To wonder what a good emotional connection with your husband is like? Do you have one?

[MrsTumbletap]

I wonder what an emotional connection is like, in a marriage it's hard to get past the functional, the housework, child raising, sorting boring things like insurance, food shopping etc.

Where does the emotional connection come in? You go on a date night together enjoy the food, talk about the kids, about the holiday you may go on, but is that enough? What more is there?

If you do feel like you have a real emotional connection with your husband, what does that look like? When does it happen?

I feel like we are getting older and just going through the motions, DH says it's just being content and no men sit and talk about their feelings and emotions, and that if you can plod along its fine.

Maybe I watched too much Disney growing up, maybe I'm wanting to feel deeper, gush a bit more, but when you have been together over a decade it's harder isn't it?

For me I think it’s the moments alone where you’re just having a cuddle, not talking, just enjoying being together.

But my husband is open to talking about feelings and is an excellent communicator which is good because I am shit at it.

Also, Disney is wank and unhealthy, you know this really

My DH isn't a great gusher, but he's a good communicator. We spend time together in the evenings, watching the tele and chatting about whatever. We're affectionate and have good banter; we laugh a lot. I don't know, it's hard to explain, but we do feel connected to each other, without having to work that hard.

Yes very true!

But like you have said there 'just sitting next to each other having a cuddle' we do that too, but is that an emotional connection? Or is that just watching telly next to each other?

Do you fancy him?

To me, emotional connection with someone means that the person truly understands you. Can talk to you. Can listen to you and truly hear you. Can give you advice. Can beat some common sense into you if it was needed. Can laugh with you and cry with you. And, if it was necessary, just sit with you and give you a cuddle without saying anything.

Nothing exciting but that pretty much sums up emotional connection for me.

My OH knows how I feel before I do. We have a deep emotional connection.
If I fly off the handle he will know why and say " you are worried about X aren't you" , he can make connections even when I can't.

It's lovey being understood at such a deep level.

It’s an interesting one .. I’d like to think we do.
We laugh all the time , talk about the future and what we’d like to do and where we’d like to go .. we talk about how much we still love each other and the early days and of course our hopes for the children and their futures and what we’ll do when they’re both older and have moved out.
We’ve been together for 15 years and married for 4 this year

He knows when something is bothering me and when to say something or just leave me to my thoughts and I can tell the same with him

Ours is zero.
Married for 30 years and he doesn't listen and can't remember what I've said. Although has perfect recall with friends...
I have given up talking to him now. What's the bloody point?

I think there’s a difference between being together and being connected.

Take the example if TV. There’s a difference between watching tv in the same room and watching together. Someone we do one and sometimes the other😊 We have nights where we both just sit and play on our phones whilst half watching something, and times when we have a conversation about what’s going on, stop to discuss things, rewind a bit if one of us missed something, make silly jokes etc.

I think when you’ve been together a long time (together 24 years and married 17) you have to work to keep that connectedness going.

@Umberta Yes, but it's more than looks, I fancied some of my exes and we were not compatible.

I am attracted to someone that makes me laugh, someone that can chat and be interesting and DH can, but when there have been a few weeks of work, late nights and we haven't really chatted about anything substantial, other than bills, chores, child raising etc and there hasn't been a connection, I fancy him less. I feel more distant.

Does anyone else feel like that?

@tiggerkid yes I agree that's what I feel. But do you feel sometimes you have more of that connection with your friends or do you have all of that with your DH?

Plodding wouldn’t be enough for me. I’ve had one unhappy marriage, I wouldn’t settle for another.

There’s an awful lot to be said for contentment, it’s underrated, but part of contentment for me is precisely in the emotional connection we have. Shared sense of humour, care and consideration for each other, nearly imperceptible gestures that show you’re thinking about each other.

@Fluffybutter I think me and DH have those same conversations but I just feel like they are 'functional'. But maybe that is fine? Maybe that is what marriage is?

X post. Is it the newness of this person you fancy that’s attractive? What you want is the feeling you describe with someone you also share a history with. Someone who gives you butterflies, makes you glow.

I agree it's much more than looks. I didn't ask is he handsome. I said do you fancy him. That means want to be intimate with him, want to get close. If you don't fancy your husband you can sit together and think "what shall we do now this is boring". If you fancy him then it's exciting and lovely and you're interested in what he's saying etc

Me and my husband have been together for 13yrs.
I still look at him and think I really love you. He smiles or laughs and I properly fancy the pants off him.
We have had some lows over the years, I had PND, lost my parents and we have had financial struggles, but he has always been the constant. Sometimes I forget to tell him how much I love him, and he does need telling occasionally. He is much more tactile than I am, and he likes the physical reassurances, the hugs and kisses. It’s a cliche but you need to make time for one another. Even if it’s just five mins in bed listening to the radio.
What did you like to do together before kids?

@MrsTumbletap I suppose it’s all relative , it’s enough for us and brings us happiness and closeness in all aspects . We still fancy each other and have a good sex life too.
If what you have now doesn’t feel enough then it’s probably not enough for you .
Everyone deserves to be happy and feel fulfilled

We watch tv shows and read books and chat about them - we both have ones we are really into and that leads to exciting and interesting conversations. We cuddle a lot. We tell each other I love you a lot. I think we have a great emotional connection.

@FairyBatman that was the marriage my parents had, watching tv separately, living together but no connection, no love, my dad then had an affair.

I worry about that, I worry if there is no connection, the intimacy slowly fades, the sex stops, then in a few years the relationship is dead or loveless.

Yes I absolutely feel like that.

I also feel like theres an imbalance in my relationship. Hes a good communicator and finds it easy to tell me about his bad day, issues with his elderly Dad etc. I'm a good listener. So he probably feels very connected to me.

I need more time to talk and for it to be drawn out a bit. But I still have a need to be connected just as he does. I dont feel connected to him. I feel distance between us as I feel he doesnt really care about me as much. But really he just cares for me in a different way.

I guess I cant compare how i care for him with how he cares for me as we have different strengths. I'm a good listener hes good at doing practical things for me.

We had an argument about this just the other day and it's not resolved yet as normally when we confront things he tells me what I want to hear but then no change so this time I've just said let's not bother talk about it as I dont want to hear meaning less promises. I'm just going to have to work accepting how he is. And getting that emotional connected else where.

@RainbowFlowers yes I get what you mean. It's so hard to put into words though isn't it?

Maybe it's like these two scenarios:
Woman A' in a 10 year marriage, sits next to her DH on the sofa and they have chatted about the upcoming parents' evening, the pasta that needs adding to the food shop, then put the telly on, watch it for a couple of hours then go to bed, even have sex. But she can feel distant, not connected, not feel like it ever really punches through the surface.

Woman B can think that was a nice evening, I really feel connected to my husband. We snuggled on the sofa, we had sex, our marriage is great.

It's so hard to even know why the same situation can effect people differently.

Yes we all have different needs. And our needs can change aswell depending on friendships, how satisfying work it etc.

Do you feel your needs have changed or that the dynamic of your relationship has changed?

Because he'll say something and it will be exactly the point I was thinking about the subject.

Because we talk, not about emotions per se but if I do something that annoys him, he tells me and visa versa, we don't let things fester.

Also, sometimes I look at him and he's husband and father and other times I look at him and think, yes, he's pretty hot.