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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help with what to do about my elderly neighbour

67 replies

AMANursery · 12/03/2020 06:06

Hi all, not necessarily an AIBU but not sure where to post, really.

I have been concerned about my elderly neighbour that lives directly below me for months now. I am unsure of his health status as I have only met him briefly twice, however I am certain that there is some form of mental health issue. The issue started with him posting letters through our letterbox regularly apologising for the constant noise. As there was no noise, we would write letters back saying please don’t worry there is no noise. (We would go around to speak to him face to face but he wouldn’t answer the door)
After a couple of weeks of posting letters, tradespeople then started turning up to our flat, ordered by our neighbour to investigate this phantom noise. The tradespeople ranged from plumbers to electricians to gas engineers. Each time I explained the situation, allowed them entry for peace of mind but the conclusion was always the same. There is no issue. It started to get to the point where we’d be receiving 3 visits from different tradespeople per week.
I started to get concerned about the amount of money my neighbour must be spending on tradespeople so I contacted age uk to see what I could do. I was hoping to be able to arrange some form of welfare check. They basically said with no consent from the neighbour they couldn’t do anything. I called social services who also said the same thing. I called the property manager who said he was aware of the situation as the neighbour also calls him regularly. I asked what we could do and he said he has no details on my neighbour and due to him not allowing access to his property, his hands are also tied. The property manager informed me that the neighbours main concern is that this ‘noise’ is unsettling for us and our baby.
I wrote the neighbour a very long letter thanking him for being so concerned about this noise but assuring him that there is no noise and that I really want him to stop wasting money on tradespeople.

It all went quiet for a couple of weeks so I thought the issue was over.

Fast forward to this morning, 5am I am woken up to the buzzer. I answer and it’s the fire brigade saying there has been reports of a fire in my home. They come in, investigate, no fire. They then say they are going to make some calls. 10 minutes later they come back and ask if we have issues with our neighbour. I said I am aware of him and he said that he had called them because he was worried our phone batteries had died. Clearly, whatever issue is going on is getting worse and I just don’t know what to do or who to ask to help him.
I know nothing about him, only his first name.
Would it be dramatic to call the police 101 to explain? I am worried that emergency services is going to be our neighbours next point of call and concerned about what a waste of resources this is. If I call and explain do you think maybe they could go round and do a welfare check or something? Or am I going to be wasting police time?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 12/03/2020 07:02

I would find your nearest GP practise and email them/pop in and explain the situation.

Make sure you mention you know they cannot give you any information but a first name and address could be enough.

As a PP said, wasting resources by calling out the Fire Service could trigger SS coming to visit.

I wish you luck OP

Skeeter2020 · 12/03/2020 07:03

Hi OP, from the information you've provided there's a probability his behaviour will escalate and become more risk taking over time. Examples of escalation could involve things like trying to gain access to your property, becoming increasingly hostile that he's not being believed, fire setting to rid you of the noise and so on.

I very much doubt social services or GP will be particularly proactive. If you want action taken my advice would be to contact the police and tell them that you're being harassed. Advise them of your concerns about his mental state and ask them if they can ask their own mental health professionals (most forces now have these) to attend when they visit.

Your report to the police needs to be predominantly concerned with the harassment. They don't be as interested in you as just a concerned neighbour worried about somebody's mental state.

It's really sad but you really need to think about the safety of you and your baby.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/03/2020 07:11

I agree with Skeeter. Whatever the cause, this is harassment. I note there was a new excuse this time - your phone batteries having died. What will it be next?

It does sound like he’s not going to stop and is going to come up with ever increasing intrusions on your life. He needs stopping and appropriate MH support if necessary.

Mollymalone123 · 12/03/2020 07:13

Hi op

This is exactly how my MIL behaved when she was just diagnosed with Alzheimer’s,I expect they are auditory hallucinations- please contact adult social services.My mil was in a detached bungalow and was convinced there were birds or scraping noises in her roof- she got us and several neighbours over to listen for the noise in her ceiling.

Please call them as they absolutely will do a welfare visit-

Patch23042 · 12/03/2020 07:14

Poor chap. For his sake and yours, report him for harrassment. You’ll just get fobbed off otherwise.

OverByYer · 12/03/2020 07:18

Agree with PP your only option is the police/ harassment route.
As you’ve said SS and GP won’t do anything without the mans consent. If police attend they can put referrals in as well - hopefully with name date of birth etc; so that GP can be alerted.

StrongTea · 12/03/2020 07:34

Landlord must know his surname, or postie will. Had similar with neighbour who was imagining noises from inside her house, from through the walls etc. Spoke to police who gave me social services number but because she wasn’t on their system they couldn’t do much. However docs did check up and decided she was okay. She then ran someone over and police were involved. I was constantly on phone to social services because of her odd behaviour and when I went over one morning discovered her fridge was broken and she was surviving on cakes. Read the riot act to social services and they came that day and she agreed to go into care.

Noworrieshere · 12/03/2020 07:35

We had an elderly family member who behaved in a similar way. She was eventually diagnosed with a mental illness, not dementia, I can't remember.
But it was so hard to get her any help because she didn't want to. Eventually when she kept phoning the fire brigade about imaginary fumes, when her neighbours had to evacuate their house in the middle of the night for the 3rd time because of the imaginary fumes, the fire brigade referred her to social services. The gp didn't do anything before that because she hadn't given her consent.
I wonder if you report each incident to the police if they will do something similar eventually?
Thanks for being so kind about him, that's really generous.

hereiamagain84 · 12/03/2020 07:41

Sounds a bit like Lewy body dementia with auditory hallucinations...I would try logging it with vulnerable adults which is a seperate team to standard social services. We always get told a name and address will get the bsll rolling...

brendansbuddy · 12/03/2020 07:46

If you are in the UK you should call Social Care Direct (Google it in your area). They will have an Adult team and you should report this, your concerns about risks and the impact on others. I did this for an elderly neighbour wandering in the snow and they intervened. Good luck and what a sad situation.

GameChange123 · 12/03/2020 07:48

council tax public register (library?) or ask Postie?

Ghostontoast · 12/03/2020 08:02

Some relatives had similar problems with their next-door neighbours. At first they thought the issues were caused by alcohol, going by the number of empties put out, but then realised there was more going on.They contacted social services, neighbours GP, Police, all sorts but nothing happened.

They just avoided them and made sure they weren’t on the road when they saw the neighbours drove off.

It was only after one of the neighbours fell out of a window that it turned out both had early-onset dementia.

kasho5 · 12/03/2020 08:03

If he owns his own flat then you could do a title search on the land registry website which is £3 to get his name.

Nearlyalmost50 · 12/03/2020 08:11

I agree with adult social care services being contacted and tell them he's extremely vulnerable. See if you can find mail with his last name on at least. Poor you, that's worrying.

ShootEmUpSarsaparilla · 12/03/2020 08:20

Poor fella and poor you OP!

Absolutely not an overreaction to call the police on 101 and ask for a welfare check. They might be able to start off a referral to adult social services.

livelyredjellybean · 12/03/2020 08:38

Friend has exactly the same problem re getting anyone to be interested in a vulnerable older person as you - because she isn’t related to him (his family have disowned him 🙄) and they can’t get his consent, they can do nothing to help him. It is utter madness!! He crashes his car on a fortnightly basis (usually into walls), has poor personal hygiene, memory issues and isn’t eating properly. Surely it’s part of dementia/Alzheimer’s that the person suffering doesn’t necessarily realise they have a problem?!

livelyredjellybean · 12/03/2020 08:40

Adult Social services , the GP nor Age Concern are able to do anything without his consent. Utter madness!

LIZS · 12/03/2020 08:46

If he owns the property authorities can do a land registry check or even just Council Tax register or electoral roll. Adult Social Services should have an older persons' officer. He may already be on their radar.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/03/2020 08:46

It sounds more like dementia than tinnitus to me. Why would he call the fire brigade worried that their phone batteries had died? The 'noises' thing is very common, my DM heard things and believed things that were demonstrably untrue, but you could not reason her out of her beliefs.

He needs help or an intervention from some agency, poor chap. If you talk to him, does he mention family ever? Or does the landlord have an emergency contact number? It may be time to use it.

UpperLowercaseSymbolNumber · 12/03/2020 08:47

To get his full name looking at the post that comes in would be easiest. Alternatively the electoral roll (normally at the library) or given he owns his flat you can pull the purchase details from the Land Registry. You have to register and it cost about £3.

namechangedforthis1122 · 12/03/2020 08:52

Can he hear you shushing the baby ? (Lol)

LauraMipsum · 12/03/2020 09:17

In my teens I used to wake up smelling smoke and had to go and check the whole house for a fire. It was frightening. It eased off thank goodness but something similar might be happening to your neighbour. In older people it can be associated with Alzheimers or Parkinsons so I'd try social services again.

jessycake · 12/03/2020 09:21

Im guessing it is dementia , and probably no amount of letters and reassurance will make any long term difference . To him it is as real as everything you think and hear .

Littlebookwormiam · 12/03/2020 09:25

What a difficult situation for you OP. Yes, I think calling 101 would be a good idea.

scubadive · 12/03/2020 09:32

Hi op, hearing noises is a common issue for people with mental health. What’s a normal noise to one person can become a huge noise to someone with certain mental health issues.

Definitely contact the police, explain the issue, you also don’t need to be woken up at 5 am with a small baby, it’s intrusive to your life. The police are used to dealing with mental health issues and if he is on their radar then they can go and visit him and can often arrange help.