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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at MIL for treating hubby differently

28 replies

wooda180 · 10/03/2020 18:57

I'm hate the way my MIL treats my DH in comparison to my BIL and even myself. Most of it is little things
-she recently went away and got me, 2x DS, DD and BIL a gift which was lovely and she didnt have to do but there was nothing for DH
-When she messages DH she always asks about how family and BIL are (DH just has to add how hes doing)
-When it comes to news/events from her side of the family she often forgets or omits to tell my DH and we find out from BIL when we see him
-She often post on facebook things about how much parents love their kids (you've all seen the memes) and tags only BIL
-when she comes to stay it's all about our kids (completely understandable) and her talking about BIL and how he's doing
-shes often getting little gifts for me, my kids and BIL but not my husband

  • when it comes to birthdays she puts an obvious and considerate amount of extra thought into picking everyone else's gifts than DH
-her general attitude to DH when visiting is just like he's just another person there rather than she's seeing her son -she even once told me that she has a bond with BIL but not really with DH (as a mother that really shocks me)

Now they've never had any big arguments or falling outs (unless you count her leaving FIL when they were really young and moving to another country, leaving FIL to raise them alone) other than these things there are no real issues, no harsh words ect.

My DH has previously said to me that sometimes he feels like the only thing she sees him as is the father to her grandkids and that's it.

Am I being unreasonable to get really annoyed and angry with her for the way she is with him (I dont show it). DH is currently suffering with depression and anxiety from work and with her coming to visit soon and knowing how he's struggling at the moment I worry about the extra strain of having her around will have on his mental health.
Should I say something if she obviously treats him differently again while here?

YANBU - yes, step in and say something
YABU- No, keep quiey

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 10/03/2020 19:21

Some parents just clearly have a favourite child. My in laws did this sort of thing to my partner regularly. We had to listen for hours and hours of how brilliant his brother is, and theyd never once say anything nice about him. When we visited, they would talk to me, but not really him, but if the brother walked it was like God had just walked in the room. This sort of thing can never be changed.

Likethebattle · 10/03/2020 19:39

I’d phase her bout of your lives. She doesn’t deserve to be sort of her sons life if she treats him like an afterthought. I saw what this did to my mother, she was a great daughter but my gran said in front of her ‘well I love and adore my sons and I tolerate my daughter!’ My poor mother was in bits and had sissy’s been very careful about ensuring everything me and my brother have is fair and half.

OhCaptain · 10/03/2020 19:41

I don't know that you can say something, really. Unless your dh wants to step back a bit from the relationship, which I absolutely think he should.

But it has to be his choice, IMO.

This has made me really sad for him.

power0901 · 10/03/2020 19:49

I believe you should have a real sit down with you dh about this. My fiancee and his mother do not have a good relationship and i left alone till one day it escalate and they decided to have a big fight infront of my 6m old son and i ended it there. I was so fed up with the BS that i told them how they are both wrong in things they do/act. i also told them they pull this BS infront of my son again neither of them will see him again. however i knew exactly how they both felt before this blow and they seem to currently have a calmer relationship. they arent close but they dont really fight anymore.

Northernparent68 · 10/03/2020 20:11

Be careful, she might start having a favourite grandchild

Livelovebehappy · 10/03/2020 20:11

Sounds like she isn’t really maternal tbh. If a mother can up and leave her children and move overseas I really don’t think she has any deep love for her DCs. And I really don’t think anything you can say to her is going to make her behave any different. If your DH wants to stop having a relationship with her then that’s his choice, because if you intervene and it results in her cutting him off or vice versus, he may resent you in future years. She’s his dm and I guess he will always love her however she treats him.

eeyore228 · 10/03/2020 20:16

My MIL treated my DH appallingly in comparison to his sibling. He was abused as a child and even knowing this found a way to make him feel bad. I was horrified at the was she was with him and he carried on giving support when demanded because that was what always happened. I’m pleased to say that eventually contact was severed for many reasons, but it was a weight off. He was much less stressed and we argued less without the negativity. I don’t envy you but I guess it’s down to you both to talk and see what you can do about it.

EKGEMS · 10/03/2020 22:57

She'd never darken my doorway that's for damn sure

ineedaholidaynow · 10/03/2020 23:00

Is she staying with you?

JasonBrun · 10/03/2020 23:01

My MIL is the same. Much nicer to me than to DH, and not really that nice to me. She always buys him utter tat, like embarrassingly bad tat for Xmas. Nothing for his birthday.

JasonBrun · 10/03/2020 23:02

Sorry, posted too soon. Am currently torn between facilitating a relationship for DCs sake, and to see SIL and FIL, or just leaving it go.

dogcatbaby · 10/03/2020 23:07

Does BIL have children or a partner? Perhaps she feels more protective over him if not whereas your DH as his own family so is more independent

5foot5 · 10/03/2020 23:31

Am I being unreasonable to get really annoyed and angry with her for the way she is with him

YANBU

she even once told me that she has a bond with BIL but not really with DH
So if she says anything like this again you should comment on it. "Wow that is really a bit shit of you. Do you not feel ashamed to admit that? That really isn't normal you know"
OK it might not change how she is but it could pull her up short and make her think a bit more, will make you feel better and could start to pave the way to disengaging

OutOntheTilez · 10/03/2020 23:35

I understand you wanting to intervene on your husband's behalf and I was going to suggest doing so. However, on second thought, I think he needs to deal with her in his own way when she's there and starts in on him. Before she visits, though, I agree with a PP that a sit down with your husband is in order - to figure out how to deal with her during the visit and going forward.

Personally I would suggest for him going NC. She's a nightmare, and life is too short to deal with such negativity. Plus, your children would eventually pick up on her attitude, I would think. That can't be good.

As a mother of two sons, I don't for the life of me understand how a mother can choose one child as her favorite Confused

cstaff · 10/03/2020 23:39

That is so sad OP. I think I would have to distance my family from her. I think most parents have favourites but go out of their way not to show it. That's not to say they don't love their other kids. It just is.

Your case is different. I couldn't watch my partner being treated that way by his own mum. I would have to take a step back. Regarding your kids, why would you want this horrible woman near them. What's to say she won't do something similar with her gc in the future.

lyralalala · 10/03/2020 23:39

she even once told me that she has a bond with BIL but not really with DH

If she had a decent bone in her body she'd spend time a) working on that and b) doing her damndest to make sure that what she felt wasn't evident to all and sundry

Daftodil · 10/03/2020 23:43

How sad for your DH. I'd be devastated if my parent did things like this. Was BIL ill as a baby? Is BIL the younger of the two brothers? I think sometimes parents get stuck seeing their child as a vulnerable baby even when several decades have passed. Just wondering if there was a particular incident or point in time where she started to see them differently.

I think you could say something. Maybe "I saw your FB post - you know DH is on FB too, right? It's just that you only tagged BIL" and see what she says. Or if she gives you a gift, you could say "Look what MIL got us, darling" so it isn't as awkward when he gets given nothing.

Talkingmouse · 11/03/2020 00:16

Why is she in your life?
Cut her out.

Lilymossflower · 11/03/2020 00:58

Don't say anything

Just phase her out

It's not fair on DH, and kids really do pick up on these things , she is modelling a condecending attitude that is unhealthy

Bufferingkisses · 11/03/2020 01:00

Does BIL have dc? If so how are they treated?

My dad always treated DC equally until they had dc of their own, then the gdc became priority and dc became secondary. What you write makes me think dh has dc and bil doesn't.

Ime moving attention from children to grandchildren is perfectly reasonable and healthy. I'm an adult with children of my own, I don't need a parent bringing me fridge magnets from tenerife or asking how my ingrown toenail is!

herbie01 · 11/03/2020 01:16

Is DH the youngest or oldest? Have heard of situations where a mother gets PPD so doesn't "bond"/ love the baby but still has the bond with other siblings (who she didn't have PPD with). (Just asking as it would also fit in with the abandoning FIL & kids when young).

I think you need to sit with your DH and talk through it with him. Say you've kept quiet but noticed these things and don't think MILs behavior is acceptable, and that you would like to say something to her about it, and delay/ cancel her visit given his stresses at work etc. because his health is priority. DH needs to be on board with you before you do anything cause it's his mother.
He may even want to do it himself.

Either way, she sounds like a piece of work and I'd expect a massive tanty and emotional blackmail from her. Stand your ground and be prepared to go NC if she doesn't want to change.

Graphista · 11/03/2020 02:02

Do they both DEFINITELY have the same father? Not always the explanation for such favouritism but given what else you’ve said about splitting with fil etc it did make me wonder.

Even if not I couldn’t in your position stand by and let her abuse an already struggling dh in this way.

Does he actually want her to visit? Does he know your feelings on the matter?

I also agree there’s a strong potential for her to favour certain Dgc especially as they get older too.

Have you or dh learned much if anything about toxic families?

Harsh words and actions aren’t necessary to emotionally abuse and damage a child. Such behaviour as you describe can be just as devastating and damaging. There’s a long running thread on here “stately homes” which discusses such thing and I would also recommend the following site:

https://outofthefog.website

And stately homes thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3786141-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-January-2020-onwards

I think you’ll find both massively enlightening.

AgentJohnson · 11/03/2020 02:12

This is really your H’s battle. Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic, especially, dysfunctional ones. By all means encourage and support your H to stick up for himself but he has to do the work.

cleanasawhistle · 11/03/2020 05:47

I once sat in a group of people and a lady said something to her mother about yes we all know who your fvourite is.
The mother replies yes John is my favourite out of the 3 of you,he was the easiest birth. Cant believe what you other two put me through.

timeisnotaline · 11/03/2020 06:00

Hmm I couldn’t just sit there! I’d give it a go (& discuss with dh first) -When she arrives take the gift she gives me and say oh honey you have it you shouldn’t be left out. Then take the kids out and leave them to it. Repeat. If she doesn’t get the message I just wouldn’t bother. She can be nice to her son if she wants to see her grandchildren.