To think I was not unreasonable to tell DS off

[littleblackdress04]

DS 12 is a lovely boy in a little world of his own and he loses EVERYTHING. He lost his 3rd expensive school jumper yesterday and I massively told him off and shouted at him. I feel really bad as it’s upset him & he said he was too scared to tell me (which makes me feel even worse) but I am SO worn down with stuff getting lost. I have told him he has to buy the replacement with his birthday money.

I feel really bad about shouting but I am at the end of my tether with it- he’s lost new coats, PE kits, swimming stuff- you name it.

I know it doesn’t help shouting but we have tried strategies to help him remember including lists to tick off etc.

I still feel bad as he’s really teary & sad that I shouted.

Aibu? God parenting is exhausting sometimes

Is this the first time you have ever shouted at him? And he is 12?
I would just sit him down apologise for shouting and explain that you were frustrated as he keeps losing things and then you have to pay to replace them, ask him if he was you how would he feel if the things he bought for someone kept getting lost. Explain you cant keep replacing lost things, you will buy him things he needs bit lost things must be replaced from his own money. I can guarantee he will be more careful when it's his money being wasted.

God no, it’s not the first time he’s been shouted at! He’s been told off loads over the years- I just hate the feeling of ‘shoutiness’

I'm amazed you haven't lost it before now. My son is 11 and does exactly the same, water bottles and jumpers are his speciality. He does have ASN, and it involves him struggling with organisation type stuff, but god it's frustrating.

Nah, you’re human! You’re just irritated at the same thing happening again and again.

Sounds like your son might be going cold for a week or so if he can’t remember a jumper.

Mine is 25 and he still loses everything!

Maybe the fact that he has to pay for this 3rd jumper out of his own money will teach him the value of money and things so he'll be a little more careful.

LABEL IT CLEARLY

If it gets to the school lost & found they can return it to you if it is clearly labelled as his.

He's 12, not 6; he needs to learn some responsibility. I think making him pay for his replacements is a good way to make him respect his stuff and pay attention to keeping it safe.
Do not worry about shouting at him. Unless you went full on Cray Cray fing and blinding

DS was exactly the same. We also said he had to pay for the replacement himself. We didn’t actually take his money in the end, everything was always clearly labelled but we never got anything back.
I always felt guilt about being shouty but parenting can be frustrating so we all lose it occasionally.

DS1 is like this and he is now 17 not 12. I have shouted and strategised, and replaced item after item, and got him to replace, and made him do without, and everything I could think of.

The only thing that made a difference was medication for the ADHD that was diagnosed at 16. He never showed the hyperactive side and it took a long time before our dreamboat, disorganised, away with the pixies boy who (as his preschool teacher once said) did everything in his own time was finally helped. He wouldn’t be without his medication and it has turned his life around. As he says, he can finally hear people. The difference between his abilities before his medication and 20 minutes after is quite astounding. He is helpful, and onto it, and can plan, and act, and work things out.

It might not be the same for your DS but it may be worth considering. What you describe could be our boy.

Does he have any other difficulties?
e.g. motor skills, organising essays etc?
Does he lose or forget things that are important to him?

Same boat op. It's so frustrating. The amount of water bottles, lunch boxes, school clothing, pe kits lost over the years is not only expensive but very frustrating!

Unfortunately it probably won't help. My friends son was like this and she tried everything, shouting, making him replace stuff etc. He is still just as bad as an adult but was diagnosed with ADHD which I suspect is a factor in this

He’s not got additional needs - he’s just in his own little world a lot of the time! He’s so lovely - it’s just frustrating & costly

My dreamy son stopped losing things (or at least started finding them in lost property) just after I started making him replace things from his own money. Concentrates the mind, about time you tried it.

I had some tatty jumpers, holes in etc and said if you lose your new one it's OK you can wear the shit spare one. The kids soon stopped losing their new ones.

My dc’s classmate lost 14 jumpers which the parents replaced. The jumpers were in lost and found at the school. V funny when the teacher pulled them up one by one in front of the class

My 9 y old ds is the same but is much better since he started the medication for adhd. He wasn't overly hyperactive (more fidgety than anything else) but could definitely be described as being away with the fairies and was so disorganised. Sitting at him only resulted in him feeling bad but unable to change his behaviour; what works for him is constant, short reminders. Does your ds have a phone? Perhaps he could set himself a kind of checklist reminder on that at hometime to make sure he has everything before leaving?

shouting at him sorry, not bloody sitting!

He’s not got additional needs - he’s just in his own little world a lot of the time!

Google executive function and processing speed. They may give you some insight.

My DD is like this. I shouted after the 6th billion water bottle was lost. It’s infuriating!

I think most of us (surely all of us) sometimes lose our tempers and end up shouting sometimes even if we know it’s not going to be effective. The most effective way I’ve found is to either make them pay for a replacement out of their own money or have the natural consequence of getting in trouble at school or being cold.

Is he definitely not being bullied?

If not and it is sheer carelessness then perhaps it's what he needs.

My first trip was always to lost property before collecting my son!!!

I made ds sell some things to replace his PE kit after he lost or for a second time within a week (costs over £100 to replace, state school but v expensive). He's just left it on the bus for a third time

Sorry, no help but solidarity. And yes I very much shout too

Where is he taking off his jumper where he loses it? What strategies has he come up with to stop this happening? He needs to think about what he can do, if he struggles to come up with it, then suggest stuff yourself.

Ds had to drag a PE kit round with him and once left it in a classroom under the table, luckily it was returned the same day but he then used a carabiner to hook the strap of the PE kit to his bag meaning he couldn't leave it behind.

PE kits, mine know to take it off and put it immediately into the bag, no laying it on top or putting it on the bench. Socks are balled together and straight into the bag. Coats they can tie the arm onto their school bag at lunch etc. Or sit on it so they see it when they get off the stool.

It is like at home, they know they have to write on a board what their homework is, when it is done they wipe it off. It becomes routine. They have a timetable in their room, on the back of the front door that they check before they leave.

Their house keys are attached by a long piece of 1cm wide elastic sewn into their school bag that way they cannot lose it.