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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is there a future for us?

47 replies

Nel99 · 11/03/2020 18:47

Me(21) and my fiance (29) have been together for almost 5 years, we currently live with his father so I can cook for his father as well. He has a business with his father, I am a qualified personal trainer but he prefers me staying at home and cooking ect. so I quit my job last year. He is very into strength sports and spends most of his money on his training,nutrition and supplements. I wanted to get married (small court marriage) soon after we got engaged but he wants to wait about 4 more years. I recently had a miscarriage and I am so torn because a doctor told me I would strugle to get pregnant so when I saw the blood clots and felt pain worse than any period cramps I have ever had my heart sunk (we were not trying but I believe every baby is a miracle and needs to be cherished) after living through the worst week of my life I did not receive any support from my partner, when I asked him after a few weeks if he felt anything about the miscarriage he told me he did not feel anything about it, it didn't affect him. I was so stunned and awe struck, it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. Now every time I bring up the topic of babies or the future he just tells me that he does not know what he sees in his future. I have no idea what to do? Do I move back in with my mother and start looking for a job and a place of my own or do I keep trying with him. I am truly and deeply in love with him.

OP posts:
Meltedwellie · 11/03/2020 18:54

Yes, move back in with your mother and get your life in order without him. You will meet someone decent in the long run. Yes, it’s easy for me to say as you have strong feelings for him but he doesn’t seem to have the same for you so don’t waste valuable time and potentially be in the same situation with him in five years time. Believe me please, I know from experience, even though it feels so hard just now, you will get over him and when you meet someone decent you will wonder why you ever wanted to be with your fiancé.

SRK16 · 11/03/2020 18:55

I’m sorry but he sounds awful. He doesn’t want you to have your own life, he wants you at home to cook and clean for him and his dad- that’s pure selfishness on his part and to me is a huge red flag. The lack of sympathy and care about the miscarriage are another red flag. I’m sorry for your loss, miscarriages are horrendous regardless of whether the pregnancy was planned or not. He sounds totally uncommitted and uncaring. Don’t give up your life for someone like this.

100% leave him and go live with your mum until you’re on your feet again.

HollowTalk · 11/03/2020 18:57

I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

Flowers

You say I am a qualified personal trainer but he prefers me staying at home and cooking ect. so I quit my job last year - this was a really big mistake. Why should you give up your job? He's got you exactly where he wants you and he's thinking of himself, not you.

Put yourself first. Go back to your mum's and look for another job. Don't stay in love with a man who treats you badly.

Dozer · 11/03/2020 18:57

Leave.

Loving him is not a good reason to stay.

It was a massive mistake to stop paid work. Don’t do that for a man!

Having a DC with him would not be sensible.

Dozer · 11/03/2020 18:59

Sorry, that was insensitive. miscarriage is v v sad. Have experienced it.

But please don’t ttc with this man again.

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/03/2020 19:02

So...you cook for he and his dad, left your job because he pressurised to (how do you support yourself, btw?) and you've just had a miscarriage, which he is not supporting you with.

Why are you with this man? Love really isn't everything. You need respect, trust and support more.

Do not have kids with this man and do not waste anymore of your years on him.
LTB.

RubyG3112 · 11/03/2020 19:03

Whether you stay with him or not, you really should consider getting back into personal training, I'm on maternity leave and love being at home with my son, but still sometimes feel a bit redundant not having a career anymore and not going out everyday with a purpose. I can't imagine giving up my job, especially at 21 with the soul purpose of cooking for my boyfriend and his father. It's very kind of you but sometimes you need to put yourself first.

Hercules12 · 11/03/2020 19:03

run.

lilybetsy · 11/03/2020 19:05

run run run and do not look back

Fluffybutter · 11/03/2020 19:07

Please move out , it sounds like he’s treating you like a skivvy ,you’re worth more than that

Rhubarbpeony · 11/03/2020 19:08

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage Flowers

I agree - this is the time to move back in with your mum and leave this relationship. He sounds awful - not just the lack of sympathy over your baby, which is terrible, but the fact that he wants you at home and cooking instead of working (this makes you so vulnerable), and the fact that he has no interest in marriage when it’s important to you. It’s also a massive red flag that you started going out with him when you were 16 and he was 24 - combined with the other ways in which he tries to control your life, it’s a really bad sign.

You are so young and your whole life is ahead of you. This relationship is going to take and take and take from you, and give nothing back. Please get out before it takes any more.

Sleepy123Head123 · 11/03/2020 19:10

Get back into your field of employment asap, you must have money for your present, future & retirement

Then move if you wish

Do not rely on anyone else !

IceColdCat · 11/03/2020 19:11

This is terrible OP and you need to leave as soon as you can.

NeverYouMind123 · 11/03/2020 19:14

He was 24 and you were 16? Just because it's legal... doesn't make it right.

willloman · 11/03/2020 19:18

Leave. Get your own life and someone who actually cares migh just coe along.

willloman · 11/03/2020 19:19

That's might just come along...

Sleepy123Head123 · 11/03/2020 19:21

Is there any future - NO

Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2020 19:22

Why do you love him? He sounds horrible.

mrscatalano · 11/03/2020 19:26

Honestly OP, the first line alone made me want to scream run for the hills. Any 24 year old who thinks it's ok to be in a relationship and move in with a 16 year old would worry me. So many red flags.

Please get out, get your life back and find some independence. He's not a good guy, he doesn't care about your life and your future and you deserve so much more.

This is going to sound really patronising but it isn't meant to be. You have nothing to compare this to as he's your only adult relationship and didn't actually start when you were an adult. Life isn't supposed to be like this. You should be having fun, seeing friends, building your career if that's what you want.

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage, you must be in a lot of pain especially as he's not supporting you.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/03/2020 19:28

There are big red flags for abuse here -

The age gap when you started going out. He was an adult, you were a child.

The fact he wanted you to give up work and cook and clean for him and his dad.

His horrible reaction to your miscarriage. Even if he didn't see it the same way you did, he could have surely had some empathy when he saw you were suffering. Also some abusive men dont like it when babies come along as they resent their partners attention not being 100pc on them any more

I'd use this as an opportunity to reflect on your relationship, build your career again and start again with someone that wants to treat you as more than a servant

swazzle2000 · 11/03/2020 19:35

5 years when you're that young is a long time to be with someone. You aren't the person you were when you met him, and neither is he. If he's seriously that uncaring about you losing a baby, he's got you to quit your job to be a stay at home.. chef, and can't tell you where he sees his future, I'd be moving out.
I know it'll probably feel like you are going back to square 1, but you're only 21! You've got a whole world out there waiting for you, and I promise you will find someone who is so much more worth your time than this guy.
I know you've been with him since you were 16, but you aren't that 16 year old anymore and you deserve more.

Pack your bags, and go.

FlapAttack23 · 11/03/2020 19:41

Run for the hills and never look back

PassMeTheNutella · 11/03/2020 19:48

You've been groomed as a child and now you're a live in servant... Leave! (But let's face it, you won't).

HollowTalk · 11/03/2020 19:59

Talk to your mum, OP. Tell her everything.

Sparklesocks · 11/03/2020 20:06

Please get out and don’t look back

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