Please Help - I Really Need Some Outside Perspective

[MummyGoingItAlone]

I don’t know what to do :( I’m really stressed and upset.

I’ve recently become a single mum. I rent a decent house in an OK area. I pay for everything myself. I have no real luxuries so cannot save any money by cancelling anything. I have a car but it’s paid for so it’s only the running costs, which are minimal. I pay full time nursery fees of £1073 a month. I earn £43k a year and pretty much work all waking hours during the week. My salary barely covers my outgoings. I hardly ever see my son. I hate my job. It is such a negative environment and I mostly spend my days dealing with things that have happened before my time (usually unpaid bills) my boss is super flexible and generous but she is also epically needy and negative. I don’t achieve anything, ever. It’s always firefighting and I don’t agree with a lot of things she does. Today has been truly awful and I’ve spent most of the afternoon fighting tears and I’ve had enough.

What are my options, honestly? I’m skint and I know in 18 months I’ll get my 30 hours free, but I’d have been worked into the ground by then and missed my sons toddler years.

I don’t want to be a single mum on benefits and will always work in some capacity or another but I cannot sustain my current situation.

I just don’t know what to do 😩 how do single parents survive? I just can’t see a way out

Anybody? 😕😥

If you resign you wont be entitled to benefits so that's not an option.

Write up your CV and start looking for a new job.

Hello @MummyGoingItAlone

Yes, you sound very upset and stressed, I am so sorry to hear how you’re feeling right now.
It certainly sounds as if you’ve been very courageous, and you are getting near to breaking point.

Let me tell you, there is always another way.

You’re in too deep to see a clear way right now. I don’t have an answer for you, apart from the fact I’ve heard you and I don’t want you to feel alone.
There will be some good souls coming along in just a minute!
Hang on there, lovely!

Its tough. Once your childcare ends you will be better off.

The reality is you either live a bare bones life on benefits or you keep doing what your doing.

Try to make the most of evenings, weekends and start looking for the positives.

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this.

Is your job in the kind of role or industry that you want to work in? do you have qualifications? Would you want your boss's job?

What contributes to the negative atmosphere?

Unfortunately now is not a great time to resign/ find another job. We're now facing real economic uncertainty due to the big C, so if you can make your job into one you enjoy then that may be a great deal safer in the short/medium term.

Hello again @MummyGoingItAlone

I think, first and foremost, you need some breathing space, and very fast.

The most important priorities are YOU, yes YOU and your son.
This is a recent change, not great, but as with everything, will change again.
I read that you want things to change, but you’re unsure how to proceed. Your work is definitely a problem. You miss seeing your son growing up, I guess you feel trapped and bewildered right now.
You do need to get some support for both of you, and this is a priority.
Who do you have around or near that can help you practically? Parents? Siblings? Friends? Neighbours?
You may need to think about getting signed off work, or unpaid parental leave. This will give you breathing space.
But don’t forget, you have been through a lot recently.
Breathe first. You’re here, you’re ok. The answers will come.

Could you go part time- either at your current work or a new job? By dropping half your hours (and pay) you’d reduce your childcare costs and may be eligible for some help from universal credit towards covering the remaining amount.
You need a bit of a maths degree to work it out but it takes account of rent, childcare and personal allowance then deduct anything your earn over a set amount.
My salary is just u see 20k, and I don’t get much - but it mostly covers the childminder fees.
If part time is an option try one of the online calculators and see if dropping your hours would work for you.

What's your role at work? Are there things you can quietly implement to make it less firefighting & feel more in control? (while you look for other jobs). Make a list of bills that need paying regularly & put the dates in yours & her calendar, with reminders 2days before. Have a spreadsheet of what's outstanding & therefore urgent now, to make you feel you're getting somewhere when you colour code green for paid etc. If your boss is crap, there are lots of little things things that help (trust me, been there got t shirt with bad tempered chaotic bosses) 5min daily catch up re pending & urgent etc (don't diarise if she's likely to flap or get arsey at being 'managed', just make it an informal habit).

I would never resign without a new job, I’ll just put that out there.

I like the concept of where I work/ what I do but my boss has a bad reputation in the field. A really bad reputation that I am really just starting to see. I don’t agree with how she sometimes operates. New clients question me, current clients all have beefs with her, the majority of our service providers have issues. It’s just a constant shit storm. There have been a couple of occasions where the police have been involved. It’s just all too much. She throws more money at me to keep me sweet but it’s reached the point where money doesn’t cut it anymore.

I don’t want to wake up one day and regret missing out on my sons toddlers years so I could hold her and her shit together 🥺

I speak to my boss a lot during the day. She works from home but is very needy and needs to talk/vent a lot. She’s the type who constantly pulls you from one thing to another and then bollocks you for not doing the first thing.

Ive tried everything to help her out, but she’s just one of a kind.

I’ve only ever paid childcare 3 days a week. My now ex worked shifts so he’d have him 2 days a week (this isn't now possible). When I decided to move on, my sister offered me the 2 days childcare but let me down after a couple of weeks. So now I’m in this situation and don’t know what to do.
My mum is terminally ill so mum and dad can’t help. I’m new in this area so don’t know neighbours but it’s not the nicest area unfortunately so I wouldn’t go there.

I’m very aware finding a new job right now would be impossible.

My boss asked if I’d consider doing 16 hours with her, which could be an option but I know it would end up being much much more and I’d still have to deal with her bullshit.

I’m so lost

Part of the reason why you feel lost is because you are so enmeshed with your boss and her emotional drama. So work on putting some effective boundaries in place at work, and whatever you do, don't let her in to your personal life.

Try first to set out your priorities. Is to enjoy your job more or is it to have more time with your son. The first option is more complicated so let’s go through the second one - to have more time with your son. This means you need to reduce your hours. You will therefore have less available money, which means maybe renting a place that is not quite as nice, in an area that is not as good as where you are now. By your clothes (& baby’s) from charity shops. Cut down on food costs by making cheaper meals. There are lots of ways to live cheaper - probably lots of advice on mumsnet! But please do be aware that you always have choices - you just need to take back some control of your life & make some hard decisions.
I offer this advice with the kindest of intentions & from the perspective of many years of making hard choices. 💐

Does your boss have a boss?

No, it’s just her, her partner and me.

I can’t go in like this. I’d rather have time with my son than be unhappy at work.

He’s only 20 months and could obviously see tonight that I was sad. He sat next to me, put his arm round my neck, pulled me into him and stroked my hair. My heart melted and I knew then he was my priority

I think you desperately need a new job. Obviously we don't know the industry you're in so it's hard to say just how realistic an option that is in the current climate. However I think it's definitely what you should be aiming towards. Polish up your CV and start looking!

Everything will seem easier when you dump the emotionally draining boss. You really don't need that shit in your life, you've enough to be dealing with OP.

A new, pleasant working environment will relieve so much stress and will reduce the overwhelm so you feel more equipped to tackle other areas that need attention.

You sound like a lovely mum. It won't be this way forever, keep looking forward

Hello, you have had some great advice already. I'm not going to give advice, just perspective.

To your child, no matter how many hours you spend together, you are their world. You are mum and dad in one person. You are the provider, you put bread on the table. You're a role model. You're also a carer, a playmate, a giver-of-rules, a giver-of-love. You decide what clothes to buy, what treats to give, what TV/music/books will become favourite, what hairstyles will be worn, what traditions you will have. You are there during sickness and birthdays. You are the tooth fairy. You are Santa. You are, when all is said and done, the most important person on the planet. And you are not missing out. You have simply structured your child's world in the most practical way possible.

When you look back on these years you will have some regrets. That's parenting. It's a given. Parenting comes with a bucket into which The Tap Of Guilt constantly drips.

Right now you sound extremely stressed about work,but let me take a load off your mind. There's nothing to worry about regarding your child missing out. Nursery is a great environment for a child- friends, learning, getting out into the world. My own DD thrived in full time nursery, and I don't have a single regret.

Be kind to yourself. xx

OP, I am so sorry you are feeling like this, just want to add, in 4 months (when your DS turns 2) you will be entitled to 15 hours free childcare, so that should ease the burden a bit. Also if your boss is flexible, that helps loads, not all employers are so accomodating. Try and focus on the positives for the moment. You can do this!

The 15 free hours childcare at 2years only applies to those on very low income so OP is unlikely to be eligible. I cut down to working 3 days a week and have a better work life balance but still feel the same sometimes. I'm retaining in something I can build up as a self employed business so I can set my own hours, earn more but work less. Could you do this as a long term goal? If there something else you would like to do?

Sorry to hear you having problems but 43k is a good salary. Give yourself some time and then think about your options perhaps moving to a smaller place.

HathorX

I'm afraid I don't agree with your advice at all. A good relationship with your child isn't a given. The Op feels she is missing out and wants to spend more time with her 2 year old child. How can you say Op isn't missing out if she says she is? Sounds like your just referencing your own decisions and situation.

Op I hope you can get some space. It sounds like your incredibly stressed and as others have said taking on your bosses drama. Maybe see your GP and see about getting some time off work to give you some breathing space so you can work out what's best for your and your child and ways you can achieve it whatever you decide.

@HathorX I just Made a screenshot of your reply. Every parent should read it. Thank you.

OP, take a screenshot too and print it out and read it everyday - it’s amazing advice and all you need to remember x

Hi OP can you go off sick for a week or so to get some space.
Look at a website called entitled to - it would help you see if you would get any benefit entitlement if you work less hours.

Obviously given the recent events over the news your situation may change re work and childcare provision. That’s if you are in a country that’s affected by the virus.
Try to minimise the contact with your boss.
Look up strategies to reduce the conversation.
Don’t try and help her - say “oh that’s tough - or yes I see. I hope you get what I mean.
You son loves you - he sounds happy enough.
How’s his Dad supporting you?
Does he pay maintenance?
Take care

Could you give your boss the 'things need to change or I leave' speech? Suggest some new ways of working, to overcome common issues?
Perhaps go through the important and urgent, important but not urgent, not important or urgent so ditch it, method? Schedule meetings to limit the time spent on random outpourings?

How long have you worked there and has she gone through multiple people in your role? Is she likely to take constructive input or just fire you?

It sounds like it could be a good job, decent pay and possibly flexible, but obviously if a lot of the time at work is wasted so you're not working efficiently, that's obviously a big downside. Could you also cut down your daytime hours or days to reduce childcare costs and routinely work in the evening while your child is in bed?

What hours do you work? You say that your boss throws money at you to keep you, could you have a chat to her about your work life balance and request early finishes or late starts, say, two days a week? My kids are at their best in the mornings so I try to go in a bit later than most people so that I have an hour in the mornings where we're not just rushing get ready. That makes all the difference to me.

Alternatively, could you look into only working four days a week? That's what I do and having that day one on one with my toddler makes a huge difference.

Not sure if these suggestion help or not as shorter time survival strategies (until a new job is an option) but what about if you cut down to 4 days a week and found a lovely childminder instead of nursery which are typically much cheaper, The salary cut, saving 1 day a week childcare and cheaper child care, less fuel etc would mean a minimal loss of salary but also give you an extra day home with your son and better work life balance. We chose a cm over a nursery and still absolutely love her 10 years on and with added bonus it’s cheaper.

Are there any process changes you can persuade your boss to put in place to make things better?

Can you be stricter in terms of not doing extra hours?