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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not accept lazy men !!!

43 replies

Ohidontknow99 · 13/03/2020 09:25

Recently moved in with my boyfriend and after 3 months it’s become very apparent how lazy he is around the house and I find it infuriating !!! I work from home a lot so whilst he’s out I always make sure the house is clean and tidy for him(aswel as myself) . I went to the office yesterday (rare) whilst he was at home I came home and he had done nothing. When I try and tell him I get the “nothing is good enough for you treatment”. My last partner was like this too. I just can’t deal with these men who expect women to do it all I’ve spoke to my friends and they have a “it’s men” attitude ! Please someone tell me not all men are like this and it’s not something I just just accept. I wouldn’t mind if I was home all day and he earned all the money but I work equally as hard

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 13/03/2020 09:28

Not all men are like this. Sadly, a lot are. Also, a lot of them are not brought up to see this stuff so start this way, but if they're reasonable, start to realise that they need to step up and change.

You're also going to get a whole lot of women telling you now that your standards are probably too high.

Original poster
Ohidontknow99 · 13/03/2020 09:30

Thanks , I feel like it’s going to ruin all my relationships because it’s something I feel so so strongly about and I just can’t accept it regardless of how great the man is in all other areas. His mum absolutely did everything for him she still tries to!

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 13/03/2020 09:35

Of course not all men are lazy. We don't know if you seem to end up with lazy ones or if your standards are too high. Maybe stay away from the ones who's mum does everything for them though.

Northernparent68 · 13/03/2020 09:40

Is there some truth that nothing is ever good enough for you ? Why does the housework have to be done to your standard in your timetable

HappyAsASandboy · 13/03/2020 09:41

It's not all men. My husband is amazing when he works from home - tidies up, turns over the dish washer, does 5 loads of washing and still gets his work done.

I am useless at house stuff if I am working from home. I literally don't look up from work and so achieve nothing other than my work. It's as if I haven't been home at all, except I've added coffee cups and lunch plates to the mess.

To be honest, we're totally different people and have totally different abilities in the home. Tolerance is the key to us making it work, and feeling like a ok to ask for specific things if they really bug you!

An example from my perspective is that my DH often eats alone after returning late from work. He almost always leaves his plate and drink can/bottle/glass on the kitchen table and I have to move it in the morning before the kids can have breakfast. On the other hand, he brings me a cup of coffee in bed every morning because I've asked him to make me one when he makes his own. I figure I can clear his plate if he can make me coffee!

themarkofthemaker · 13/03/2020 09:42

not all men are lazy around the house and not all women are tidy. But people have different values and attitudes

AnyFucker · 13/03/2020 09:43

You are ending it then, yes ?

dontdisturbmenow · 13/03/2020 09:43

What is it that he doesn't do? If you work from home, there isn't much that should get untidy, so not clear what it is you need to do during the day.

Have you not have discussions about who does what, washing, clearing up, dusting, vaccuming etc... Maybe it's just a question of seating down and agreeing a rota and who does what.

CycleWoman · 13/03/2020 09:44

Not all men are like this. I hate when people throw their hands up and say ‘oh it’s just men’. That is insulting to all the men who do their fair share and also allows those who don’t to have a get out clause.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to expect equal participation in running a house.

Sexnotgender · 13/03/2020 09:44

Definitely not all men. Though I’ve been married twice and ex was a lazy shitebag (hence the ex), new DH is awesome.

Horsefeather · 13/03/2020 09:44

Of course it’s not all men. DH does all the cooking and laundry in our house, and a lot of the grocery shopping. Neither his penis nor his socialisation gets in the way of any of this.

Itsmybirthdaytoday20 · 13/03/2020 09:45

I’ve just not allowed mine to be like this.

My dad scoffs at being asked to do anything in the house or any ‘wife work’ as he would probably view it but I’ve not allowed it. My OH does more than me actually.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 13/03/2020 09:45

Not all men are like this, but in my experience the majority of them are. It's been my experience and that of most of my friends. I threw back a lot of useless twats before I found my dp, and if I found myself single again in the future I wouldn't even bother trying. Took me years and years of shit relationships to find a good one - it's just not worth the effort imo. I'd give your bf an ultimatum then dump him. Keep looking if you want but don't lower your standards, it's better to be single than with a man who sees women as their personal domestic slave.

Hahaha88 · 13/03/2020 09:49

Let's start at the beginning, why would you move in with someone after only dating for three months?! You barely know each other, it was asking for trouble. If you'd dated longer you'd have a better idea of what he was like with housework before sharing a house with him.
That said, are you expecting too much? As he's your second partner you've struggled with this over. When you say it's a mess when you came in what do you mean it was actually like? I'm not saying he's not s useless fecker, but without more detail it's hard for us to say

BodiesMakeForGoodFertiliser · 13/03/2020 09:53

I found that finding a partner who lived by themselves for a while helps. Mine was actually more into cleaning than I was.

Let's start at the beginning, why would you move in with someone after only dating for three months?!
They have lived together for 3 months.

Ellisandra · 13/03/2020 09:53

Well, your own attitude is feeding into this - you clean age tidy “for him”? Confused

In my anecdotal experience, too many women perceive themselves as adding a value to the relationship by doing wifework type things for their boyfriend. Cooking, cleaning - sorting out his mum’s Mother’s Day flowers... women take it on willingly - “for him”. Then it bites them on the arse.

My experience:

  • XH: lazy, messy, dirty. But certainly never expected me to clean up after him, just didn’t give a shit the house was like that. Which of course meant I would have to clear up after him, as I didn’t like week old dinner plates festering on the floor by the sofa
  • current husband: does more cleaning and cooking than me, and has politely asked me to change several behaviours for him. I’m one for towels on the floor, not the rail Blush
PragmaticWench · 13/03/2020 09:59

I'd be having a very frank conversation with him and explaining that your sexual attraction to him withers when he fails to act like a fully functioning adult. Who would fancy a man-child?!

longwayoff · 13/03/2020 09:59

Oh dear. Get h i s mum to come round and clean when you're out. She can teach the lazy sod at the same timeGrin

JaceLancs · 13/03/2020 09:59

Not all men are like this
I suggest you look for someone who has lived on his own for a while
My last 2 long term partners had own houses and lived alone so were used to having to do all household tasks
In fact one thing that impressed me most about one of them was that he cooked from scratch every night and could be bothered to cook a full roast dinner plus at least 6 veg just for one person
When I’ve lived alone I eat healthily but it tends to be low effort cooking

user1493413286 · 13/03/2020 10:00

I have found it’s taken years with my DH to get him to pull his weight; his problem was that he’d lived alone for a few years and genuinely didn’t care about living in a mess (he’d clean and tidy when he saw that it was needed which would be at least 2 days after I’d thought it). He’s still not as tidy as me but I’m glad I’ve never just accepted that he should do nothing. The most effective way I’ve found is to give him certain jobs to do as realistically he just doesn’t notice when things need doing unless they’re on his radar as his jobs to do.
I also think that years later he finally gets that these things are important to me so even if they aren’t important to me then he does it because he loves me and I do the same with certain quirks he has in the house.

Original poster
Ohidontknow99 · 13/03/2020 10:00

@Hahaha88 no we have lived together for 3 months we dated for years before hand

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 13/03/2020 10:08

I’m the same OP, have never tolerated this shit, and have now happily been with a man for 10 years who acts like a proper grown up and takes responsibility for keeping the house just as much as I do.

A piece of advice my Nan gave me - never live with a man who hasn’t lived on his own. Men who move straight from home where mummy does everything, often expect the new resident woman to take over.

I’ve also never ironed a mans shirts made his lunch, or any other wife work type stuff. We share chores, and even in relationships when I was with lazier men, I dropped my standards a little (as long as I could tolerate) rather than pick up the slack.

Mintjulia · 13/03/2020 10:08

It’s why I’m single.

Most men I’ve dated still think if they do eight hours work, 5 days a week, that’s their contribution.

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/03/2020 10:09

OP, don't give up hope but in future pay attention to great big red flags like "His mum absolutely did everything for him she still tries to!". Why did you think he would suddenly become self-sufficient when he never has been before?

thecatsthecats · 13/03/2020 10:16

Is there some truth that nothing is ever good enough for you ? Why does the housework have to be done to your standard in your timetable

It doesn't. But you can impose a standard just as easily by not doing something as by doing something.

My husband and I agreed what we thought was an acceptable amount of effort to put in and divvied up the chores associated. Took us a bit of tweaking to find chores that suited our personal style.

For example, I do all laundry because I WFH once a week and it's easy to bung a load on in my breaks. Whereas he does all washing up because he often gets home late so only wants a little task to do every day.

You don't have to find someone 110% compatible, but it does help to talk about these things!