To not want to go back?

[Aneley]

My father has had heart issues and his current situation is very serious. His heart is at 25% capacity and he has one more intervention scheduled which will hopefully stop further decline. However, even with that intervention, prognosis is not great (understatement).

I am very close with my dad - he has always been my best friend and while I am happily married, have some very close friends and good relationship with colleagues at work - my dad has been that one person in this world I felt I can tell literally ANYTHING. Therefore, I feel completely devastated at the prospect of losing him (he's not that old either - only 62).

The problem is, I work in London. My dad lives in the country I'm originally from. I came to spend part of my maternity leave in my home country and as the day of going back to work approaches, I am developing stronger and stronger resistance to going back. My DH works in London too and while I could work from home, thus staying here longer - I know its unfair to keep my family apart (baby is obviously here with me).

So, rationally this is a no-brainer. My job and my husband are in the UK, therefore I should be too. BUT... I love living here, I love the climate, neighbours, warmth, my childhood friend... and above all my parents. I am afraid I'll regret going back to London for the rest of my life... not being with my dad in his last months. I am also afraid I will resent my DH (who is a wonderful guy and very loving and supportive) for that irrational feeling that it is him who is dragging me away from my dad because he never even tried getting a job that would either allow him to work from home or just getting a job in my home country. How do I overcome this? How do I leave?

Just to add so that I am not drip-feeding, another reason I feel this way is that I've been a 'trailing spouse'. My DH wanted to work in the US so I've gotten a job in the US and we moved. My DH wanted to work a poorly paid but prestigious job in London, I took a job I hated which paid enough to support us through that. I'm the high earner in the family and have always been - my DH is a smart, good guy but more interested in less lucrative jobs so I always had to be the main provider. However, he doesn't want to be SAHD (fair enough - I don't want to force him), he needs to work to feel happy, so I can't even propose that he does that for a couple of years.

I think in the current climate you need to take your happiness where you can find it.

The most important thing to me is being at peace with myself. So I make decisions based on that.

I agree with @JayAlfredPrufrock

Could your OH find a job in your home country?

If you can arrange to wfh for 3months say maybe do that? is that an option?
will you need to come back to sort it out with your work ?

.... I can understand the dilemma but you dont have to rush in to an all or nothing decision at the moment... coudl you do a week in LON and the 3 weeks or a 3day week in LON - how far away are you?

what are your childcare options..

Long term maybe keeping a job in London would be better for you?
and accept you are going to have to pay for your dh to come and visit if you have a main base elsewrher..

It sounds like you resent him already - although that maybe displacement due to your worry over your dad... but if you are going to get through it probably better you talk it all through togther....how often does he come over currently?

It sounds to me like you want to stay, at least for the next few months. And why not? You’re likely feeling vulnerable, having a baby and a sick dad, and you want what’s familiar. If you can afford to make it happen then I’d say go for it. London isn’t going anywhere. Surely your DH can step up to the plate and support this?

Well, you've followed him twice so it isn't ridiculous to ask him to go with you this time but men are rarely willing to be the 'trailing spouse' IME.

Just think really well whether you want to move there genuinely or it's just a reaction to a painful situation.

I'm sorry about your dad .

@BigFatLiar - I believe he could. He just never tried. Granted, there are more opportunities in London and he wouldn't be making much money working in my home country but then, he wouldn't need to as my salary is more than enough to support us even if he was unemployed.

You had a very close relationship with your dad which means so much to you, but you can't appreciate how your baby being away from his father for months means that it will be harder and harder for both of them to bond. Don't you miss your OH? Don't you think that he misses you but also his baby he doesn't see growing up.

You moved and made a new life in another country, you have to accept that this comes with the consequences you are facing now. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to ever come back, and that means the end of your relationship and your baby never getting the chance to build a bond with their dad.

You need to discuss this with your partner and come up with compromises. Maybe you can come back and travel again in a couple of months depending on how your father is doing.

Sorry, not 'had' but 'have' of course. Stupid autotext.

@averythinline - 3h flight away. In the home country, my mum is there for full time childcare (she wants to, I don't need her to do that). In London, I'd work 2d per week from home, DH 1 day per week from home and for those days we'd have a nanny - the remaining 2 days DD would be going to nursery. DH comes every Thursday-Sunday (works Friday from home) at the moment.

I am senior management in the company so I do have some maneuvering space. They wouldn't be thrilled if I asked to WFH full time but our business model is built around remote working so it wouldn't be an issue. Another person of the same ranking in the company is doing it for the last 4y.

@dontdisturbmenow that is EXACTLY what I am struggling with. I don't want my DD and her father to be apart. I also miss him a lot. BUT I also feel devastated at the thought of leaving my own dad in this situation. I also know that if I were to ask my own father - he'd tell me to go and prioritize my nuclear family.

Your baby has her whole life with her dad
You may not
Stay with your dad ,you have done your bit as a duitiful wife it’s your dh turn to do what you want now.
Maybe suggest leave things as they are for the next 3 months then re assess .
If you have a well paid job and family in a lovely country,no way give that up to move to London

Stay at home with your dad. You only get one dad and you will regret not being there when the time comes. Your dh can come to you

If you can keep your well paid job why wouldn't you move? One of DHs team moved back to France & works remotely. His lifestyle is much much better.

he moved back as his parents were getting older & he was struggling to pay rent, afford childcare. They now have a house, see his parents & are much more content.

I think my advice my of been different if your dh was the higher earner ,but by the sounds of things he’s doing what he wants job wise ,and you have changed your job to suit him...now it’s his turn to like it or lump it ,just as you did

It really only comes down to talking to your OH, but whilst you expose your position and feelings, don't forget his. You had a status quo, your working and being the bread winner and him in his role, and seemingly happy like this in London. He misses you and is missing out on his baby, and is accepting the situation out of love for you, knowing that it makes you happy to be with your family.

He probably worried that you could decide that you'd rather stay there, but decided that it wasn't right to be difficult about it because he wants you to be happy. He is probably counting the days until you are back and he can be reunited with his baby.

You bringing up wanting to stay longer is going to be devastating to him and bring up all his anxiety over your wishes to remain there and how this will impact on him. Anxiety brings aggressivity and defensiveness.

Don't underestimate the impact this will have on him, so you really need to be careful about how you go about it as indeed, you could easily end up with conflict in your marriage, him possibly claiming abduction etc...

It needs to be a joint decision and ideally really need to be together to take it.

Honestly? In your situation I would make plans to be out there for a year, and do whatever it takes to make that happen. You have run enough over the past years, and for now you need to prioritise the life you want, and at this moment, need. Your husband can visit regularly, you can work with your company to agree a compromise (for example, a week a month in London) and tell yourself that this will be for one year. You can start to make further plans in 12 months.

There doesn’t seem to be a need to change right now (No school ties yet) so you have time to try things out. Maybe both of you find that you staying there and him flying in every long weekend is what works for you. I mean there are parents in the same house in the same city who don’t get this Thu-Sun stretch of time together. Obviously you need to reassess along the way.

Stay. You’ll never get another chance to spend the end of your dad’s life with him. Your husband has another 40 years to bond with his baby.

@bizzybuzzy that is another thing to consider. While we have a decent enough life in London, in my home country my London salary goes much further so the quality of life is way better even without him working. The issue is - he's not happy when he's not working (he had a few months without work in 2018) and that pretty much kills off all the advantages of more comfortable life. We can't be happy if he's miserable and feeling useless.

@dontdisturbmenow I would never make a one-sided decision like this. DH is either on board or we're going back. We have a very good relationship - we don't fight, rather discuss things calmly as we have agreed long time ago that we work only as a team. I think we're also good in communicating and differentiating between how someone feels and what someone thinks - at least we've been able to do that over the last 8y. I know he misses us both and he wants us with him. He is also aware of the situation with my dad and I think he can tell I have this internal conflict but he's giving me space and time to come to terms of what I feel/think before we discuss it together, for which I am very grateful.

It may help to separate the issues out

Communication: have you explained to your DH how you feel really honestly

Financial: it doesn't matter where you work you'll still bring in the lions share

Emotional: Your father is not well and it's looking likely that he is nearing the end of his time with you. You want to stay that's understandable you can't repeat this time

You miss your DH

Resentment: You've made all the sacrifices so far for your DH job satisfaction but that's only made possible by your facilitating it. Yet you're stumbling over asking him to do the same why is that ? You're already holding onto to resentment towards your DH

Logistics: is this feasible

Time to prioritise what it is that you want Grief is a not linear and although you may not realise it you're already grieving

Your marriage is going to come under some pressure keep talking keep communicating

If you have made career sacrifices for him in the past, despite him not being the higher earner, then YANBU at all to discuss him making one for you now.

Discuss everything you have written here with him and tell him that you would really like to move back to your home country. It is not U at al that you want to be with your dad right now

Maybe there is a way to find a middle ground.... can you temporarily live in both countries - a couple of weeks in one then the other. Can you get more WFH or get some unpaid leave. Sort of Muddle along and see how things go rather than making a big decision. The situation with your Dad is very uncertain so you can see how that goes.
I think it’s important that your DC spends time with her Dad. Staying in your home country while your husband is in London will likely end the marriage.