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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband coming home drunk

44 replies

Ohdearymeshame · 13/03/2020 22:56

I'm 58 and husband 60. Been together 30 years. Children grown up,

I grew up with an alcoholic father. Horrible childhood. Absolutely dreaded when he came home drunk. Violence and arguments. The later he came home the worse it was.

I've never drank for this reason.

Husband knows all this and one of the things I told him when we met. I cannot stand sitting in the house waiting for someone to come home drunk. Had counselling etc but that fear and also resent and anger is so deep,

So. Husband goes out with mates once a fortnight for a drink. Doesn't usually get drunk but once every few times it gets later and I know what's coming. He's not violent or anything but it's the smell and stumbling about and slurred words. Makes me so angry and hurt.

I just want to scream 'it's the one thing I ask',

I know IABU and it's my problem but I'm sitting waiting dreading him coming home.

I hate it. Hate it.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 13/03/2020 23:00

I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable if he’s a reasonable drunk, doesn’t behave badly and only goes out twice a month when you have no small children.

I understand why you feel like you do but you need to deal with your issues.

N0tfinished · 13/03/2020 23:02

Oh, I sympathise but at the same time he's not really doing anything very wrong. It's pretty normal to meet friends & socialise in the pub.

You have the right to feel safe though. Could he stay the night somewhere else those nights? Family or friends?

When the Covid 19 crisis is over (touch wood) maybe it would be a good idea to get some counseling or CBT. This is causing you a lot of distress & affecting your relationship. Xx

Pukkatea · 13/03/2020 23:02

He hasn't done anything wrong. You are being unreasonable to impose those sorts of restrictions on him. I understand why you feel the way you do but your husband is not your father and shouldn't pay for his actions.

itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 13/03/2020 23:04

Sorry but YABU.
He is not your father. That doesn't sound excessive. He does not have to pay for mistakes of another man.

You should absolutely take care of yourself and get help for what you had to endure.

TheQueens · 13/03/2020 23:04

I really feel for you, I can some what relate from experiences in a past relationship although you have definitely had a rougher time of it. I don't think you can expect your partner not to go out once every couple of weeks with friends and have a few drinks. Maybe there are other ways around this, could he stay with friends on the nights he goes out? Could you try and have an early night (I know your mind will be racing though so perhaps not...) I'm sure there will be a way to get around this but I do hope you're ok and he's home soon not too drunk.

BlessMeDarkFather · 13/03/2020 23:06

I understand how you feel, grew up with alcoholic mother and I can't stand drunk people, but you can't expect people not to enjoy a drink and get drunk because you don't like it, it's not like he's doing it all the time could you take yourself of to bed so you don't have to see him drunk? And maybe get some help with these feelings as it's affecting you Flowers

Pandamoore · 13/03/2020 23:07

Do you have a spare room you could hang in and watch tv? And sleep in? Just on those nights. Make it your own special night to pamper yourself too. Maybe do something different from the routine like learn a language or something. Keep headphones on. Basically just don't see him at all those evenings, either when he is leaving or getting home. Maybe put music on loud when you hear him get in.

Mummyshark2018 · 13/03/2020 23:08

I think yabu and are letting your own issues cloud your judgement. Unless he's coming home aggressive, literally falling in the door then I think you need to lighten up. He's not your father. I get that your worried and I am too when my dh goes out, only because I can't settle until everyone's in and doors bolted but could you take yourself to bed/ spare room and try and relax? X

Cambionome · 13/03/2020 23:09

That sounds really horrible for you op and I totally sympathise. Flowers

skippy67 · 13/03/2020 23:10

YABU.

Original poster
Ohdearymeshame · 13/03/2020 23:10

It's such a deep rooted fear. That a drunk man in the house will attack you and something bad will happen. It's that blurred look in the eyes. I just hate it.

He'll be home soon and then it will be fine for a few months then there will be the drunk night again.

OP posts:
puds11 · 13/03/2020 23:11

YABU

Original poster
Ohdearymeshame · 13/03/2020 23:11

I know it's my problem. I really do. That it isn't rational or fair.

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 13/03/2020 23:12

I must admit, if my DP said he had an issue with me coming home a bit drunk once in a while I would not be impressed. I really get why you don’t like it, but that doesn’t make his behaviour wrong.

puds11 · 13/03/2020 23:14

Could you ask him to stay at a friends or you stay away on the nights it happens?

whiplashy · 13/03/2020 23:17

YABU

TARSCOUT · 13/03/2020 23:18

Totally understand where you are coming from, it never leaves you, not even with lots of counselling. The best you can do is to put coping strategies on place. Do you have a room you could sleep in the nights he goes out? Could you put a lock on that door? .Yes your husband would hate that idea but this is about you. I get it.

Fr0g · 13/03/2020 23:24

i do understand how childhood stuff stays with you - but you;ve been with your husband thirty years, half you life, probably longer than you lived at home with your father - and from what you've said, partner has yet to come home abusive or violent.

Original poster
Ohdearymeshame · 13/03/2020 23:24

He's home and not too bad.

Feel much better now.

I know this is ridiculous but it never does leave you. That fear. Just horrid.

I feel such empathy for anyone who has grown up around substance abuse. The damage is long term.

OP posts:
itsallthedramaMickiloveit · 13/03/2020 23:35

OK. But are you going to do something about it? You don't have to live like this.

mondaypolomint · 13/03/2020 23:40

I know exactly what you mean. My ex DH was an alcoholic as was my grandad, and even now 22 years on I still get that fear if my DH is late home from the pub. The first time he went out for a works Xmas do I worked myself up into such a state that I went to pick him and I was so angry at the thought of him being drunk, well he wasn't to my shock and surprise.

My now DH has never been drunk even though he likes a drink but won't go over a set limit. We both like the ambiance of pubs and this is where we meet many of our friends. But the fear doesn't leave you

SinkGirl · 13/03/2020 23:41

I’m sorry that you’ve had a stream of people calling you unreasonable when you’re already upset. I don’t think you are, FWIW.

I would ask him to stay at a friends if he’s going to get drunk, if that’s possible. You’re not saying he can’t drink, just that you can’t stand to be around him when he’s drunk. Due to personal experiences I understand this. I have no issue with DH having a few drinks but pre-kids (when we had social lives!) I told him I’d really rather he stayed out if he’s really drunk.

The way some people are talking as though you are reacting this way on purpose or that you can easily fix it. Or that you’re being controlling - the fact that he’s still going out drinking regularly shows that you are nothing of the sort.

madcatladyforever · 13/03/2020 23:43

YANBU I cannot see that it is ok to come home shambolically drunk. Why does anyone need to get in that state after a night out? He can have a good time without being in a state.
Personally if he wants to get into that state he should stay out and sleep somewhere else. I hate it and there is no need for it.

hermionegranger · 13/03/2020 23:43

I empathise with you wholeheartedly, OP. I grew up with a violent alcoholic mother and it never, ever leaves you. The fear and completely out of proportion reactions to things that others find completely normal (I can't be in pubs due to the sound of glasses and bottles clinking for example) is hard for those without those experiences to understand.

I empathise but also agree (based on my own experience, too) that it's not reasonable to ask others close to you never to let their hair down a little because of this if they themselves have no issues with being drunk occasionally (and obviously if their drunken behaviour is within reason, as it seems your husband's is).

Totally understand the visceral fear that it ignites and you have my deepest sympathy. All we can do is try and slowly manage our trauma to give us more freedom from our past, without restricting the freedom of those around us.

Lots of love to you Flowers

KellyHall · 13/03/2020 23:49

I get it.

Don't sit around waiting, it makes something out of nothing before he even gets home. Go to see friends, do an overnight spa break, have such a busy day that you go to bed early and have a good sleep while he gets in and sleeps in a different room until his breath doesn't stink any more.

I realise it may feel like the only thing you ask of him but try and remind yourself of all the lovely things he is and does that you didn't even need to ask him.

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