Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend + female friend

48 replies

LisaCrop · 13/03/2020 13:40

I just wanted to ask your advice. My boyfriend went for dinner with a female friend which I don't have an issue with (I have male friends I would go to dinner with), I was a bit on edge as I've had ex-boyfriends when I was younger who have had female friends they've gone on to sleep with during and after we've split, so maybe I'm being sensitive. My boyfriend told me they shared a dessert. I know it's such a small, maybe even petty thing, we've spoken about it and all is well, he said he understood and wouldn't do anything like it again - I didn't say anything he could just tell it upset me. I just wanted to know if that would upset anyone else? I hadn't been in a relationship for nearly ten years before I met him, so I don't know if it's maybe an odd thing to be uncomfortable with, it just seems, I don't know, a bit of an intimate thing..? He's been completely honest and told me before that he tried it with her when they were both single and really drunk but she turned him down to preserve their friendship but also that she wouldn't see an issue going for a bloke who is in a relationship, I just don't know, is it me that's the issue, perhaps something I need to work on?

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 13/03/2020 16:07

I’d be getting him tested for covid 19 now. All those germs they shared on the spoon!

500Teapots · 13/03/2020 16:12

I wouldn't share a dessert with my male best friend - but that's because I'm a greedy cow (and he doesn't like desserts because he's weird).

BUT joking aside, YABU I'm afraid. Nothing wrong with sharing a dessert, presuming they weren't staring dreamily at each other through candle light.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/03/2020 16:24

Sharing desserts is bollocks... get your bloody own

AmputatedSoul · 13/03/2020 16:29

@crispysausagerolls is bang on the money here.

Sharing pudding with a friend is okay.

Going out for a meal with someone he tried it on with? Not okay.

letsjog · 13/03/2020 16:38

I'd be thinking more about how he's told you all of this & said how she wouldn't bat an eye at going for someone who's taken.

Sounds to me like he's trying to get a reaction out of you.

ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself · 13/03/2020 16:43

also that she wouldn't see an issue going for a bloke who is in a relationship

Not sure how but I missed this, he's an absolute dick.

Saying that to you while telling you that he tried it on with her once and got knocked back is so goady it's prickish.

Exactly the kind of behaviour from someone who would do stuff they know would hurt your feelings but not care and do it anyway.

81Byerley · 13/03/2020 17:16

Sharing a dessert? NO! All those mouth germs, Yuck!

saraclara · 13/03/2020 17:21

My best friend is male. We rarely share desserts because we're both greedy. But it has happened on occasion, and there's nothing remotely intimate about it. We didn't go all 'Lady and the Tramp with spaghetti' over it! We just cut it in half for goodness' sake!

crispysausagerolls · 13/03/2020 17:25

HOW IS EVERYONE MISSING THAT THE BOYFRIEND HAS TRIED IT ON WITH THIS FRIEND?!? 🙈😭😂🤪🤯🤬

Isthistrueor · 13/03/2020 17:26

Unless they shared a spoon I don’t really see much of an issue. It’s only like going to a tapas place and sharing the food imo.

steff13 · 13/03/2020 17:31

Were they feeding each other or something? That I would find odd.

FlaskMaster · 13/03/2020 17:35

So he went on a date with someone he fancies and has asked out before, who he would be together with if she'd have him? Yes this would bother me, even without the desert sharing. The whole thing is a bloody date.

donquixotedelamancha · 13/03/2020 17:39

Oh, you'll be about to hear from the frankly batshit subset of Mn who think that a man and a woman going for dinner (or, even more weirdly, to the cinema) together are trespassing on Couple Date Space that Must Be Sacred to the Wife/Girlfriend.

I am amazed it wasn't the first reply. MN is not what it once was.

40 posts yet no one has told OP to leave him and only one all-caps rant. It's like Netmums here these days.

loserssaywhat · 13/03/2020 17:42

Sharing a dessert is fine.
I'd be a bit wary if he's told you he's tried it on with her in the past and she has no problem going for men in relationships.
I'd wonder what the end game of telling you these things.
Drunk or not he obviously found her attractive at one point.
I think I would feel uncomfortable with the entire situation not the dessert sharing in itself.

MikeUniformMike · 13/03/2020 17:55

He told you about it because ' it was completely innocent and above board'.

It is quite normal for a DP or DH to go out for dinner with another woman. After all, men and women can be just friends. Sharing a dessert is not in the slightest bit intimate.

Same goes for going to the cinema.

I'd be quite prepared for him to be trying it on with her or shagging her.

angell84 · 13/03/2020 17:56

I do not think it is okay for a partner to go for dinner with a female friend.

This happened to me once. I had one boyfriend that told me he was going for dinner with a female friend. I didnt like it , but thought I can't say no. He went on to cheat on me with her.

The next boyfriend that I had , he had lots of female friends from school, but we all did things together in a group setting. He never went to dinner with them alone, and he never thought about doing it either.

I wouldn't stand for it again. A dinner is intimate.

SudokuQueen · 13/03/2020 18:07

I'd have more issue with the fact he thinks it's fine to go to dinner with someone he wanted before you, and the only reason they aren't together is that she said no.

The fact he adds on that she often goes for guys in relationships says that he is still trying it on with her, or she is now trying it on with him, and it will be his fall back excuse when he shags her and you find out. 'But she made me do it, she kept pestering me for it, I couldn't stop myself, you knew I liked her'.

Good luck op. If he isn't shagging her yet, he will be soon.

MissMoiselle · 13/03/2020 18:26

Sharing a dessert is not an issue imo.
Sharing a dessert with someone he's tried it on before and who doesn't have an issue getting with someone who's in a relationship, THAT is not on.

Would it matter to you whether they shared from the same plate or whether they split dessert onto two plates? One could seem more intimate and the other one more "mate-y"?

YakkityYakYakYak · 13/03/2020 19:08

I’d be a bit uneasy with it because it seems a bit intimate, as you say. But if there were no other concerns then I’d probably let it go.

But, in this context it seems like a red flag - he’s tried it on with her in the past, and made a point of telling you she would go for a man in a relationship. Either he’s trying to make you jealous or he’s still into her IMO.

randomchap · 13/03/2020 19:26

I have quite a few close female friends, however I would never share a dessert with them. Mind you, I'd never share a dessert with my wife either. Don't read too much into it.

bushhbb · 13/03/2020 19:32

YANBU

just reading this has me annoyed, I'd be very uncomfortable.

If they want to meet, we can go in a group. Don't like the idea of an intimate dinner- and this is coming from a woman with mostly male friends.

Amatteroftime · 13/03/2020 19:37

He's been completely honest and told me before that he tried it with her when they were both single and really drunk but she turned him down to preserve their friendship but also that she wouldn't see an issue going for a bloke who is in a relationship

This would be what I was uncomfortable with, and as a result I would not like them going to dinner together, sharing or no sharing.

TDJames · 13/03/2020 19:38

I would have a problem with it esp if it's a girl he's tried it on with in the past.
He's trying to make you jealous!
Google 'gaslighting'

  • Planting seeds in your head and then making you feel as though your too emotional or over exaggerating xxx
New posts on this thread. Refresh page