, life is going to be very hard. He needs to work and things are probably quite stressful for him too. No need to take it in eachother when you need more than ever to work as a team.

Personally I would never have had 5 children because I wouldn't have wanted that level of stress. Seat down together when you're calmer and try to be productive as to the decide it chores in the house and stick to it.

Weebitawks · 18/03/2020 07:06

It's hard but also your DH does need to understand how lucky he has it. I have to work from home now and I'll have my toddler with me and then if the school closes I'll have both. So I'll be trying to do my normal work, while looking after/feeding the kids.

glueandstick · 18/03/2020 09:51

He’s at home not incapacitated. Mine is at home and currently shoving the washing on with our 5 year old whilst I have 10mins peace in the shower before I take over as sort lunch/activities. We’ll have lunch as a family and then crack on with the afternoon.

Sceptre86 · 18/03/2020 10:52

I am going to go against the grain and say am not sure why you are complaining. Is this any different to how he usually behaves? If it is then he is being unreasonable if not then you are. My dh is working from home for the foreseeable he fed the kids breakfast whilst I got ready, I made him a coffee to have on a conference call and he will help feed them lunch on his lunch break. I will deal with them for the rest of the day as he is working and I am not. I will cook dinner and more than likely he will do the dishes and help put the kids to bed. We separate tasks in a way that works for us. Maybe your annoyance at your oh is compounded by the fact he is home, either way discuss it rationally.

ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo · 18/03/2020 12:21

Anything that he does for himself, in his own working day, he should continue to do for himself now he's at home. That includes making his own lunch.

Anything that you do, when he's at work, you should continue to do whilst he's at work (even if he's in the house).

If you still have an issue with the division of chores outside of his working hours, then address that. His company isn't paying him to look after his own children.

Original poster

NoKnit · 18/03/2020 12:55

There have been some great replies and food for thought here, aspects I hadn't thought of.

Personally I would never have had 5 children because I wouldn't have wanted that level of stress.

Yes there is an extreme lack of comprehension and ability to read by quite a few on this thread, previous poster was right. I never said I have 5 children because I don't. I have 2.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoKnit · 18/03/2020 12:57

@dontdisturbmenow

I should have added not only is comprehension but reading it again quite a lot of you post doesn't make sense. If you are dyslexic or English isn't your first language I do apologise.

OP posts:

dontdisturbmenow · 18/03/2020 14:01

My total apology for having read you had 5 children. If you have two though I don't really get the issue.

Surely he is working like he would if in the office so why should he do more because he is at home? If anything he probably has to cope with more dealing with issues that were not present before.

If he is doing less when back in good health, fair enough.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 18/03/2020 14:06

Is it really not worth you working OP? With 2 kids you might not bring much in now, but you could break even and you would be getting a pension for yourself plus once kids are at school your family finances would really improve

LolaSmiles · 18/03/2020 14:20

As far as I'm concerned working from home is just that, working from home. Not do some work and then then give the SAHP a break because the children are at home.

However, with the working from home side of things, it is reasonable to have tea break/lunch breaks and also to start and end work at the normal time, not fill the time saved on commuting avoiding family tasks.

DH is working from home. We eat lunch together as a family (it would be petty for me to not make him some when I'm doing it anyway) and if I need to get on then he takes his tea break to coincide so he can have DC and I can get something done, but he is working and I'd not expect him to be doing my side of things just because he is in the house.

Ninkanink · 18/03/2020 14:49

My DH works from home twice a week (every day atm, obviously) and I make him lunch because the nature of his job is that he can’t always take a firm lunch break, and he needs to keep his mind in the zone for the complex work he does. However if i need him to do me a favour or run an errand on his WFH days he willingly does so if he possibly can, as long as his work schedule allows.

He is also always appreciative of me and the things I do for him, respectful of my contributions to our household, and absolutely pulls his weight in cleaning/tidying/cooking/admin/mental load. If he was a selfish, entitled man who treated me like a skivvy and demanded I do all shitwork/wifework/parenting/etc, and thought he could shove a precooked meal into the oven and legitimately consider that his job done as far as cooking was concerned for two whole weeks, I’d certainly tell him straight out to make his own lunch every day.

But then he’d be on thin ice anyway if he had that attitude - I absolutely won’t be undervalued by someone who’s meant to love and respect me.

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