To just not accept lazy men !!!

[Ohidontknow99]

Recently moved in with my boyfriend and after 3 months it’s become very apparent how lazy he is around the house and I find it infuriating !!! I work from home a lot so whilst he’s out I always make sure the house is clean and tidy for him(aswel as myself) . I went to the office yesterday (rare) whilst he was at home I came home and he had done nothing. When I try and tell him I get the “nothing is good enough for you treatment”. My last partner was like this too. I just can’t deal with these men who expect women to do it all I’ve spoke to my friends and they have a “it’s men” attitude ! Please someone tell me not all men are like this and it’s not something I just just accept. I wouldn’t mind if I was home all day and he earned all the money but I work equally as hard

The bigger question is does he do anything or nothing? If he does clean and tidy but to his own timetable then you are being unreasonable as you can't expect everyone him fit in with your ideals completely. If he does nothing and expects you to do it all then you are not being unreasonable!

You are tolerating it if you continue to live with him.

Words are cheap

If you were happier living apart then go back to that otherwise tell him it's over and why.

Don't blame his mum for doing everything for him, a lot of women were brought up to think this was their role. Does his dad do anything?

They have often been brought up with Mum’s who rush around after everyone so to them that’s normal. Just let him know he either pulls his weight or he moves out, no point getting stressed over the lazy bastard.

I wouldn’t tolerate a lazy man either.
My dh, my brothers and all my friends dh’s all seem to be men who work hard, do chores and are involved fathers.
Don’t accept this.

@Ohidontknow99 sorry I completely misread it.
Did he keep his house tidy when he lived alone or was he living at home?

My dad did National Service and when I was growing up he did as much around the house as my mum (they both worked). He'd learned to cook and iron and clean and he used to tell us about his Sergeant Major telling them 'if it moves, salute it, if it doesn't, polish it!'

I thought all men were like this until i entered the dating pool. I've lived with quite a lot of men and very few of them had any idea how to clean or even what needed cleaning.I've tried to bring up my sons to have standards but to do what needs doing themselves, not wait fo a woman to step up.

They sometimes nag me about the state of my house, so I think it might have worked...

Leave his shit where it is.

People don’t realise (or care) that the cleaning fairy has magically zapped the mess as long as their lazy arses don’t have to do it.

Let him see his filth and take charge of it.

Before you end it, try giving him specific jobs to do. Yeah you have to treat him like a child but point that out to him. Tell him he does the dishes every day, hoovers once a week etc. Stuff that will help you out.

If he still won't do it, dump him and kick him out.

I am shocked that advice is to treat him like a child and give him a list of stuff to do and suggesting he is helping you ? WTF

Helping out? He lives there and the OP isn't his bloody mother. The conversation needs to be that your not happy and if he doesn't sort himself out your moving out .

Nip it in the bud now if you're able to...
When my husband and I first moved in together he was amazing, helped loads etc etc, did 50-50 chores around the house.
Over the years, he's become lazier and it's because of me. I just ended up doing things because I wanted them done NOW and to my standard, so it just became easier for me to do them. It was wrong of me because I now have a lazy (only lazy at home) husband who will happily sit and drink beer all chilled out while watching me heavily pregnant sweating my ass off doing anything and everything.
We had our first and only argument in 19 years a month ago just after I had the baby because I was resenting him for his laziness. Thankfully now he's beginning to pull his weight and I've lowered my standards so he doesn't feel like he can't meet my stupidly high expectations and get all intimidated.

Also, a lot of mums of the previous generation (and many before and after!) pander to their son's every need and pick up after them. So then these boys grow into men who view housework as woman work. So I'm teaching my sons to do their fair share and that no jobs are gender specific. Hopefully their future wives will thank me!
Just strange some men are so fuqing capable of running a business but get so cufuffled about minor jobs around the home.

What do you expect of him OP?

A home can keep pretty tidy and clean with no children in it, so there may not be things to do- by his standard anyway.

If you come home to overflowing bins, dishes piled high and stepping over laundry then you are justified.

If you expect the kitchen floor to be mopped and toilet to be scrubbed then maybe he is justified.

We can't really comment unless we know what he was supposed to do but didn't.
You need to communicate and settle between you on standards that you are both happy with.
Then figure out a rota of sharing jobs- or allocating specific jobs to one person- that's the way it works in our home.
Some jobs I never do, some jobs OH never does.

DH was like this when we moved in together; he'd lived at home with MIL who IRONED HIS ACTUAL PANTS weekly, so he was an absolute shitend when we first moved in. He learned, like all humans do, that either he contributed equally or he'd have to live in squalor. He worked it out; it took a bit of time to learn everything he needed to do to survive and he's a lovely guy, but that whole level of pandering is just nonsense and I won't have it in our house.

We have two male DC and they do their share; it's not about gender but we all live here, we all work, we all contribute. I cannot abide grown men who can run lives, business and departments but can't work their own mop. The ones who joke about being inept are actually happy as larry in their own selfish world of "that's women's work" and it is revolting.

So he lived at home before we moved in together but he had previously lived on his own. When I came home yesterday there was an over flowing washing basket , bins and recycling that needed taking out , a pile of mugs etc used by him through out the day and the house really needed hoovering. It just annoyed me that he was sat on his arse watching tv . When he’s out at work and I’m home I try and get bits done like putting a wash on giving the place a tidy just so it looks nice. He will cook sometimes but never washes up just goes to bed and expects it to be magically done , as I work from home I’ll end up doing the pots the next day as I can’t sit in the house all day knowing they are there. He’s never once cleaned the bathroom or toilet the only things he will do is if I specifically ask and I have to ask multiple times !

@TooTrueToBeGood yeah you’re right I should have realised and ran !

He’s never once cleaned the bathroom or toilet the only things he will do is if I specifically ask and I have to ask multiple times!

I'd have a frank conversation with him about being an adult and doing the things himself that his mum previously did for him.....it definitely isn't attractive in ANY adult to behave in such a lazy, inconsiderate manner when sharing a living space with someone else.

I wouldn't bother having the same conversation twice - the second time i would TELL him he's moving out.
Send him back to his mother....YOU are not a rehabilitation centre for a badly raised 'man'.

Definitely worth the hard work I am putting on with DS1 and DS2. It’s not so much that I’m putting primary age children to work on heavy domestic tasks, just that I am insisting with an iron will that they sort their own shit out. Had a packed lunch? Empty out all the rubbish and wipe it clean if necessary. Come back from swimming? Get the trunks in the wash. It’s bloody hard work training them up, and often tempted just to do it all, but the long term aim is for them to get that WE DONT HAVE SERVANTS. Everybody has to pick i up after themselves (and after the pets, who are treated like royalty.
High standards aside, shit needs to be done around the house.

@likeafishneedsabike I think what you are doing is amazing ! X