Do you vent to friends about argument with partner

[Sewannaw]

Partner and i had massive argument tonight.
I have 1 friend who i always message when im stressed and she does the same to me.
I was feeling upset so messaged her about the argument but now i feel really guilty.
I've done this a few times in our relationship and I feel i should stop,
I just tell her the details of what happened and why im upset

As far as I’m concerned, that’s what friends are for. My friends are supportive and listen to me sound off, agree with me or show me another perspective. As I would go for them.
You haven’t done anything wrong.

I don’t vent, but I sort out problems/ get perspective with friends. Part of friendship is to be supportive surely?

Well that example wasn't your "problems" that was just him being a dick.

I did a few years ago when dp was going through a really bad phase of gambling. I was so stressed, my mental health was shit, and I only had my friends to talk to. To be honest I think me telling them played a part in shaming him into stopping gambling so much. He knew what he was doing was terrible, and other people knowing embarrassed him, so I felt no guilt in telling them. I had no one else to talk about it with, and I felt he had no right to dictate who I could and couldn't tell when he was ruining our lives.
I've never text them about other problems, if I see them I might have a but of a moan.

Anyway later that night i told him i spoke to my friend about it which caused another argument about how ive betrayed his trust and i shouldnt be talking to my friends about our problems

If he behaves in ways that he could be proud of this wouldn’t be a problem. I’d think that he is saying that because he knows he’s been out of order.

I can't imagine not venting to close friends. If I couldn't do that to them, they're not very close friends in my world
^ this in buckets. I’ll present an ”image “ to an acquaintance, but my friends know me, and know what’s happening in my life.

I moan about superficial things but don't ever rant or share the big stuff (not that there's much of that)

I wouldn't talk to any friend who knew DH or was likely to know him in the future. In practice, that means I don't alk about DH rows to any RL friends only internet friends who I am unlikely to meet.

I hate it when DH does this, it feels like a total betrayal. He tends to talk to people who I don't know very well, but do have to see socially. He never gives both sides and tends to "misremember" what actually happened, so it makes me look like an arse.

I very occasionally have a bit of a moan to my best mate, but onky because her husband is very similar in his habits to mine, so she gets it!

I have one best friend who has stuck by my side through thick and thin and I her. We have each other's backs no matter what. I'm currently having a miscarriage and she's been round with cake and laughing and crying with me on the phone today.

When my husband and I row of course I message her to let off steam. It helps me calm down, focus and work better with my husband. I did the same for her before her boyfriend left her. We don't gossip about each other's problems to other people. We don't hold it against our partners. We're friends we lean on each other it's what friends are for.

We've had two major issues in our relationship where we almost broke up each time. I told my best friend about one and my brother about an other. I really wish I hadn't now. Things have worked out so far but I feel really embarrassed that they now both know details I shouldn't have said. I did at the time think it was the end of our relationship.
I really wish I could keep my mouth shut sometimes. I sometimes have no filter

Of course I do, so does everyone I know!

My partner is aware, he doesn't give a shit. It's normal.

sewannaw borderline. I can understand why you were upset.

The trouble is, as someone else pointed out upthread, if you get into the habit of doing this then friends have a habit of turning around down the line and holding this against your partner.

If he was doing this routinely and it was making you question the relationship it would be justified. If its a blip in an otherwise happy relationship its best left imho.

Most of our 'arguments' are silly which we end up laughing about, so there is no need to talk about them.

The last time I went to a friend about an argument was when my feelings were really hurt and I needed that support to sort my head out. It is so rare that we argue about anything that upsets me , or pisses me off enough that I want to talk it through.

I go to friends for support whenever I need it over other things though.

Well, it seems like you are slowly realising your boyfriend is a selfish dick who gives no fucks about you. You need to sound that out with a friend.

He won't like evidence of you noticing him being a dick. He wants you to shut up and let him do what he likes without a murmur. Know your place woman!

I bet he sulks. I bet you walk on eggshells to avoid setting him off.

It's a balancing act between having a vent/ getting support from friends, and going "too far" in sharing private business.
It's normal to share in good friendships, and you are obviously very close with this particular friend.
If you spend more time discussing your relationship problems with a friend that your partner, then I'd say its a problem.

But in your case, particularly since in one instance you were canceling on said friend because boyfie bailed on plans with said friend. He sounds very

Initially I thought you were being unreasonable because I wouldn't moan about DP to my friends, but then I saw the bit where you were basically asking your friend if your feelings were normal, so you had to explain context for her to be able to give you an answer. That made me change my mind and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

He got upset with you for talking to her because he knows his behaviour is shitty.