Angry at MIL for treating hubby differently

[wooda180]

I'm hate the way my MIL treats my DH in comparison to my BIL and even myself. Most of it is little things
-she recently went away and got me, 2x DS, DD and BIL a gift which was lovely and she didnt have to do but there was nothing for DH
-When she messages DH she always asks about how family and BIL are (DH just has to add how hes doing)
-When it comes to news/events from her side of the family she often forgets or omits to tell my DH and we find out from BIL when we see him
-She often post on facebook things about how much parents love their kids (you've all seen the memes) and tags only BIL
-when she comes to stay it's all about our kids (completely understandable) and her talking about BIL and how he's doing
-shes often getting little gifts for me, my kids and BIL but not my husband

• when it comes to birthdays she puts an obvious and considerate amount of extra thought into picking everyone else's gifts than DH

-her general attitude to DH when visiting is just like he's just another person there rather than she's seeing her son -she even once told me that she has a bond with BIL but not really with DH (as a mother that really shocks me)

Now they've never had any big arguments or falling outs (unless you count her leaving FIL when they were really young and moving to another country, leaving FIL to raise them alone) other than these things there are no real issues, no harsh words ect.

My DH has previously said to me that sometimes he feels like the only thing she sees him as is the father to her grandkids and that's it.

Am I being unreasonable to get really annoyed and angry with her for the way she is with him (I dont show it). DH is currently suffering with depression and anxiety from work and with her coming to visit soon and knowing how he's struggling at the moment I worry about the extra strain of having her around will have on his mental health.
Should I say something if she obviously treats him differently again while here?

YANBU - yes, step in and say something
YABU- No, keep quiey

Is bil childless? Does she treat him as though he's a bit helpless? This dynamic often develops where a parent decides one adult child (often starts well before adulthood, even before adolescence, but becomes glaringly obvious in adulthood) is the sensible, competent one who doesn't need them and the other will always need their mum/ parents and wouldn't manage without them (can be more easily made codependent...). It's often based on almost no initial difference between the children, or on an incident or episode of vulnerability on the part of the coddled/ favoured child which should be a distant memory by now. The parent unconsciously encourages learnerned helplessness in one child.

This kind of parent almost ignores the more competent offspring because they prefer the kind of feedback they get from the one that's learnt to rely a bit on them. It's usually unconscious so quite hard to address especially in the type of person who refuses to think analytically about anything personal and operates on an emotional level.

@5foot5
" she even once told me that she has a bond with BIL but not really with DH"
"So if she says anything like this again you should comment on it. "Wow that is really a bit shit of you. Do you not feel ashamed to admit that? That really isn't normal you know"

It is normal for some women to not bond with their babies and saying that it wasn't normal stopped women getting help. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

However she should be masking it.

OP, i think that you need your DH's agreement to speak to her about it. I do think that you should be challenging her as to were your DH's present is etc.

It wouldn't have lasted to the point that we had children, she would have been phased out long before, if it was me.

I don't understand why you didn't start the conversation about it when she confided in you about the lack of a bond.

It is up to your husband ultimately but I would not want her to stay at a time where he is vulnerable. I would be angry too. My mil openly states that dh put her through the ringer when he was an early adult but she calls him her baby son ( he is the youngest of two boys) and adores him. If she didn't she wouldn't be welcome in our home.