To wonder what a good emotional connection with your husband is like? Do you have one?

[MrsTumbletap]

I wonder what an emotional connection is like, in a marriage it's hard to get past the functional, the housework, child raising, sorting boring things like insurance, food shopping etc.

Where does the emotional connection come in? You go on a date night together enjoy the food, talk about the kids, about the holiday you may go on, but is that enough? What more is there?

If you do feel like you have a real emotional connection with your husband, what does that look like? When does it happen?

I feel like we are getting older and just going through the motions, DH says it's just being content and no men sit and talk about their feelings and emotions, and that if you can plod along its fine.

Maybe I watched too much Disney growing up, maybe I'm wanting to feel deeper, gush a bit more, but when you have been together over a decade it's harder isn't it?

Woman B can think that was a nice evening, I really feel connected to my husband. We snuggled on the sofa, we had sex, our marriage is great.

So exactly that.

@MrsTumbletap there are probably some things I'd chat with my friends about but wouldn't say that I can't get the same support from my husband.

Over the years I also found that it's necessary for some women to articulate to the husband/partner what exactly is required from them (even in terms of emotional support) because some men just don't get it otherwise. Some men are, of course, naturally more sensitive to their wives'/partners' needs but others just don't get it, and nobody can read minds.

If, after you articulate your needs for support clearly and regularly, you are still not getting the support you require, it's probably a cause to re-think the whole relationship.

Sorry if it's coming out all wrong and high and mighty... I don't want to lecture or patronise. Just would like to say that having emotional needs met is a complicated area. Sometimes, it's the matter of not understanding what exactly needs to be met. Other times, the person is just not good at expressing their feelings but they do care and it's obvious from their actions. And then, of course, there are those, who just don't care.

It's important to identify what the actual issue is because that would help address it.

Dh and I have been married 21 years, and we have a very strong emotional connection. We have been through so much over the years, and just get stronger and closer.
He works away lots (navy) which is hard, but we encourage each other, and do what we can for each other to thrive.
We never run out of things to talk about, but are just as happy chilling and not talking.

He still surprises me with thoughtful treats, notes, little things that show he really listens, like buying me a fancy light up magnifying glass I needed for my hobby.
He makes me feel valued, and valuable, if that makes sense?

It's laughing for me, when you can just chill together in the evening and end up making each other laugh til you cry. Definitely makes me feel close, having silly in jokes and being able to give each other side eyes and laugh all over again when you're out and about together.

@RainbowFlowers work is fine for both of us, and I don't think the relationship has changed really. DH said to me the other night that he has always been the same what has changed? I can't put my finger on it.

@tiggerkid you are not coming across as high and mighty at all, you are coming across as intelligent and helpful. You are right in that getting your emotional needs met is so complicated. I just feel like something is missing but I don't know what. My DH has asked what is it you want/need? And I don't know.

I did have with my XH. We could talk about anything and everything. No topic was so weird that raising it would make the other go 'what the hell made you think of THAT?' We could talk about feelings, the milkman's bill, where to go on holiday and what someone was wearing on Strictly in three minutes flat and follow one another's changes of tack instantly.

With XP I couldn't even discuss the weather. If I ever asked what he was thinking he'd say 'nothing'. No opinion, no mental flexibility, no emotion. So, no connection, certainly by the end.

@Zaphodsotherhead I think that might be one of the issues, the mental flexibility, the emotion.

Do you mind me asking why you split up with your XH if you had a good emotional connection?

@MrsTumbletap

I just feel like something is missing but I don't know what. My DH has asked what is it you want/need? And I don't know

Could it be that something is missing from your life in general, i.e. unrelated to your husband's ability to satisfy your emotional needs? It's a good start that he is interested in knowing what you need/want but the reason for my question is that I think sometimes it's possible that we are not satisfied with other areas of our lives and that dissatisfaction ends up getting projected into the relationship. In those cases, the other party cannot always resolve the issue because the issue may not be with them or their ability to meet our emotional needs.

Let me give you an example: in the early days of my marriage, I stayed at home with my son. I got married straight after uni, studied for another degree after getting married and had my son while doing my other degree. Then I had to look after my son while my husband worked. I didn't hate the fact that I had to stay at home but at the same time I often felt missing the adult conversation and there is only so much Teletubbies and day time TV you can watch before I felt I was going nuts. I was definitely missing the self-realisation part. Sometimes I argued with my husband over things that I now don't think he could actually reasonably resolve, and I actually did bring up emotional needs on occasion. Now, on reflection, I don't think his ability to meet my emotional needs was an issue then. I really think that it's my frustration with the lack of self-realisation and self-fulfillment that was a bigger issue and that's what was being projected into the relationship as seemingly the lack of emotional connection. I just couldn't find the right way to tell my husband then that I was deeply frustrated with not doing something more than childcare, cooking and cleaning. Equally, even if I did, he couldn't resolve that but this wouldn't be to do with his inability to satisfy my emotional needs.

Sorry for the rather long-winded story but I hope I am making sense :)

Over the decades my relationship with DH has gone through phases of intimacy and strong love, disconnect and apathy, and also irritation and dislike. It has not been consistant, but on balance I'd say we're happy.

I would ask you what you actually want to discuss? And are you bringing it up? If you are and he's shutting it down and not interested that's one thing, but if you're not "participating emotionally" either then it's hardly fair to expect him too.

What is it you envisage good couples with a high emotional connection talk about?

I would say my husband and I have a great emotional connection and really get each other - without needing to actually discuss anything or talk. He can walk in a room and instantly know if there's an issue and see what he can do to help me/make me feel better etc. And vice verse.
I don't think we've ever sat down and though "right let's discuss emotions" and actively thought about it. It comes naturally.

Though that being said, I am easily bored and distracted so we often play a game where I (annoy him) ask things like would you rather x or y, if you had to chose between a and b what would you choose. These can be as simple (and materialistic) as would you rather than a BMW X5 or a Range Rover, to "would you rather be married to someone who could never speak to you or married to someone that could never touch you" so I guess we get some emotional connection and understanding from that? Might be worth spontaneously playing? Long car rides are good for that.

We are very emotionally close - we often sit and chat as the other has a bath about our day, how we're feeling, things that worry us or plans for the year ahead etc. We are physically affectionate, although we don't have sex very often at the moment for various reasons, but because we are physically close in other ways it doesn't really make a difference. I can't imagine not being like this - I would really struggle if I had a partner who wasn't open and emotionally intelligent.

Our days usually go like this.

1. Whichever is coming home later arrives.
2. Kiss
3. Do whatever needs to be done immediately upon arrival
4. Talk about our day (including anything emotional that might have happened)
5. Quickly debrief all practical stuff in one go.
6. We do our various things.
7. We cuddle/have sex and eventually go to sleep (this involves various sweet nothings also).

There’s plenty of opportunity to seek emotional support if we need it and obviously our emotional relationship is reinforced trough physical intimacy but we also manage to get everything practical done.

We are each other's closest friend, the one person I can be emotionally as well as physically naked and unguarded with.

I feel like I’m attached to mine by an invisible rubber band. It feels right, it feels easy. It’s where I’m supposed to be.

From my own experience, there aren’t that many men who are emotionally well developed and good listeners. So many of them just want to talk about themselves but not listen to their partner.

True intimacy is hard to come by.

Neither of us is romantic or smoochy; hearing people tell tales about "soul mates" and "meant to be" makes me clench but he's just the best man I know; he's my biggest fan and I like to think I'm his. I don't know about emotional connection; sometimes ours is strong, sometimes I ask him "did you have a lobotomy today" because he's a knob.

Marriage isn't a constant state of being in love; it's like a tide; sometimes it's in, sometimes it's so far out you have to squint to see it. But it underpins everything, knowing that 'your' person is there on your team.

@MrsTumbletap - he left me. Communication, it turns out, isn't the answer to everything. He wanted to go off and 'explore'. I always thought (and told him) that our great communication would save us; if either of us felt that things weren't right, we could talk about it and sort it out.

Not if one of you wants out, you can't.

For me I know we have a good emotional connection because no matter what we’ve been through when stress or illness has naturally pulled us apart, we’ve always been best friends. We have an unspoken support to whoever needs it most and everything is dropped to talk about it and help in whatever way we can. When I hear or think of something interesting it’s his opinion I want to hear, as a PP said there is nothing too weird or random to say, we can have 15 conversations all wrapped up in one because we know each other so well and pick up on the change. We are such different people emotionally but it feels like together we smooth whatever is rough in the other person. We laugh constantly and often at absolutely nothing, he’s the only person I’ve ever met who “gets” me. Even when doing typically boring things we can have a nice time because we’re together. I’ve been in relationships that even though everything was going well and I fancied the man, it felt dead to me because we didn’t have that connection. It took me a long time to find mine. That’s not to say sometimes people don’t get bored in long relationships because it’s only natural, I think during those periods being best friends gets you through.

Interesting question and lots of very thought provoking answers.

We're together 21 years next month and will be married 17 years this year.

I think we are very emotionally connected. We've had a lot of things thrown at us in that 21 years - bereavement, close family with life threatening long term illness, infertility, miscarriage, car accident, financial worries etc etc and we have weathered them.

Thinking about it, for us it's laughter - we make each other laugh pretty ,much every day. We are fiercely protective of each other and would never dream of discussing any issues we might have with friends / family as it would feel so disloyal.

We have had some bad / rough patches and we have talked out way though them and we made a promise to 'be kind' to each other as far as we humanly can. Sometimes, if he's forgetful or getting on my nerves etc I remember this and I try to temper my reaction.

We have a teen now and being totally honest, this phase can be trying on your relationship - teens are HARD at times. But they also have more of a social life so we get more time alone and we worked hard to keep a sense of 'us' and not get totally lost in parenthood.

We socialise together a lot and I LOVE going out with him. We work in related creative fields and have similar interests and we have amazing conversations about our area of work (think along the lines of architecture / design). We travel a lot both together and with dc.

He is still my favouruite person in the whole world and there is no-one I'd rather be with. My absolute favourite place is in bed, lights off, another day done, everyone well and accounted for, snuggled up with him, whispering I love you to each other and I fall asleep with him rubbing my back or my arm. Bliss. Even after all these years.

You could just be very very bored?

@redwoodmazza - I could have written your post …….

@dialmformarzipan

My husband and I have a brilliant relationship, we've always talked about anything and everything, right from the first date. I think he understands me and I understand him more than we understand ourselves!! He's a really good listener too and when I have spells of stressing and feeling anxious he's always read to sit down with me to work through what's on my mind, and I do the same for him. We've been together for 18 years and married for 15.