To feel uncomfortable accepting money

[aquarianaura]

My dad has recently come into some money, not masses, but a substantial amount that could make a huge difference to him. He knew about getting this money in advance and has voiced his wish to gift some to DP and I to help us to move into a (rented) house. We repeatedly showed our gratitude, but said we would be more comfortable if the money were a loan.

Today, without saying anything, he's put money into my bank account, and it's a lot more than I had expected. I'm really not comfortable accepting it, but I'm not sure how to articulate why. Because I've been anxious and unwell recently, I got DP to text him instead of me doing it, just saying we've seen the money, would you like to come over to chat about it later on. Dad has now text me saying that the money is to help us move house when we're ready as well as extra for another expense and treats for us, and he's said that he told me he would. (except this isnt what we agreed, and I know he will refuse us paying him back)

He has form for over giving. Will pay for everything - whatever we're buying when we're in the shop with him, meals, household items, even cars. He isn't well off, he works for minimum wage. We, as well as another family member, had to actually really tell him off last year when it got too much, as though he's a child who doesn't listen. It really doesn't feel like he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart as he makes out, but again I can't articulate why I feel this way.

I really don't want to accept the full amount of this money, but I don't want to cause an argument because I don't have the strength to deal with it. He'll come over and tell me I'm being ungrateful and unreasonable and that we shouldn't feel guilty about accepting money because he's my dad and should be able to do nice things, etc. But it doesn't feel like a 'nice' thing to do.

YABU = Take the full amount of the cash with gratitude.
YANBU = It is weird and too much. Give half back and take the rest as a loan.

Bonus points if you help me articulate why I feel this way. Sorry for the long post.

Could you thank him and then make repayments into a savings account, which you could give him if you knew he was struggling? For instance if his washing machine broke down it would be good to be able to say you'd buy him a new one.

Don't fret too much, enjoy his gift if he has given it to you to help set up home. Just say thank you, if he has this money spare then maybe it will be of more use to you and your dp for the future.

I think most parents like to help their children when they can. Accept it for the gift it is, and be open hearted and prepared to help your dad if he needs it at some point later on. He wouldn’t give it if he didn’t feel he could afford it.

Gosh just accept it with good grace.

Your father is an adult who are you are anyone else to tell him he over gifts? he has chosen to gift his child this money don’t go throwing it back at him.

You either want the money or you don’t, what you can’t do is back part the gift as you don’t want it

I’d accept it gracefully and let him know how grateful you are.

You say he’s on NMW, does he struggle on that though? Is he’s older with no dependants he might manage his low income well. Is he in debt that you know of?

I’d trust that he understands his own circumstances and budget to allow him to give you this money happily.

I’d accept it with good grace and use it for a house move and some visible treats so your dad can see what you’ve done. If possible I’d keep some saved in case dad struggles for money or anything in the future.

I’m not sure why you feel so strongly like this, I’d understand you wanting him to spend his money on him, or ensuring he has enough money for himself, but he’s proved over time that he wants to spend money on you so I’d let him. Maybe then he’ll feel content that he’s achieved his goal and will calm down with the spending on you.
Or if it’s that you want to say to yourself that everything you’ve done is through your own hard work?

Accept it with good grace.

Please just accept it with a good grace. We've been very fortunate to be able to give our DC money towards house deposits - they've all said they'd prefer us to spend the money on ourselves but our tastes are fairly modest and we'd get far more pleasure from seeing them enjoying it.

Take it, say 'thank you' but put some money each month into a savings account like others have said. Then if he does ever struggle you can help him out (pay him back).

I borrowed some money from my Dad to set up my business, I had about £800 left to pay him and he said to forget about it. I insisted as I always pay my debts, and was also grateful he'd lent it to me in the first place, but he wouldn't take it and got a bit funny when I kept trying to make him!

I know what you mean because my PIL are like this, this give extravagant amounts or gifts but it’s not out of generosity, it’s because they want to tell their friends and relatives how they paid for x,y & z for us and how would we possibly manage without them?

The trick we’ve found is to gracefully and gratefully accept whatever we want, forcibly decline the things we don’t want and make it clear we don’t accept any strings attached to said gifts.

We know that they want to see us much more than we want to see them so the power is all on our side.

If you don’t want his money put it in a savings account and just leave it sitting there.

I really did suspect IABU, so thank you for helping me begin to see that. I think it's partly because my anxiety is having a massive flare up and I'm really not doing well.

Thank you to those of you who said to repay into savings in case he needs it, this is a great idea and I will do that.

@Babybel90 yep this is what I was feeling was happening, except I think my judgement is clouded because I've known other people to do that, my mother does it, and whilst my dad does to a degree, he probably is more generous and genuine than I think. Sorry you have to deal with that but glad you've figured out how to manage it!

Could there be any tax implications to this gift?
Is it in excess of what is allowed?
Perhaps you should seek legal advice?

Please take it with thanks.
We did the same for my son and his girlfriend, but paid a deposit and first 5 years mortgage, they wanted to pay us back, but we couldn't even consider it, my parents had left me a huge amount and I know that what they would have wanted.
It made me do happy I could fo that and I expect your Dad feels the same.

If your father has spare money

It is better for him to see you enjoy it whilst he is alive. Compared to you receiving it as inheritance when he has passed away

You are lucky

Make the most of it !

We have done something similar for the DSs. They have accepted with grace, knowing it's what we want.

If there's no benefit issues having this money just keep it somewhere safe until maybe he needs it again or needs something and you can help him back.

When my FIL died a few years ago my MIL gave us a large-ish gift from his pension payout or something. I was uncomfortable accepting it but she wanted us to have it, my FIL would've wanted us to have it and she said knowing we had some savings made her feel better.

Accept it with thanks - maybe buy him a small thank you gift like a nice bottle of his favourite tipple or a homemade cake or similar. He has been generous and deserves to feel appreciated. The savings account is a great idea.

It’s a gift to help you out, be gracious rather than unnecessarily proud.

What are the potential negative consequences of his over giving? Has any harm come of it? What do you think are his actual reasons for over giving, if not kindness?

How old is he and how is his health?

IIRC There are lookback rules around deprivation of assets if people have given large amounts away then need social care funding.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/deprivation-of-assets/

So if he is 58 and in good health it may well be fine.
If he is a 63 year old overweight diabetic with high blood pressure then it may be a more grey area.

I’d accept it and put it into a separate bank account until you figure out why it’s making you uncomfortable. I’m not sure about inheritance tax rules but I know that if I was old and had lots of money, I’d much rather give it away when it was useful than wait for it to be inherited.

"annual allowance is £3,000 for the 2017/18 tax year, which means you can gift up to £3,000 to your children (or to anyone else you choose) without paying inheritance tax.

This £3,000 limit applies as a total annual amount, so if you had already given £2,000 to one child you could only give up to £1,000 more during that financial year.

However, if you have not used last year's allowance, you can gift £6,000 this year and still avoid tax."

Look on www.money.co.uk. Gifting money

The amounts may have increased for 2020

Also a rules about gifting money 7 years before death & for special occasions like weddings, property deposits etc

Say thank you and move on? If you don't want to accept bung it into another account and don't touch it.

He wants to help you I can't get my head around why you would t accept it. What if he died and it was left on a will, would you use it then?