Is there a future for us?

[Nel99]

Me(21) and my fiance (29) have been together for almost 5 years, we currently live with his father so I can cook for his father as well. He has a business with his father, I am a qualified personal trainer but he prefers me staying at home and cooking ect. so I quit my job last year. He is very into strength sports and spends most of his money on his training,nutrition and supplements. I wanted to get married (small court marriage) soon after we got engaged but he wants to wait about 4 more years. I recently had a miscarriage and I am so torn because a doctor told me I would strugle to get pregnant so when I saw the blood clots and felt pain worse than any period cramps I have ever had my heart sunk (we were not trying but I believe every baby is a miracle and needs to be cherished) after living through the worst week of my life I did not receive any support from my partner, when I asked him after a few weeks if he felt anything about the miscarriage he told me he did not feel anything about it, it didn't affect him. I was so stunned and awe struck, it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. Now every time I bring up the topic of babies or the future he just tells me that he does not know what he sees in his future. I have no idea what to do? Do I move back in with my mother and start looking for a job and a place of my own or do I keep trying with him. I am truly and deeply in love with him.

I’m not going to comment on the age gap as that gap (same ages) worked for me so in my case I don’t see it as a big deal but I would be concerned that you are living in this guys house, you have quit your job because he prefers it to cook for him and his dad, he won’t marry you or give you comfort after losing a child.
Again, I can’t say anything about the marriage as I’m not married and I have a child but I am also a 50:50 owner in my house and work for my own money. You are leaving yourself very financially vulnerable right now

What HollowTalk said

Do that and then think about what she says...he's done a number on you.

He was 25 going out with a 16year old
He prefers you to stay at home and you quit your job for him.

Run.

2 males are completely able to cook, clean, laundry for themselves
Or
They can pay someone at least £10 per hour

Why the hell are you looking after them for FREE ?

He sees you as a handy live in cook and housekeeper. Please please move on and find someone who values you for you.

This is not the man for you. He is not capable/willing to be the partner you deserve and want.

Leave and do not have a baby with this man.

Go back and live with your mum. This bloke just wants a skivvy with sex on tap. He doesn't really care about you.

You don't love him, you love who you think he is. And that person isn't there.

I wouldn't read as so much into his reaction, it's quite common for men not to be "emotionally invested" in babies till they actually see them. This may sound harsh, but it's genetic.

Nope, no way do you have a future with him (unless you actually WANT a life of cooking/ cleaning/ washing/ ironing/ shopping blah, blah......for him to turn round and tell you another 5 or 10 years from now that actually, you're getting too old for him, so he dumps you for an 18 yr old)

There are too many BIG red flags with this specimen of a 'man' for there to be any chance of a future.

You are his cook, cleaner and general skivvy cos he's far too busy pumping up his muscles to bother with actual REAL life ! And God forbid YOU might need love and support :( He sees YOUR role in his life is to take care of HIM ! That's NOT equal, NOT balanced, NOT respectful, NOT loving or caring and NOT bloody well 1950 !

Never mind what HE wants, what do YOU want to be doing in 5 years?

If it's actually having a fulfilling and rewarding job and relationship with a chance of happiness, then follow these 3 steps.

1. Just pack your shit and move out to your mums today, fuck him and what HE wants you to do for him and his Dad !

He's made it very obvious that he doesn't actually give a shit about you and your needs :( and also, he's a grown up and so's his dad !)

1. Get yourself a new job, make more friends and start living ffs ! You're 21, not 51 ! :)

1. Have a chance of finding true love and happiness in the future by blocking him and moving on ! Just because he's all you have known, it doesn't mean it's what you have to put up with :)

Leave him today, and start actually living for YOU. xx

I was so stunned and awe struck, it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. Now every time I bring up the topic of babies or the future he just tells me that he does not know what he sees in his future

And you are truly and deeply in love with him? Why?

So many red flags. You are not his fiance, you are his and his father's unpaid housemaid and cook. If he has so little feeling for you after you went through something so horrendous, what can there possibly be about him that you love. You undoubtedly love the idea of him but he is not worthy of your love. If you've been with him since you were 16 you may be forgiven for believing this is what all relationships are like but they are not.

Please do yourself a massive favour and leave.

Wishing you all the very best

Why on earth aren't you working? Do you see how vulnerable that makes you? Get a job and get out. He doesn't care that you miscarried? Wow, I couldn't be with someone so unfeeling.

Please get away from this man. He is abusive.

I recently had a miscarriage and I am so torn because a doctor told me I would strugle to get pregnant

I am sorry to hear this, but unless you are missing vital reproductive organs or have experienced premature ovarian failure (which results in early menopause), you are able to conceive and need to use reliable birth control. What exactly did this doctor tell you because so many women say 'the doctor' told them they 'couldn't get pregnant' and they wind up with several children because they don't use birth control.

So sorry about your miscarriage.

I am a qualified personal trainer but he prefers me staying at home and cooking ect. so I quit my job last year.

This made really really sad for you. You deserve better. You deserve to decide what you do with your own life and career. You deserve a partner who supports you. Go back to your mums, take some time to figure out what you really want out of life and then go get it.

Get back to your mum and get back to your job. Your life will get better, not with this man.

Your fiancé sounds selfish, controlling and cruel, why would you want him in your life? Get away from him as soon as you can. Good luck

Move out now! You’re ruining your life. He’s vile and you don’t want this for the next 60 years!

So you gave up your job to become some kind of old fashioned housewife, living off a man you aren’t even married too? What the hell? Can’t actually believe I’ve just read this post tbh

It’s 2020, leave and come in to the modern world....

Your just the un paid help, no future here

Virtually 100% have said leave, I would love to know who the 23% YABU voters are who are obviously too gutless to actually type a response.

You're 21. TWENTY ONE.

Stop trying to make children before you are married and secure.
Stop trying to make children with a man that you have needed to post on a forum of anonymous people about.

Get a job because the next sixty years are going to bore the fuck out of you with no direction or meaning. Why, at 21, did you agree to quit your job? Madness. Don't you have any ambitions?

And leave.

Leave ASAP, he’s a controlling wanker.