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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not apologise?

75 replies

Dogman2020 · 12/03/2020 14:41

Long story short have a friend who is super sensitive and can argue with a paper bag.
Texting recently he seemed annoyed about something so I asked if id annoyed him. he said yes id done something that had got his back up but he didnt know what. (for context - whatever id done was within this text conversation that took place over 15 minutes so I highly doubt he would have forgotten that quickly).

Same evening I sent a nice email to him telling him thank you for cheering me up so much that day - i'd been feeling down in the morning and felt like I wanted to lock myself away which I didnt thanks to him.

this set him off further apparently and he brought up how pissed off he was over the texts - with still no idea what irritated him but he knew he "got his back up" over something. Hmm

So now were on day 2 of him not speaking to me until I apologise. Confused i'm at a loss to what im apologising for, but have said sorry he took whatever ive said to heart but without telling me what ive done i'm at a loss to know what i'm apologising for.

I guess i'm asking should I just apologise when I feel he's being a Huge, massive crank right now and needs to settle himself down out of his mood swing. I will always apologise if im in the wrong but on this occasion all over done was check he was ok and send him an email thanking him for being so good and kind to me.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 12/03/2020 15:11

Good to know he's a good bloke when he's not being an awful bloke.

Do you know that I am vegetarian. Except when I eat meat.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2020 15:13

Seriously, he is not a good bloke. He's a manipulative arsehole.

Thisismytimetoshine · 12/03/2020 15:14

Oh, who could be bothered with that nonsense?
He knows you’ve annoyed him but he doesn’t know why... Why would you even consider maintaining a friendship with a simpleton like that?

AlwaysCheddar · 12/03/2020 15:15

He’s nuts. Manipulative.

Cherrysoup · 12/03/2020 15:18

So he's trained his poor bloody wife to shut up because he's annoyed at some random non-existent thing? Jesus, he's an idiot. Why are you friends with him? Given something about the texts annoyed him but you can't understand what, it clearly wasn't in the texts. He's just forcing you to suck up his shit behaviour and act like his down trodden wife. Don't cave into the idiot.

Nanny0gg · 12/03/2020 15:20

What a waste of time.

Stop bothering with him

DontCallMeShitley · 12/03/2020 15:23

'I am sorry you are such an asshole. Do let me know when you can behave like a normal human being with a brain' should do it.

Sunflowersok · 12/03/2020 15:24

You can’t just be mad at someone for no reason, (because there isn’t in his case), expect someone to grovel for you that’s bonkers behaviour. He owes you an apology for being a knob tbh.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/03/2020 15:25

Why is it YOUR responsibility to 'cool him down' because HE wound HIMSELF up about something and even he doesn't know what it was?

It sounds as though he thinks he's found the perfect recipe to get people dancing around him on tiptoe. Tell them that they've annoyed him (in some completely unspecified and probably untrue way) and then sit back and watch while they debase themselves until he deems them forgiven.

His poor poor wife.

GabsAlot · 12/03/2020 15:25

Did you call him boring.... in a dream

Savemefromthis4 · 12/03/2020 15:26

he sounds alright idiot. If you can't think why you annoyed him then you clearly haven't annoyed him. Do you think there's anything wrong with his head?

SmileyClare · 12/03/2020 15:36

I'm sorry you're such an asshole Grin

If he got upset during a text conversation why doesn't he look back through the texts to find the "reason" Confused
He's actually making you feel unsettled and confused- nasty behaviour from him.

This odd sensitive flower behaviour is probably causing you to be treading on eggshells around him in case of some sort of perceived slight. He sounds completely self involved. Warning: Red flag alert.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/03/2020 15:48

So he is abusive to his wife aswell? No one just shuts up and apologises when they don't even know what or if they have done anything wrong, unless they are worried or scared of what will happen.

TheDogsMother · 12/03/2020 15:49

God he sounds awful. I pity his wife and I certainly wouldn't put up with it as a friend.

Lynda07 · 12/03/2020 15:49

I have come across people like him, very sensitive about what is said to him but insensitive to the feelings of others. You can't win. Don't apologise, let it go.

ThatLibraryMiss · 12/03/2020 15:53

If he got upset during a text conversation why doesn't he look back through the texts to find the "reason"

I was wondering this, glad I'm not the only one! It's not like text messages self-destruct in five seconds, is it?

I suspect he doesn't look for the reasons is that there isn't one, and the OP could also look back at the same texts and point this out.

gamerchick · 12/03/2020 15:54

Tell him to get in touch when he's grown up and that you're not going to put up with his shit like his wife does.

Then move on with your life.

FartingInTheFence · 12/03/2020 16:04

Tell him to fuck off and block him.

Be happy and live your life without such idiots.

MissBax · 12/03/2020 16:08

My mind also just went straight to pheobe haha. I would be completely considering whether I want this person as a friend to be honest

Fluffybutter · 12/03/2020 16:12

Blimey , how does he deal with really serious issues ?
Sounds a bit of bellend

redastherose · 12/03/2020 16:21

I'm with the PP's, he's not a good bloke. He gaslights his wife and you. It is awful being made to apologise for something so slight that he can't even say what it was that has annoyed him and even worse being made to apologise for something that you didn't do or say. He is manipulating both you and his wife into allowing him to do or say whatever he wants and punishing you with the silent treatment until you grovel an apology which he doesn't deserve. Don't feed into this shit, he will get worse if you do. Ignore him if he acts like this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2020 16:25

"he said yes id done something that had got his back up but he didnt know what."
He didn't know what because there wasn't anything to know. Because he's an idiot. He could have looked back over the 15 minutes of text conversation and found it. He didn't, because there was nothing to find.

"Ive always found it strange, (and to be fair to her its mostly him who sees something takes to heart) she just closes down and apologises and they move on. they very rarely argue and very rarely get there point over to each other so they both tend to bottle things up."
So he has regular hissy fits, she apologises for 'whatever', and they can't communicate because his hissy fits put the mockers on that. He's sabotaging his own marriage, and yes I'd call that emotional abuse of his wife. She must spend her entire life walking on eggshells waiting for his next taking-offence-at-bugger-all.

"according to him I spun him up and wound him up when I should have cooled him down. Hmm."
And when did you become responsible for 'cooling him down' - by which I suspect he means agreeing with him and stroking his overinflated ego?

No, he is not a "good bloke". He is an exceptionally arsey and selfish little git. He likes to have you and his wife and who knows how many others pander to his petulance. HE IS AN ARSE and you should tell him so. With luck he'll go in such ahuff you won't even have to block him (although you should anyway).

Isthistrueor · 12/03/2020 16:28

Why are you even friends with him? He sounds like an overgrown child.

HannaYeah · 12/03/2020 16:32

You could tell him he’s a ridiculous idiot. Then apologize for saying it out loud.

hardboiledeggs · 12/03/2020 16:33

Absolutely not! Nothing to apologise for and even if you did, this "friends" behaviour doesn't warrant an apology.

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