To not want to go back?

[Aneley]

My father has had heart issues and his current situation is very serious. His heart is at 25% capacity and he has one more intervention scheduled which will hopefully stop further decline. However, even with that intervention, prognosis is not great (understatement).

I am very close with my dad - he has always been my best friend and while I am happily married, have some very close friends and good relationship with colleagues at work - my dad has been that one person in this world I felt I can tell literally ANYTHING. Therefore, I feel completely devastated at the prospect of losing him (he's not that old either - only 62).

The problem is, I work in London. My dad lives in the country I'm originally from. I came to spend part of my maternity leave in my home country and as the day of going back to work approaches, I am developing stronger and stronger resistance to going back. My DH works in London too and while I could work from home, thus staying here longer - I know its unfair to keep my family apart (baby is obviously here with me).

So, rationally this is a no-brainer. My job and my husband are in the UK, therefore I should be too. BUT... I love living here, I love the climate, neighbours, warmth, my childhood friend... and above all my parents. I am afraid I'll regret going back to London for the rest of my life... not being with my dad in his last months. I am also afraid I will resent my DH (who is a wonderful guy and very loving and supportive) for that irrational feeling that it is him who is dragging me away from my dad because he never even tried getting a job that would either allow him to work from home or just getting a job in my home country. How do I overcome this? How do I leave?

Stay with your Dad. Sounds like your turn to put your needs first for a while. Many families have one parent (usually father) who works away Monday to Friday. Maybe do this for 6 months and then see how the land lies and how things feel. Trailing spouses usually trail a high earning spouse when it makes sense for the family to do so. You have trailed to fill your partners needs, its your turn now.

I like the idea of alternating to. Some time in each place could be good. If you have childcare where you are and a nanny in place in London and somewhere to live in both places, it could be good while your daughter is young and not yet in school. Spend some quality months with your Dad and if he does live longer, you will still have had that time even if it turns out not to have been his last months.

I would repeat, many many families have fathers who work away Monday to Friday and people don't feel the same sense of father breaking up the family as when a woman does it. The difference in your case is that your daughter still gets time with you.

Put yourself in a different scenario, you and DD settled in London, DP finds a job in Amsterdam, would he hesitate to skip off Monday to Friday and be totally happy with seeing you just at weekends but somewhere he calls home?

How long have you been gone from home? Has your OH come over to visit or have you been apart ages?

Could you afford to travel back regularly? Could you come back, but say spend 2 weeks every 6 weeks, and work agree you work from home then?

Ultimately, do you know how much longer your dad might stay as he is? Does he only have months to live or could he live for many more years with treatment?

If your dad was healthy, would you be happy to go back home now?

@WhatHappenedThen I like the idea of splitting time - I will think about that more.

@ChateauMargaux, to be honest, I don't think he'd take a job in Amsterdam if we were both in London. However, I know he doesn't feel my home country has the same opportunities and may be willing to consider splitting time.

@dontdisturbmenow - we've been away for 2m. He's coming every weekend, arrives Thursday night, works Friday from home, departs Sunday night. I could fund this even without his salary so yes, I could afford going back to London as per demand. I don't think it would be a major issue with my company to allow me WFH full time with travel to London occasionally for bigger meetings.

As for my dad's condition - stats are not encouraging, 90% of people in his condition don't live beyond a year from diagnosis. We could be lucky to have him in the 10% but it seems too much of a risk to assume.

In all honesty, if my dad was healthy I'd still not be over the moon going back as I genuinely prefer living here but I wouldn't even consider it as it would be unfair to ask DH to change just because I prefer climate/lifestyle in my country.

You’ve made repeated sacrifices for him in the past, now it’s his turn to move/rearrange jobs etc follow you.

Your OH travels every weekend? That's totally different, you are clearly seeing each other then and he gets the chance to spend time with his DD.

The issue therefore seems to be what would happen with your work if don't go back (when do you have to go back?) and the tiredness as travelling 6 hours (+ getting to airport etc...) every week must be quiet tiring, however, considering the state of your dad, it seems a fair compromise to continue for the time being especially as your OH should also be entitled to take holiday and come for a week soon?

Just to add thought that this is not sustainable long term and the longer you stay where you are clearly happier, the harder it will be to make changes. Then you'll be able to say that your child is settled etc... so you will still have to start the conversation about what to do.

I agree with @Horsefeather:

You’ve made repeated sacrifices for him in the past, now it’s his turn to move/rearrange jobs etc follow you

It sounds like those sacrifices have meant you’ve had to compromise on what you want every single time so that he can be doing exactly the thing he wants. You might be happy with that but it’s very one-sided.

I’m sorry about your dad I hope the interventions give you more time.

Use the current situation to work from home near your dad. Evaluate after that.

Stay where you are for now.

@dontdisturbmenow, in two months we've been here he skipped one weekend because he had to travel for his job. He's here now. I'm starting to work on April 1st but from home for the first three months. Initial agreement with my company was that I'd be back physically in the office on July 1st. I used only 3m of maternity leave so DH could even take SPL for a few months and then we could reassess (we can afford to lose his salary over parental leave, but not mine which is why I'm back to work after only 3m). I am now wondering if I should propose this - it would give us more time here together and maybe he could use parental leave also to look for a job here without asking him to commit to moving immediately?

@TerrorWig, I do struggle with doing what I want on a regular basis. That behavioural pattern was only repeated in our marriage, it did not develop since we've met - I've always been the one to pick up the responsibility and do what 'needs to be done' regardless of my own wants/needs. It goes from major decisions (jobs etc) to struggling to take vacation/buy myself something/eat food I want. He is aware of that issue and has been trying to help me deal with it, at least when it comes to daily things.

I do struggle with doing what I want on a regular basis. That I've always been the one to pick up the responsibility and do what 'needs to be done' regardless of my own wants/needs. It goes from major decisions (jobs etc) to struggling to take vacation/buy myself something/eat food I want. He is aware of that issue and has been trying to help me deal with it, at least when it comes to daily things.

Well, here's the ultimate opportunity for him to help you by listening to you and doing what you want, for once.

But he still prioritized his comfort/ interests in regards to the big things.

UPDATE: It turns out I didn't need to raise this. DH sat me down when I came back from dad's this afternoon and told me he can see how torn I am and how miserable I've been since we learned about dad's diagnosis. He said that he doesn't want to drag me back to London and that, if the current arrangement works for me, he'd be happy to continue doing that for a year after which we could reassess. I then suggested SPL and he said he didn't think of that but that he will look into it and talk to his HR to investigate options and then we can discuss it in more detail.

Hurrah.

What wonderful news!!

Waterworks are turned on all day...

Good on @Aneley’s DH. And OP, don’t wreck the situation by backtracking. You need to work on expressing what you want and prioritising it. Don’t wobble.