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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend + female friend

48 replies

LisaCrop · 13/03/2020 13:40

I just wanted to ask your advice. My boyfriend went for dinner with a female friend which I don't have an issue with (I have male friends I would go to dinner with), I was a bit on edge as I've had ex-boyfriends when I was younger who have had female friends they've gone on to sleep with during and after we've split, so maybe I'm being sensitive. My boyfriend told me they shared a dessert. I know it's such a small, maybe even petty thing, we've spoken about it and all is well, he said he understood and wouldn't do anything like it again - I didn't say anything he could just tell it upset me. I just wanted to know if that would upset anyone else? I hadn't been in a relationship for nearly ten years before I met him, so I don't know if it's maybe an odd thing to be uncomfortable with, it just seems, I don't know, a bit of an intimate thing..? He's been completely honest and told me before that he tried it with her when they were both single and really drunk but she turned him down to preserve their friendship but also that she wouldn't see an issue going for a bloke who is in a relationship, I just don't know, is it me that's the issue, perhaps something I need to work on?

OP posts:
BlastEndedSkrewt · 13/03/2020 13:42

I have friends that are male & I would have no problem sharing a desert with them - it's just that, sharing a desert

Batqueen · 13/03/2020 13:48

I would share a dessert with a friend no problem. I can understand why you are finding it hard then having any kind of intimacy though given the rest of your post so if you need certain boundaries I would hope your bf understood too.

Tattoocrazymum · 13/03/2020 13:48

With his comments and telling you sharing of the ice cream, sounds like hes trying to make you jealous?

Morgan12 · 13/03/2020 13:49

I'd share a dessert with my male friends if we weren't all fat bastards who want our own.

moneysavingmama · 13/03/2020 14:07

I don't even share dessert with my husband 😂

TheresGonnaBeARain · 13/03/2020 14:09

I would share a dessert with a male or female friend but why‘s he telling you that she wouldn’t have a problem going after someone in a relationship?

Original poster
LisaCrop · 13/03/2020 14:09

Honestly, thank you so much for your understanding and thoughts/votes, it's made me feel tons better (my mum's just been rushed to hospital and I've just come on my period so probably a bit more emotional than I'd normally be) Smile. Thank you!

OP posts:
Ydl22 · 13/03/2020 14:21

Don’t stress about it. I don’t share dessert with my male friends (because I’m greedy and want my own dessert!) but I wouldn’t see a problem with it. We share starters and sometimes take a bit of each other’s meals to taste it. It doesn’t mean anything. Two of my closest male friends have been in my life almost 30 years!

Beesisabuzzin · 13/03/2020 14:25

I've shared a Chelsea bun with a male friend and we both managed to stay fully clothed afterwards.

MikeUniformMike · 13/03/2020 14:27

There is no way I would share my pudding unless it wasn't very nice.

Him going to dinner with her has crossed a boundary of yours. He has said he won't do it again. Leave it be.

If he does it again, dump him.

Hope your mum is ok.

Lovestonap · 13/03/2020 14:28

Dessert? Fine.
A bath? Perhaps not.

ShinyRuby · 13/03/2020 14:30

I'd be a bit uncomfortable with it TBH. I can't really explain why, it just feels a bit intimate somehow. I don't think I'd really trust either of them. He's said he won't do it again & sounds honest but I'd be keeping an eye on their friendship.
Hope your mum recovers quickly.

JenNtonic · 13/03/2020 14:32

What @Lovestonap said 🙂

shinyredbus · 13/03/2020 14:55

i only ever share desserts, mainly because ive eaten too much. All my friends, male/female know this about me so its not abnormal. I mean, its hardly sharing a bath?!

Halloweenbabyy · 13/03/2020 15:01

I’d be upset too I’m all honestly.

superisha · 13/03/2020 15:23

Just being honest, I wouldn't like it...

Horsefeather · 13/03/2020 15:29

Oh, you'll be about to hear from the frankly batshit subset of Mn who think that a man and a woman going for dinner (or, even more weirdly, to the cinema) together are trespassing on Couple Date Space that Must Be Sacred to the Wife/Girlfriend.

I shared a creme brulée with a close male friend last week, and no one took anyone's clothes off, or even played suggestive footsie. Our only conclusion is that it was so good we should have had one each.

pugtato · 13/03/2020 15:40

I have a lot of male friends and would share a desert with them :) I am single but that doesn't change anything, I view it just the same as sharing with a female friend.

Although this is all hypothetical because I don't share food with anyone! Haha.

crispysausagerolls · 13/03/2020 15:41

Sharing a pudding is ok. I wouldn’t like it but I’m a jealous cow.

SHARING A PUDDING WITH SOMEONE HE TRIED IT ON WITH IS NOT OK!!!!

Like fuck would DH be friends any longer with someone he tried to bang but turned him down! Wtf!!!

Fuckbrexit · 13/03/2020 15:44

Unless they ate it off each others genitals I don't think you need to worry just yet

Seriously though, you sound really stressed by this and relationships shouldn't be this hard. I hope you find a way to trust him or move on without him, jealousy is a terribly corrosive thing (I speak from bitter experience!). Good luck OP Flowers

username1724 · 13/03/2020 15:45

My OH did this with a friend once, almost exact situation. I did get cross because I felt it overstepped a boundary and it's a little to intimate for my liking. I think you're within your rights to tell him how you feel..

rvby · 13/03/2020 15:58

I can imagine how a jealous or insecure person would hate this. (I am neither).

But the thing is, and what I always find comical/sad about folk who are jealous - you can't force someone to be faithful to you. You can only let them do what they were going to do anyway. Collecting anecdotes / being annoyed about things that your partner does, does nothing to "keep" them faithful. You can't "keep someone faithful"....

If you want a boyfriend who doesn't make you feel insecure, then this guy might not be for you. That's regardless of his actual intentions to his friend.

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 13/03/2020 16:01

I think the sharing dessert in principle is a bit of a red herring, I think it's probably that he's told OP he tried it on with this friend in the past and got knocked back. So it's natural I think for OP to feel a bit differently about things with her as opposed to other friends (female or male). It's one of those things that just comes down to trust but I don't think it's unusual for you to have felt odd about this.

dontdoxmeeither · 13/03/2020 16:05

Genuine question- why is sharing a dessert crossing any boundaries?? I honestly don't get it? What's the difference between sharing a dessert and each taking a piece of bread from the bread basket?

contentedsoul · 13/03/2020 16:07

I’d be more concerned if he hadn’t told you - but telling you the truth has landed him on hot water. He now may think twice in future what he says to you.
You should’ve laughed it off and said “where’s mine?” Then sent him to the shops to buy you one.

That would’ve been both funny and endearing and also proved you trust each other.