Husband coming home drunk

[Ohdearymeshame]

I'm 58 and husband 60. Been together 30 years. Children grown up,

I grew up with an alcoholic father. Horrible childhood. Absolutely dreaded when he came home drunk. Violence and arguments. The later he came home the worse it was.

I've never drank for this reason.

Husband knows all this and one of the things I told him when we met. I cannot stand sitting in the house waiting for someone to come home drunk. Had counselling etc but that fear and also resent and anger is so deep,

So. Husband goes out with mates once a fortnight for a drink. Doesn't usually get drunk but once every few times it gets later and I know what's coming. He's not violent or anything but it's the smell and stumbling about and slurred words. Makes me so angry and hurt.

I just want to scream 'it's the one thing I ask',

I know IABU and it's my problem but I'm sitting waiting dreading him coming home.

I hate it. Hate it.

Thank you to those who have left such kind words. That has been very soothing.

My fondest thoughts to those who know what I'm talking about from personal experience

Precisely what Kellyhall says
Don’t sit waiting for your father to come home
He never will again
It’s only your husband who loves you.
Focus on your present and enjoy what you have now, despite the hell you endured.
While it never leaves you, it doesn’t have to have the power over you it once did.
When you want to scream at your husband “ that’s the one thing I ask” try to recognise you are screaming that at your father, and you probably can’t get the response or apology you need from your father,
but don’t let him still have an impact on the life you have with your husband.

The nights he goes out, go stay in a hotel.
Relax, have a nice evening of your own, as you're not waiting for him to stumble in; and you won't have to experience any of his drunkeness.

Next day, go home in the afternoon, after he's gotten over any hangover.

There's nothing wrong with you not wanting to be around a drunkard, kind husband or not.
And there's nothing wrong with him going out, either.
So, just don't be home waiting in anxiety.
You'll both feel better about it.

Just tell him to text you when he gets in, so you know he's safe.

But then again, if he knows you're not at home, he may drink even more. (Maybe.)

I feel for you if you can try to use this to break the cycle not all pissed people are violent abusive twats.

Could he stay with a friend or a hotel for the odd time this happens- or ditto for you?
I'm afraid YABU and should probably post on one of the other boards. AIBU will not help you.

As some pp have suggested, could you put some strategies in place for the nights he is out? Stay with a friend, he stays with a friend, he sleeps on the spare room or sofa etc.

You have my sympathies, I didn't grow up in that environment my partner was a very heavy drinker until about three years ago, and the fear has never left me.

I’m so sorry you feel like this. Your husband is doing nothing wrong but I understand the feelings it must cause in you.

Would CBT be helpful?

@Ohdearymeshame yanbu.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and it was nothing short of a nightmare. Constant arguments, fights and walking on eggshells.

Whenever he would return home we would all be shit scared and look at his face to see if he was tipsy or aggressive. It was almost always aggressive.

The smell still repulses me. The sounds of a beer can opening sends shivers down my spine. That glazed over look in their eyes!

People think I'm odd as I get upset if I see a loved one getting drunk. I know it's not a normal reaction, but it's what a childhood of alcoholism does to you.

Only people who have experienced it could possibly understand.

I think that your dp is being selfish if he knows how much it affects you. Would you be happier if he slept at a friends house on those nights?

Sorry I meant your husband.

Just ask him to sleep in the spare room/on sofa. Going out fortnightly isn't unreasonable

I don't think yabu.

Getting drunk is not a necessity. You have always been open with your dh about the effects it has on you. There are all kinds of varying things we do for partners because of their own foibles/varying histories. Getting drunk to the point you're slurring is not something that should be doing any more by the time you're in your twenties. Most adults manage not to get themselves into that state, you're not asking anything unreasonable even if you didn't have the history you have.

However if he won't stop then I'd think about what you can do that will make you feel safe. For me it'd be a deal-breaker. But I don't want to say ltb, if it's not for you. Can you/he stay with a friend/visit your children the nights he goes out drinking? Do you have a spare bedroom you can put a lock on and just leave him to it for the evening?

You’re being unreasonable.

YANBU
I can't be around drunk men. I just can't. I leave social events early if men start getting drunk. I could NEVER live with one again. I don't know what the solution is but those saying you are unreasonable don't understand the trauma response.

YABU, even though I am very sorry about your childhood.

I grew up in the same kind of household. I do drink but I hate being around people who are drunk if I'm sober. It frightens me. When my OH goes out I go to bed before he gets in and he sleeps in the spare room. Solves the issue.

While I can understand your feelings you can't let them dictate others lives. He doesn't do it often and isn't unpleasant to you when drunk. He's entitled to relax with his friends and have a few drinks every now and then