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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut contact completely with In laws

46 replies

Daffie19 · 12/03/2020 20:42

It's always been a difficult relationship with my in laws, they've never liked me, I've never been good enough for My OH.
Even my mil told me this, landed on my feet And not good enough for her son.
That was nye a few years ago, 8 weeks later we were announcing a pregnancy, and things have been OK since, but I know that's because of DS.

Not to blow my own trumpet, but I've a good job, I'm a nice girl... Could understand it if I was awful!

Anyway, this Xmas was a big falling out, bil got the hump because Xmas didn't go his way. My OH was poorly and admitted to hospital with his chronic condition, I encouraged him to call his family, they turned up drunk causing trouble.
I got the blame for him being in hospital, awful things were said about me / to me / behind my back.

We hadn't spoke since January.
Bil wanted OH to go round with his mum and dad the other day, he didn't go.
Phone call the next day to say they were pregnant.
When OH questioned why I wasnt involved / included in this big news, the response was he only wanted 'his' family to know.

AIBU to be a bit hurt that I'm not considered family after 7 years and a baby with OH?

Text mil today saying I was hurt and quite clear I wasn't apart of OH family after all this time... No reply. Says it all.

OP posts:
Ruby8719 · 12/03/2020 20:45

YANBU - partners are family too. It’s so disrespectful of your relationship.

GabriellaMontez · 12/03/2020 20:50

I understand you're hurt.

But. Do you really want to be around these people? They sound horrible. No they dont consider you family. I wouldn't want to be their family.

Sexnotgender · 12/03/2020 20:50

They don’t sound like they’d be a massive loss.

Sicario · 12/03/2020 20:51

How horrible. Going no contact is really hard and not a decision to take lightly. Still, sometimes it's totally the right thing to do.

Windyatthebeach · 12/03/2020 20:53

My mil never had my mobile number
..
Just saying op.
Leave her to dh.
You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship with her for yourself or for your ds.
IF dh wants to pop over he is welcome to.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/03/2020 20:56

I think I would be quite happy for people like that to cut me out. I would have cut them out first, after the things they said about/to you

Didntwanttochangemyname · 12/03/2020 20:59

Sounds like you are better off without them.

SuburbanFraggle · 12/03/2020 21:01

The wheelie bin rolled itself out on bin day

mambanumber5 · 12/03/2020 21:02

They sound rough as fuck op. I would be delighted to leave them out of my life. Sounds like your oh is t particularly bothered either.

Livelovebehappy · 12/03/2020 21:08

Cutting ties with them is the way to go if you feel it’s right for you. But don’t encourage your OH to do the same. They’re his parents and the issue isn’t so big that it warrants him going NC with them.

GabsAlot · 12/03/2020 21:08

I think youre perfectly reasonable to go nc with them what does your dh say

DruryLanePenance · 12/03/2020 21:11

The lack of reply to something like this is the worst. Have been there. Only you know the full ins and outs but people who do this (letting people suffer, no acknowledgement, absolutely no apology for hurtful behaviour) like to hurt others; she won't change. Narcissistic and toxic, perhaps with a co-dependent husband, and a few 'flying monkeys' around. No contact is really the best answer. Only if you, as a couple, are together in it.

TabbyMumz · 12/03/2020 21:19

Why do you want to be considered part of their family op. You've got your own, ie your husband and child? Turn the tables and let them be upset they arent part of your family.

HollowTalk · 12/03/2020 21:25

They sound really awful. I wouldn't want to see them. Tell your OH he can see them when he wants, but remind him that on big occasions like Christmas he needs to prioritise you and your DC.

SnoozyLou · 12/03/2020 21:26

Unfortunately, people don't stop being crappy people just by virtue of the fact that their family.

I couldn't be arsed with it, but if my partner wanted to I wouldn't try and stop him either.

rayoflightboy · 12/03/2020 21:27

I would view it as a lucky escape.

Original poster
Daffie19 · 12/03/2020 21:42

I've said multiple times to OH that he doesn't have to cut contact because of me.
I don't want to be blamed at all for this.
Said the same to mil today, I will never stop OH seeing his family with our DS, I just can't keep putting myself through it.

Bil has said some pretty horrible things about OH too, so he's at the end of his tether anyway with them all.

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 12/03/2020 22:12

@Daffie19 I would leave them to it.

Dragonsmother · 12/03/2020 22:39

You need to do what’s right for you. I cut ties with my in-laws 4years ago.
Similar to you their behaviour towards me was awful. We nearly divorced because of them.

I also tell my OH I would never stop him seeing them.

It wasn’t easy as some days I felt angry at OH for how we had been treated, other days I felt sorry for him that he didn’t have his family in life.

Our lives are so much better and happier without them. If I didn’t cut them off they would have cost us our marriage so cutting ties was totally right thing to do xx

urinetroubleagain · 12/03/2020 22:55

Never offer never refuse is a slightly less obvious two fingers up than completely no contact. When, if, questioned why don’t you contact me, you can say likewise.

PippaPegg · 12/03/2020 23:16

YABU, they are not your family. Let OH deal with them. Let him cock it up even. You don't need to have anything to do with them. If they can't be arsed to be civil to you and miss out on a relationship with their grandchild that's their problem.

Meaniebobeanie · 12/03/2020 23:55

My in-laws consider me family of course you are family you are married to their son and have a child with him. They sound toxic the type to blame you anyway and can't do no right. It's sad but you should do what's best as a couple. You are your own family unit first.

Vedaisawesome · 13/03/2020 00:15

I know you refer to MIL and BIL but are you actually married or using these abbreviations for convenience? You refer to OH not DH? In some cultures it makes a huge difference as to who is family. Wrong, but that's the way it is.

vegansprinkle · 13/03/2020 05:22

They sound vile. I would leave it to DH and keep your DC away from them

TheSerenDipitY · 13/03/2020 05:44

hopefully you can respect their feelings and enforce them at every opportunity.... can you come over and help... no sorry i can only put myself out for family, easter holidays.... nope i save those for family.... xmas? family! anything they ask can now be refused with no malice, you are only following their express wishes, they only want family, so family is all they will have

and you know that will bite them in the ass in time, golden child BIL wont be the one expected to wipe their ass in old age, or look after them or have them move in his home.... sorry FAMILY ONLY

you will, i hope, in time see this as a positive , in no longer having to put up with being treated badly by them or have them talk about you in your hearing, teaching your child that you are not to be respected etc, you can drop that rope and not bother with them at all... and i hope your husband walks out of that FOG and also says fuck you and chooses you and your child as his family!

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