To ask what you do if your in laws don’t like you?

[HighlandSpring101]

Mine have never actually come out and said they don’t like me, but none are particularly warm towards me. You know when you just get that gut instinct? I’m largely ignored by them all and to be honest I mostly just try and avoid them.

They live the other side of the country though so when we do see them it’s for prolonged periods of time with either them staying with us or us staying with them.

We visited them this weekend and tbh I just found it awkward and boring. I tried to be chatty and talk to everyone, ask how they are etc but getting convo from them is like pulling teeth and I honestly just thought, what’s the point of me being here? MIL is mostly okay, but I find her a bit overbearing sometimes. SIL just ignores me, she’ll say hello and that’s it. FIL, pretty much the same as SIL.

I’ve spoken to DH about it at length over the years, I can’t be arsed bringing it up anymore. My family are all so nice to him, there’s genuine warmth and love there from them to him. There’s genuine warmth and love in DH’s family too, but only to each other, oh and SIL’s husband. He can do no wrong (he just ignores me too most of the time) It can’t be anything I’ve done as they’ve been like it since the first time I met them, they’re just very odd people. My friends and family have met them and say the same, something very off about them but that doesn’t help me when I’m 5 hours drive away, in PIL’s house with everyone just ignoring me or being curt/ cold towards me.

As I’ve said, I largely avoid them so now only see them once or twice a year. But whenever I do, like this weekend, it just reminds me how uncomfortable I feel around them. I guess I’m wondering how other people cope with in-laws that don’t like them, if they do have to spend time with them?

Life is too short to hang out with people who ignore you. Let your dh handle the visits and you relax at home

That would be ideal, but it’s just not really feasible. It would cause a massive rift and so much pain for my DH if I said I want to go completely N/C with his family. There’s never been any major arguements or anything so it would just seem really dramatic and make me look like the bad guy.

I just found this weekend really difficult. I felt really lonely and fed up, bored. Just didn’t want to be there by the end. I hardly ever go and visit them with DH as 1) I don’t have to see them and 2) DH can then relax and not have to worry about me. But I couldn’t get out of this weekend. They were all talking about coming down to visit us for Easter bank hol (corona virus dependent) and my heart just sank. It’s a lot easier when they’re down with us as it’s my house/area so I can escape if I want to, but yes, I feel really resentful about having to put people up that treat me as though I’m some sort of accessory.

I wouldn’t waste my time with them. Let dh go by himself and you go do something more pleasant.

'It would cause a massive rift and so much pain for my DH if I said I want to go completely N/C with his family.'

Op Avoiding visits and just doing essential pleasantries is not going 'completely N/C'

I could have written your post, I totally understand how you feel. I cope by minimising contact. Not much help I know 🤷‍♀️

I have this with my SIL and BIL but luckily my PIL are great so it’s not such an issue. I don’t have any advice but the way I see it you have a few options:

A) accept they don’t like you/ aren’t interested in you and slowly start to withdraw from them until you eventually have virtually no contact (least dramatic)
B) get your DH talk to them about it, either in terms of asking what their problem is or asking them to include you more
C) love bomb them to see if they respond well (ie for a set period of time, really go out of your way to befriend them - call/text often, send them little gifts, invite them round etc.)
D) accept not everyone has the best relationship with their in-laws and just keep the status quo.

A would be the easiest and would probably most likely give you a fairly neutral outcome, but not the one you are looking for. B could well end up being a disaster or at least make things worse. C might not work but probably wouldn’t make things worse so I’d personally go for that, followed by A if C doesn’t work. D doesn’t seem to be making you very happy so probably best to do something.

I just wouldn't go. Wouldnt really care if it caused massive rift. If your dh doesn't have the backbone to tell his family to be a bit nicer to you, or at least engage in some conversation, then I don't think I would be too bothered how he felt. He's clearly not that bothered how you are feeling.

You can't change how they feel. They sound rude and cold. I agree with others stay home and relax, I wouldn't be bothered maybe then they'll realise you have feeling's too.

My exh’s family hated me . At first I tried but they were awful so I refused to visit meaning that ex went on his own with DC. I then found out that they were saying terrible things about me to DC so I refused to let them visit .

It was a relief when we spilt . They showed no interest in DC after that.
Look after yourself.

What to do if your in-laws don't like you? Celebrate, that's what you do, because it means you have done something right and you don't have to see them!

What does your DH say/Do about it?

It really doesn't matter if they like you or not OP, you don't have to see them much. Be polite and friendly when you do meet, and OH can do visits on his own.

I have been in the situation with my ex, I can't say it was unduly worrying for me- you marry the man not his family.

You don't go near them, that's what you do. Who cares if it causes a rift, a rift with who anyway?

Let your dh go and you do something else, life is far too short to spend weekends with people who don't like you or make any effort.

Keep doing what you have been doing. I am in the same boat and like you said earlier, not going there is no option for me too and it is not fair on my husband. It is their family and they like eachother.

I always try to plan someting nice around the time I am there with them, pop in to a shops I like to go at their home town... ours PIL are rural so i go crazy on visiting farms shops nd buying eggs, fruit/veg.. so it keeps me busy and focused on that.

When staying with them, I call my friends and family alot during the day so i dont fell isolated. I sometimes text to my friend to "call me" and when they do I go to our room for a chat and it shaves another 15 min of the day

Clear your photos from the phone ... do some life admin... knit ... craft... keep yourself busy... or work... a crisis at work is always an excuse to open up the laptop for few hours...

I like my in laws and wish I had better relations with them but... it is what it is...

Has your dh said anything to them about it?
You shouldn't have to go somewhere with people who aren't nice to you

Things change over time. Major life events like ill-health affecting someone, new baby or babies. So this present set up won't continue indefinitely (though of course it could get worse!!).

I would suspect that it is not really you but some long term issue with DH. Is his sis the golden child so no one that DH chooses will be good enough. So it's probably not anything you can change. I would treat myself to a new best seller or start a new fitness regime involving long early walks - or similar so you can justify getting out of the house or passing the time pleasantly.

1. send DP up slightly earlier 1/2 days before so he can spend quality time alone with them.
2. If you go by rail book the return for 1pm or so on Sunday (so you can sort out washing etc before monday)
3. Take gym and go for a run
4. Find a spa and take yourself off
5. Go "run some errands" and take the long way back to the house.
6. Read a really "engrossing book"
7. Send DP up alone for the odd trip now and then.

I think what I found most hard to deal with was their lack of clarity about their son.He is with the best will in the world crap at keeping in touch,present buying,anything to sustain a relationship with them but despite all his failings that must have been there over the years,when we got married they turned it all on me.So it became my fault there were no visits,my fault there were no cards and presents for birthays and I never even knew when the dates were...but it seemed easier for them to project his failings on me and excuse him totally of any responsibility.Infact it was said that as a wife it was my job to ensure all the above to help their son,,,errr sory I dont think so!!! He was useless for 46 yrs way before I met him but suddenly he turned faultless and it was me! You couldnt make it up, I soon realised I married him and not them so took not one bit of notice!

Are you sure they actively dislike you, or are they just not talking to you because they don't have anything to say to you?

My inlaws and I think totally differently. We communicate totally differently. I don't think either of us are horrible, but find each other's way of talking really dull. We just aren't on the same wavelength.

My PIL's are divorced but neither like me, for the same reason - they didn't send their precious boy to private school, in order for him to meet and marry a common comprehensive school girl like me! Oh and to add insult to their injury, I'm northern, with a strong accent! They both told him outright and he of course told me! I wouldn't mind, but when they first told him they didn't like me, they hadn't even met me!!

DH and I find it funny really and luckily we all live in a different country to each other so visits are very rare. Their loss... I'm luvverly!!

My inlaws and I think totally differently. We communicate totally differently. I don't think either of us are horrible, but find each other's way of talking really dull. We just aren't on the same wavelength.

That's what I was thinking, especially if the OP has a more effusive family way.

Your DH is happy to watch his family treat you this way? Has he never pulled them up on it? Are you expected to cook and clean after three twats when they invite themselves to your house?

My mother-in-law is lovely but on the rare occasion she makes a dodgy remark to me, DH pulls her up on it straightaway. If anything, it’s me telling him to go easy on MIL.

In fairness, we’re very different people, I have little in common with them, our personalities are so different. I enjoy being around warm, funny people that make me laugh, that have good chat and interesting stories etc. They are just so dull. Absolute zero chat/ personality. Their idea of an exciting conversation is talking about the price of a joint of pork in Sainsbury’s, or talking endlessly about SIL and SIL’s children. Literally, for about 5 hours straight (SIL & children all present) that’s what happened at the weekend. There wasn’t one conversation that didn’t revolve around them and there’s only so much interest I can pay to someone else’s children. Especially if that person has never taken any slight interest in my life. I feel resentful almost about having to fawn over them all.

I just get on with it all though, with a smile on my face (probably looks forced but what’s the alternative)

As I’ve said, I try and avoid them wherever possible. I used to see them 4-5 x a year. Now it’s just once or twice which obviously makes things easier but not easier for when I actually have to see them.

I wouldn’t normally give anyone that didn’t like me the time of day, so I really resent spending time with them, it’s demeaning.

DH keeps saying ‘don’t be silly, of course they like you.’ When I say, really, because I was with them for a whole 48 hours and the only conversation I got was conversation I had to drag out of them, and even that was limited, it makes the whole thing very unenjoyable and pointless for me. He just says ‘well they’re just wrapped up in each other, we’re a close family. It’s nothing personal.’ I felt like saying yes, but they see each other every.single.day, they see me once or twice a year. Most people I know would at least have the manners to go and make 5 minutes of one to one conversation with someone if they’d driven nearly 5 hours to spend the weekend with them! And as for SIL who throws me dirty looks the whole time and will barely mutter a hello the entire weekend, well. Rude.

If PIL are really different personality to you then I would just stop going.

But I definitely wouldn't tolerate SIL giving me dirty looks. I would have to say something there and then - put her on the spot and ask her does she have a problem with you.

That might hasten the end of your visit

I had that with an ex. His mother was a complete dragon and had I not attended the (thankfully few) family events would have made his life awful, so I did it for him.

So I sucked it up and feigned a deep interest in whatever she liked and got face cramp from the rictus grin I plastered on. Exhausting.

(Like you, my family genuinely liked him and made him feel welcome and loved so it was pretty hard)