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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not apologise?

75 replies

Dogman2020 · 12/03/2020 14:41

Long story short have a friend who is super sensitive and can argue with a paper bag.
Texting recently he seemed annoyed about something so I asked if id annoyed him. he said yes id done something that had got his back up but he didnt know what. (for context - whatever id done was within this text conversation that took place over 15 minutes so I highly doubt he would have forgotten that quickly).

Same evening I sent a nice email to him telling him thank you for cheering me up so much that day - i'd been feeling down in the morning and felt like I wanted to lock myself away which I didnt thanks to him.

this set him off further apparently and he brought up how pissed off he was over the texts - with still no idea what irritated him but he knew he "got his back up" over something.

So now were on day 2 of him not speaking to me until I apologise. i'm at a loss to what im apologising for, but have said sorry he took whatever ive said to heart but without telling me what ive done i'm at a loss to know what i'm apologising for.

I guess i'm asking should I just apologise when I feel he's being a Huge, massive crank right now and needs to settle himself down out of his mood swing. I will always apologise if im in the wrong but on this occasion all over done was check he was ok and send him an email thanking him for being so good and kind to me.

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 12/03/2020 16:35

Leave the dramatics to him and don't apologize.

sonjadog · 12/03/2020 16:47

Does he behave like this to men, or is it just women?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/03/2020 16:51

So he’s offended about what he doesn’t know he’s offended about.
Couldn’t be doing with snow flakes like that.

Stonefancier · 12/03/2020 16:56

He's a pig to his wife and because she for some reason, poor woman puts up with it, he thinks you should too, because you have a vagina, possibly.

I don't think he's a 'good guy' at all. He's an irritable, argumentative drama queen who appears to think his right to be offended and have everyone pander to him should be written into the constitution.

Tell him you're awaiting his apology for being a total arse.

partofthepeanutgallery · 12/03/2020 17:16

Believe me, OP, he doesn't treat men this way.

He's a manipulative, controlling arse ... note here you are, falling all over yourself trying to figure out what you did wrong so you can apologise 'properly' as he's demanding.

Tell him to fuck off.

Jux · 12/03/2020 17:16

It was something in the text conversation? So you have read and reread it? Then he's being a twat.

Now, does keeping the friendship going take a higher priority than your need to not apologise for inadvertently pissing someone off?

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/03/2020 17:19

It sounds to me that he thinks a woman's place is in the wrong.

It also sounds like he's a massively immature, gaslighting, passive aggressive, petty, pathetic twat, who wants you to run after him, grabbing his sleeve and begging forgiveness for something you don't even know that you did.

I'd reply 'Without knowing what I'm supposed to have done to annoy you, it's hard to judge if an apology is warranted. Perhaps you need to reflect on this, and then let me know? Direct communication tends to avoid misunderstandings.'

iklboo · 12/03/2020 17:23

I once almost was really off with DH because of something he'd done in a dream . Till I caught myself on. He sounds like a drama llama. Don't play ball.

PrinnyPree · 12/03/2020 17:24

Tell him he needs to effing apologise to you because he's starting to do your head in the little gaslighting prick.

Seriously OP this isn't a good person.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 12/03/2020 17:29

@iklboo I once had a fever-induced dream where DP was getting married to someone else and on waking I started typing the most FURIOUS text to him 'YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS PREGNANT' with my most righteously indignant fingers.

And then Bobby Ewing stepped out of the shower, and I got distracted

Brakebackcyclebot · 12/03/2020 17:31

I've always found it strange, (and to be fair to her its mostly him who sees something takes to heart) she just closes down and apologises and they move on. they very rarely argue

Re-read that OP. What you said there is that he gives his wife the silent treatment for whatever he fancies, she closes down, apologises and they "move on". They aren't moving on. He is manipulating her. This is not the behaviour of a "good bloke". This is the behaviour of an abusive person. She must be walking on eggshells, wondering when he is going to take umbrance next, and at what. And this is what you see. You don't know what happens at home, behind closed doors.

He's trying the same thing with you.

Zombiemum1946 · 12/03/2020 17:34

No full explanation with rationale, then no apology. He's being a brat and getting away with it.

Nicolastuffedone · 12/03/2020 17:46

Tell him you’re sorry he’s an eejit.....

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 12/03/2020 18:10

Another vote for telling him to fuck off. Horrible little wanker.

Jux · 12/03/2020 18:59

"fuck off, you silly prick 😁 😁 😁"

TorkTorkBam · 12/03/2020 19:00

Are you going to chase and grovel @Dogman2020?

Jux · 12/03/2020 19:00

^^ Those were grins when I typed them, they look like grimaces now

PanamaPattie · 12/03/2020 19:11

Block and ignore. What a cock.

Irial · 12/03/2020 19:49

oh god - do you really want the drama?

Original poster

Dogman2020 · 12/03/2020 20:54

Sorry had to run and pick ds up - Nope there will be no grovelling from my side at all.

I only asked here because he got into my head and said something to me along the lines of " You don't get to choose what I get upset at, If I tell you you've upset me then that's all you need to hear and you should apologise for upsetting me, it's not top trumps for whose upset the most" and he genuinely had me thinking is that what everyone else does because I was brought up to apologise when you believe you're in the wrong, I can also be a stubborn cow though so I had to just check this isn't what you all are doing, just apologising out there for god knows what.

Ive actually said the same words to him regarding his wife - he told me once it was a thing he learnt from her, when he was upset she would apologise profusely and it would calm him down instantly and he valued her for doing so.

I remember the conversation vividly because I sat there like the entire way through then finally asked "but you know thats not normal right"? They also dont argue at all apparently and at this point id like to add they are due to start marriage counselling soon - not laughing at anyone else in this position but i'm sort of excited to see what issues the therapist will pick up on with him.

thanks for all giving my head a wobble anyway.

OP posts:

iklboo · 12/03/2020 20:58

You don't get to choose what I get upset at, If I tell you you've upset me then that's all you need to hear and you should apologise for upsetting me, it's not top trumps for whose upset the most"

WTAF? The guy's off his trolley! Or twelve years old.

Beesisabuzzin · 12/03/2020 21:17

Tell him to fuck off and block him

This! What an absolute knob. Can't imagine you'd miss the drama. It must be exhausting to be his enabler friend.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 12/03/2020 21:24

Why would you spend any time around this guy?

He sounds like an abusive loon!

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 12/03/2020 21:29

You don't get to choose what I get upset at, If I tell you you've upset me then that's all you need to hear and you should apologise for upsetting me, it's not top trumps for whose upset the most

I'd reply "You're right I don't get to choose what you get upset at, but you don't get to demand an apology from me for your choice to get upset when you can't even tell me what you're upset about. Until you get that into your head I'm done"

Jux · 13/03/2020 12:37

I think CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson's reply goes along the right lines. Who knows, with that from you and the marriage counselling, he may start thinking about his idiocy and entitlement.

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