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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you vent to friends about argument with partner

40 replies

Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:34

Partner and i had massive argument tonight.
I have 1 friend who i always message when im stressed and she does the same to me.
I was feeling upset so messaged her about the argument but now i feel really guilty.
I've done this a few times in our relationship and I feel i should stop,
I just tell her the details of what happened and why im upset

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 10/03/2020 21:36

I personally wouldn't, but that's just the way I handle things. I would rather sort things out directly with my partner. However exes of mine have and I understand why.

TorkTorkBam · 10/03/2020 21:38

A bit of moaning to friends is normal.

Having huge arguments with your partner often enough that it comes up repeatedly is odd in itself.

What does your friend say?

Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:39

Me and partner always sort things out afterwards but then i always feel guilty and always tell myself i wont do it next time but then i do and i wasnt sure if this was normal or.not

OP posts:
Peasfox · 10/03/2020 21:40

I don’t.

But that’s because it’s usually me that’s been the batshit and unreasonable one 😳😂

thepeopleversuswork · 10/03/2020 21:40

It depends. As a general rule in an otherwise healthy relationship its corrosive to be routinely talking out of school to other people about your partner: it just destroys trust.

But if your partner has really hurt you or has given you cause to question the basis of the relationship you have to feel you can have a sounding board.

What was the argument about?

Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:41

Yeah it's basically just venting,
I'll message things like "i'm really annoyed" and then explain why,
Or "im really sad" or "i just dont get why he's done this"

We dont have massive arguments often,
Just one every once in a while,
By massive I dont mean screaming, just not speaking to each other after confrontation,
Sorry shouldve explained better

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 10/03/2020 21:42

Not really, because DH and I sort it out between ourselves

I feel like this is something you do when you’re quite young, definitely I did in my mid 20s but now have grown out of it. How old are you?

BadCatDirtyCat · 10/03/2020 21:44

I do vent to friends sometimes, but I always try to give a balanced view, so rather than slagging him off "he's such an arsehole, he's done xyz" I'd say "it's really hard because..." or whatever. Having said that, if he was an arsehole I wouldn't be with him.. so maybe that's why I don't say it Hmm.

Vulpine · 10/03/2020 21:44

Oh god yes

Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:44

Dont want to out myself too much but it was about him going clubbing when we planned to have a cosy chinese on Saturday. He never goes clubbing. We argued because i was upset plans changed. We're both 30, no kids yet so obviously he's free to do as he pleases. We live together.
Messaged my friend that i was feeling a bit peed off and felt i was a bit bitchy. And now i feel awful because we're fine now.

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 10/03/2020 21:44

I never blab or bad mouth my husband to anyone. Don't get me wrong, I know he isn't perfect, but I've got his back and he has mine.

I would hate it if he slagged me off to his family and friends.

His sister does it about her husband and although everyone is nice to his face, nobody can stand him because of the stuff she's told us.

It's like, moan about my siblings to my other siblings and I'm sure they do the same, but lo and b hold anyone who dares say something bad about them who isn't a sibling.

Oysterbabe · 10/03/2020 21:45

Not generally but I have a close group of girlfriends and I will talk to them if I'm feeling particularly low about anything, that's what friends are for.

poppyonastring · 10/03/2020 21:47

NEVER!

When you vent like this, people gossip, and will sometimes use it as a stick to beat you with if you fall out. (ie, telling everyone your relationship/marriage is shit, even if it's fine and you were just arguing that one time.)

I never ever ever tell anyone ANYTHING that I wouldn't want anyone else to know.

Sadly, I don't 100% trust anyone, to not gossip. Not a single soul.

Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:48

Yed i dont tell her about every argument just the ones where i basically feel like crying.
He was out saturday and after our argument i felt rotten. And i confided in her as, it sounds silly now, but I felt a bit "whys he gone clubbing",
I just told her i felt i havent been much of a priority lately and that im feeling sad and is it normal to feel this stressed and anxious in a relationship

OP posts:
Peasfox · 10/03/2020 21:48

Oh drip feed. I would 100% complain to my friends if I were promised a chinese and didn’t get one!

Don’t feel bad, you were annoyed and needed to vent. Nothing to feel guilty over, it isn’t the crime of the century and I’m sure he would be pleased you have someone to talk to.

Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:49

Sorry about drip feed. I wasnt originally going to say what the argument was but someone asked and i thought sod it Grin

OP posts:
WinterCat · 10/03/2020 21:49

I don’t but I don’t think you are BU by doing so.

Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:51

I made a mistake in OP, it wasnt tonight, the argumenr was saturday but tonight I 've been feeling guilty

OP posts:
Littleshortcake · 10/03/2020 21:51

I don't think you have done anything wrong. You need to get it off your chest. I would say that my ex is someone I spoke badly of a lot (to be honest he wasn't very good to me and the relationship wasn't right) and my now husband and I had a bit of trouble at the start but I never discussed it with anyone and just tried to sort out the problems myself. I know I am in the marriage for life so I just put the work in to make things right (though I stand my ground and am true to myself if that makes sense).

Peasfox · 10/03/2020 21:53

@Sewannaw ha ha I was only joking, but for future posts not getting a chinese that you were promised is very important information indeed 😉🤣

Candlesmakescents · 10/03/2020 21:53

No, but simply because I did it once which was following a resentment over something silly and literally three years later friends would still ask “are you two ok now?”. What from that one spat three years ago? Yes, fine thanks Hmm
If you feel comfortable and know your friends are just going to support you and cheer you up then I don’t see it a problem though.

TorkTorkBam · 10/03/2020 21:55

How often do you argue where you end up feeling like crying?

Why weren't you out clubbing too?

Did he give you enough warning of his change of plans for you to arrange to meet up with your mates?

GallusAlice79 · 10/03/2020 21:57

I tell my close friends if my OH is annoying me, and they do the same. I wouldn't be calling him names or saying I hate him, because if that were the case I wouldn't be in a relationship with him.

I can't imagine not venting to close friends. If I couldn't do that to them, they're not very close friends in my world.

I see a lot of stuff on here that makes me think a lot of women don't have many/any close female friends. And there seem to be a lot of "frenemies" as well. I love my close friends and value them as much as my OH.

Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:57

I only asked because about 4 months ago we had an argument because he cancelled a night of drinking with our friends because he wanted to go for a drink with one his other friends. This annoyed me because our friends had been thinking all day we were drinking (theyre another couple), anyway he cancelled last minute, so i cancelled because it wouldve just been me third wheeling,
And i messaged her and told her he's gone off drinking with a friend and i'm really peed off because we've been planning this for a few days. We spoke about how annoying it was and how he seems to cancel a lot.

Anyway later that night i told him i spoke to my friend about it which caused another argument about how ive betrayed his trust and i shouldnt be talking to my friends about our problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Sewannaw · 10/03/2020 21:58

She is the only friend i tell. We've been nest friends since we were 3 haha

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