To ask what you do if your in laws don’t like you?

[HighlandSpring101]

Mine have never actually come out and said they don’t like me, but none are particularly warm towards me. You know when you just get that gut instinct? I’m largely ignored by them all and to be honest I mostly just try and avoid them.

They live the other side of the country though so when we do see them it’s for prolonged periods of time with either them staying with us or us staying with them.

We visited them this weekend and tbh I just found it awkward and boring. I tried to be chatty and talk to everyone, ask how they are etc but getting convo from them is like pulling teeth and I honestly just thought, what’s the point of me being here? MIL is mostly okay, but I find her a bit overbearing sometimes. SIL just ignores me, she’ll say hello and that’s it. FIL, pretty much the same as SIL.

I’ve spoken to DH about it at length over the years, I can’t be arsed bringing it up anymore. My family are all so nice to him, there’s genuine warmth and love there from them to him. There’s genuine warmth and love in DH’s family too, but only to each other, oh and SIL’s husband. He can do no wrong (he just ignores me too most of the time) It can’t be anything I’ve done as they’ve been like it since the first time I met them, they’re just very odd people. My friends and family have met them and say the same, something very off about them but that doesn’t help me when I’m 5 hours drive away, in PIL’s house with everyone just ignoring me or being curt/ cold towards me.

As I’ve said, I largely avoid them so now only see them once or twice a year. But whenever I do, like this weekend, it just reminds me how uncomfortable I feel around them. I guess I’m wondering how other people cope with in-laws that don’t like them, if they do have to spend time with them?

I got together with my DH over 30 years ago and was never accepted by my ILs. My FIL died over 20 years ago, so only my MIL now. The last time I spoke to her was about 4 years ago - but as she lives 6 hours away, that is just as well. I don't text her.
I have always been polite and respectful in their company, despite many provocations. Mind you, I really regret this now. I wish on occasions I had confronted things at the time. BUT I can be proud that I have always held the moral high ground.
It's not easy but just bide your time.

I hear you, I hear you!

It's hard work, isn't it. I also feel resentful for many reasons. I've wasted years thinking about what we could all do to change and make it better but I've realised that actually they don't want to change so it will never get any better. They are happy just thinking I'm the odd one.

My only advice is to keep limiting contact as much as you can. When the frustration builds up too much I have to intensely focus on my own life totally separate from anything to do with them and that balances me out again.

Good luck!

I feel for you OP. My exes parents clearly didn't like me, but were other side of the country so it was only practical to have visits of a week or so. Which meant taking annual leave to go and spend time with people who clearly only tolerated me. It was a case of losing out on holiday with my ex if I didn't go, so I used to suck it up and spend most of the time reading or crafting!

Oh I had this problem for years! It bothered me for a while and I used to try really hard then I just gave up and stopped stressing about it! My Mum used to say, it could be worse you could have am interfering overbearing MIL and I suppose she was right.

My FIL is dead now and I actually get on a bit better with my MIL now, I think he was quite controlling which didn’t help things.

I have not read this, but I am totally there!
I will read now

I was told by my FiL that I was not his daughter and his daughters would deal with him.

Your DH really doesn't get it, does he?

I suggest he visits on his own.

My dear MIL sadly passed away. She was my anchor in DHs family.
I am NC with FIL and DHs SM who have always been passive-aggressive towatds me, despite my DH (like yours) trying to minimise the obvious frosty atmosphere. I encourage DH to maintain a good relationship with his DF and to visit regularly and keep in contact. I however, refuse to see DFIL and DSMIL. Op, life is too short, if they don't appreciate your company, why bother? Could you have DH and DC visit your PIL by themselves? When they come to yours, could you suggest an Airbnb?

Mine don't like me. They judge me for being overweight and also think I'm lazy because I'm a SAHM. I significantly reduced contact with all of them and don't have any of them on my social media.

I’m largely ignored by them all and to be honest I mostly just try and avoid them.

Maybe, just maybe, they're wondering why you go out of your way to avoid them?

This was me! I endured it for several years but then I just sent dh on his own, or dh with dc. Life is too short to waste time on people like that.

Yes this is me too! I don't think there's anything really wrong with my DH's family, it's just we totally don't get each other. They want me to be really maternal and stay at home, I don't understand why they disapprove of any way of doing things that isn't 'theirs'. We don't argue (although MIL has said some fairly rude things to me in the past, when no-one else was listening). But I gave up thinking any of it mattered many years ago. It really doesn't. There used to be resentment on both sides, but I don't think there is any now. It's just accepted that we aren't each other's cup of tea and visits are minimal.

MIL is ill now, and when DH went to visit I said I wasn't going because she really wouldn't want to see me, if visits are limited to only a few people. DH half heartedly said 'that's not true'. I said 'we both know it is' and he decided not to push it .

It does sound like you are on really different wavelengths, and also, that you are judgemental over what you find interesting and what they find interesting. I wonder if they are perhaps thinking the same as you but in a different way. I have a similarish situation, and it helped me to stop focusing on them and look at why I was feeling so angry and uncomfortable around them. That's not easy stuff to look at but no one else 'makes' us feel anything.

My in laws don’t particularly like me as I give my genuine opinion when it is requested (in laws are In India and initially I didn’t realise they were ‘asking’ my opinion because they expected me to just agree with what they did!). I have slowly started to distance myself from them and their dramatics. Life is far too short!

Kill them with kindness

You just deal with them when you’re forced to really and forget about it the rest of the time.

Get a dpuppy op.
A great excuse to stay home when dh goes off visiting...

He just says ‘well they’re just wrapped up in each other, we’re a close family. It’s nothing personal.’

He would rather see you upset than them and he’s also happy to bask in the affection of your family.

He sounds very irritating.

And for God’s sake stop making conversation with them! You making the conversation let’s them get away with being rude to you because they can say ‘hey, Highland doesn’t mind how we treat her’. Let them feel how rude they are by not making conversation.

But ideally you shouldn’t let people who ignore you into your home.

Take a book with you, say hello and enjoy your life! Ask for tea :)

See them as rarely as you can without causing upset and if they ignore you after you've tried to talk to them could you mumsnet? At least you'd be less bored

Take a back seat.
I don't think there's much you can do, other than have it out with them, which they will probably deny anyway.

I've had similar for 7 years , I know they don't like me or approve of me for DH.
It's been said to me 'not good enough for My son, you've landed on your feet, oh and recently BIL told DH that I've got no aspirations'

Well actually... I've got a first class honours in nursing, and a beautiful baby. 2 huge aspirations in my life!

I'm minimising contact now.
I have been for a while for Mil, I'll be pleasant if she is, but not over the top or anything extra!

Sorry NRTWT

My mother has pretty much blanked my partner since we met 20yrs ago. Is also stone cold towards our son.
Needless I don’t visit. Life is now better. I never want to see her again and my mind is made up I won’t attend her funeral either.
I feel nothing for her..nothing
No love No hate..Nothing

He just says ‘well they’re just wrapped up in each other, we’re a close family. It’s nothing personal.’

Then they don't need you hanging around, do they?
In your shoes I'd choose between:

1. next visit being hugely needy and clingy of DH and his time. Never leave his side, need entertaining by him, not a second apart apart from toilet breaks and then I'd rush up to him and make sure he knew the time away was excruciatingly painful because I'm so needy of his attention

2. never bother going to visit them. (preferred option) given that they're so wrapped up in each other they won't notice. and your DH can devote 100% of his time to them.

you can decide which and you can decide, if you pick 1, how much of this you reveal to him before you go...

Use it as a chance to do stuff you like, great book, shopping trip, manicure, explore nice places nearby:on pretext you need something if you think they'll be offended. It'll break the visit up. And leave by 2pm on last day so that's not a whole day. I'd be v interested in the pp idea of love bombing. I tried it with a work colleague who loathed me but I needed to work with. She did thaw, which helped with workdays hugely. I'd bring her a cupcake too if I treated myself , complimented her outfit, asked if she wanted coffee while I was making one.