To want just one day off

[JustOneDayOff]

Since my son has been born in late 2017 I have not had a single day off from looking after my son, cooking and cleaning. My husband can't cook (but it's more of a case of won't cook), or clean (I had to scrub the bathroom clean at 8 months pregnant because when I ask my husband to clean he just wipes the sink with toilet paper). My son still needs a nap and needs rocked to sleep for about 20 minutes and every day I have to do it (even at weekend when my husband home). Then he sleeps on you otherwise he wakes up. Even when we went to inlaws for Christmas I had to rock him to sleep and do bulk of looking after my son. AIBU to want just one f*ing day off. I'm on the verge of tears - is this my f**ing life now. Even when I was at university or working full time I had a day off where I did nothing. Anyone else with a young toddler who is experiencing the same? How do you cope?

I would also try to nip the rocking in then I'd

What happens if you don't rock him? Does he gets more and more hysterical?

Then what happens?

You need a serious conversation with your husband about he needs to grow up, learn to be an adult and learn to be a parent. If he won't, you need to think about giving him an ultimatum, and be prepared to follow through on it.

You need to sleep train the toddler and toddler train the husband.

It won't harm either of them to be alone and will benefit your DH in the long run

I don’t know why you don’t just go out for the day! Just tell him you’re doing something and off your go.

I think he’s getting a hard time here, when you haven’t actually told us what his response to the above would be.

If I were you I'd be tempted to book into a hotel for a night. Lay on the bed, watch tv, or meet up with someone, have a bath. Leave your ds. Your (d)h will only step up if he's made to. When I split with ds he suddenly had to start looking after his kids - that's why he brought them to his mother's house... Could you suggest he brings baby to visit his family so you get some R&R. It's no-brainer really. Your relationship is going to break down if you don't do something as one day you will ask yourself what is he contributing, how does he fulfil any of your needs. I'm angry FOR you but also only YOU can change what YOU do....

You're being a martyr. I used to be the same.

You need to walk out the door "bye, I'm off shopping, back in 2 hours" and do it. Turn you phone onto silent, and get out. And you do it once a week, then twice, then more often. I joined a gym, and often used to go for a half hour swim, use the sauna/steam room then sit in the cafe for an hour or two.

Your DH won't look after the DC the way that you do - and that was the hardest thing for me to get to grips with. He will sit on his phone, ignore, but as long as the kids are physically safe, they will start to get used to each other. You've slowly evolved as a parent, let him do the same.

He's no need to act like a parent when you are doing 100% of the role - you slowly but surely hand at least 30% of it over. As for the rest, you can eat ready meals once or twice a week without keeling over - get a bag of easy cook veg to go with it, and download the instructions for the microwave.

Have you not explained to him? When he asks for lunch do you just get up and sort it? You shouldn’t have to tell him, but sounds like he needs a telling.

You need to stop being a martyr.

Stop rocking your child to sleep immediately, he’s far too old for this. And look into booking him into nursery 2 mornings a week, it will do you both good.

Could you book a cleaner? Agree with what others have suggested book a hair / nail appt or a night away in a hotel and make your husband step up.

I think you need to try letting DC self-settle. It will take a while, but you've got to do it at some point, you can't rock him until he's 18 and it will only get harder the longer you leave it.

Secondly, I understand you feeling the relentlessness of childcare and housework drudgery. It is never ending. Can you get your DC into nursery/preschool/childminder once a week? I get one morning a week when my toddler is at preschool and it is glorious. Totally reviving. Most of the time I'll use the morning for housework and life admin but occasionally I'll go for a swim or watch crap tv under a blanket eating biscuits. Recharge however you need.

Thirdly, DH needs to start doing more housework. Dyspraxia or not, I'm sure he can push a vacuum around a room a couple of times a week. Make a list of all the chores and say "right, so much to do. What do you want to tackle first?"

Does DH go out by himself? Does he go out with friends? Does he go to the gym? Does he have hobbies? Have you spoken to your DH about how you're feeling or are you just doing everything, seething silently and expecting things to spontaneously change?

What are you hoping for? A night out with friends? A night out with DH? A few hours a week in the gym or at a book club? A takeaway every Friday so you don't have to cook? You need to have a big conversation with DH and tell him what you want to change. Be specific.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but nope. My first was born in 2013 and I haven't had a single day off. My second and third were born 2018 and 2019... My OH works full time 8-5 and I work from home still. I can't remember the last time I had a bath without being interrupted. Nor going to the toilet alone. I can't remember the last time I went out... But that's the sacrifice you make when you have kids. Being a parent doesn't come with days off unfortunately. (I wish it would)

You say your husband can't (won't) clean. Well, firstly, does he work? Or is he at home sat on his backside all day, if its the latter then make him do it. Hand him a bottle of antibac a cloth and tell him to get on with it. Hand him a recipe book and set him up in the kitchen. If he is isn't working he needs to pull his weight.

As for your 2 year old... Stop rocking him to sleep... Like now. This is a habit you need to break immediately or else your setting a rod for your own back. Set him down to sleep and let him cry it out. Seriously he needs to learn how to get himself to sleep..

Best of luck OP..

Being a parent doesn't come with days off unfortunately. (I wish it would)

Of course it does, if the other parent plays an equal part in raising children. You can choose not to have days off (my youngest is 8 and I have only ever had a couple of nights away from him, but that's by choice), but if you have a two parent family and no special circumstances, then there is no reason why a mother can't have a day off. Fathers don't seem, in general, to have problems getting a day off from parenthood. *

• yes, I know that's a generalisation

Any kind of sleep training or bad-habit-breaking can't happen when you're emotional, exhausted and upset. So while all these posters saying you need to break the rocking to sleep thing are probably right, I don't think you can or should prioritise that at this point. What yo need to prioritise is your own mental health and getting some rest.

Your dh needs to step up. And you need to let go. So yes, if you go out, the baby might not have as much of a good time as if you're at home. But that's for your DH and him to sort. I had this at bath times with baby ds. DH would try to bath him, he'd scream, I'd take over. Until DH started telling me to just leave the house so that none of us was tempted to let me take over. I spent a lot of time wondering around our local 24 hour Tesco! . But he was right. He couldn't learn to do it for himself if I was there worrying and stressing.

If he asks for lunch, tell him you don't know and if he's hungry, to please organise. If you're feeling kind, tell him what's in the fridge/freezer.

if he refuses to clean and you're willing to do it, make sure he understands that he doesn't get to enjoy chilling out. He should be be feeding the toddler/ tidying up/ doing the washing /whatever while you're busy.

Go out. start small if you must but just go. Leave him with your DC and GO. Good luck.

If you want to change this, change it.

Has anyone said Ltb yet?

Couple of issues here, husband has to help you firstly and secondly stop rocking your child to sleep / let them sleep on you, your toddler should be able to be put down for a nap and that's it

Does your ds go to nursery? Even just a few hours a couple of mornings a week would give you a much needed break.

Sorry, but rocking to sleep for a nap and sleeping on you at age 2/3 years needs addressing. Newborns yes, toddlers no. Please try to break this habit. It will get worse before it gets better but it will be so worth it. There is a technique where you lay next to them and gradually move away each time.

Lastly your husband obviously needs to help you more. Maybe set aside one day a month where you have some time to yourself. Spell it out to him and tell him this is actually happening. Don't wait for him to offer and don't ask. This is a completely reasonable request.

Don't feel helpless and don't get upset, take back control, you can do this!

Tell your DH that for Mother's Day you are going out for the day on your own and he is looking after DC...

Seriously it's time you and DH has equal leisure time and he learnt how to be an adult and parent.

What @Toria70 said.

If you want a break, you can make it happen, but you need to come out of this 'the world will end if I don't do it all'. It won't. Of course your OH will find a way to cook something, and look after your DS without traumatising him.

Let him know that you need more time for yourself as you are growing miserable and agree when you are going to do so. Then do it and let them get on with it. It will get easier for all the more you do it.

If husband asks what's for tea, tell him. Better still, sit with him one day at the weekend and write a meal plan that is stuck on kitchen wall. Decide what meals you will do and what meals he will do (even if it is just bung in the oven food, at least he's doing it).

Stop rocking child to sleep, he is plenty old enough to self settle.

Tell husband you are having day out and go. Or tell husband you are having a day at home and he is taking child to zoo or whatever for the day so at least he is doing something with him.

P. S. The thing husband does with child is NOT to be going to his parents so he can sit there while his mother runs round after child!

I look at it this way. Is your husband going to harm your child if you leave them alone and go out for the day?

If the answer is no, (and I sincerely hope it is no) then just tell him you need a break and you're going out on X day, and that's that.

If you actually think he would harm his child then you have far bigger problems than being tired, unfortunately.

How can someone write such an OP and not figure out the issue. It makes no sense that you can write that your DH does nothing.....yet you don't seem to understand how things can change. What do you expect people to say here?

You should be entitled to 15 hours nursery this year if your DS is nearly 3? How about sending him for a couple of days a week anyway to give you a bit of a break.

Would also suggest getting a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week.

(I appreciate these things cost money and may not be possible)

I also agree with the other poster that your DH
is the problem. Sounds depressing and exhausting.

He won't get nursery until he's 3 which is late this year (OP said he was born late 2017). Main issue is your shitty husband. Second is a two year old who still needs rocking to sleep. Both are pretty unacceptable.

Well seems as if he's par for the course we hear this a lot which is a shame. OK I'm not the best cook around i employ someone to do that for other reasons, but even I can manage and theres a pizzas that can be delivered pre cooked and packed stuff from the freezer theres workarounds for that one but seems theres very little interaction with the lad which is a shame:(

I just love spending time with my grandchildren had to look after GDD 1 the other day had to go somewhere out in the sticks so shes in the front child seat and was telling me her life story but shes lovely to play with! same for the 2 Y/O boy too.

Pity, seems his missing ouit on a very important time:(

This dyspraxia, might that have anything to make it worse?.